Amber Rose and Blac Chyna Ruin Carnival And Shit Around The Web

By Michael February 10, 2016 @ 12:00 PM

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Amber Rose and Blac Chyna were in Trinidad for carnival dressed in traditional feathered Mardi Gras costumes. Like two ginormous birds with bird herpes. Ben Wa balls are not the same as beads, stop throwing yours at me.

Their asses add another meaning to Fat Tuesday. (TMZ)

Bella Thorne in her natural habitat: a sports bra. (Last Men On Earth)

Aussie sexy person Alexandra Apostolidis topless at the beach. (Egotastic All-Stars)

Irina Shayk stretches in her new workout video. (Drunken Stepfather)

The aptly named Heidi Hoback knows how to Instagram. (The Chive)

Tallulah Willis is looking pretty fucking hot lately. (Popoholic)

Target accidently sells a bunch of Star Wars dildos. (Dlisted)

Blac Chyna Seems Remorseful

By Lex February 02, 2016 @ 9:59 AM

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Fresh off her felony arrest for drunk and disorderly and ecstasy possession in the Austin airport, Blac Chyna hit the laser tattoo removal center to etch out the rapper Future’s name in bold face font on her hand she got when she mistakenly thought they were dating. There’s a ‘your brain on drugs’ commercial that might actually have worked. Teens don’t fear death. Waking up with a Future tattoo in perma-Helvetica on your masturbation hand will make you re-think your party favors.

Chyna rested up then hit an L.A. strip club to drop off her reel and because her MDMA stash needed replenishing. Rob Kardashian now chauffeurs Chyna around town in his Bentley in exchange for Blac Chyna promoting his new snapchat account and giving him sympathy sex gonorrhea. If he mentions his designer sock collection she’s allowed to shit in his mouth. That’s one of those Craigslist barters that seem far too complicated to every work out. But these kids are making it happen.

The lifespan of a Kardashian family male is about 35. You have to make every day count. When they tuck you into the convalescent center next to Lammy, you’re going to need wonderful stories to spell out via the electric pen in your mouth. God still turns people into pillars of salt, just really slowly.

Photo credit: Instagram (above), FameFlynet/AKM-GSI (below)

 

Idiocy Laws Just Killing Blac Chyna

By Lex February 01, 2016 @ 7:39 AM

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Blac Chyna’s first mistake was booking an L.A. to London flight with a connection in Austin. If you’re connecting through Austin, you probably can’t afford to go to London. Chyna got toasted on her layover and went Azealia Banks nasty to passengers and flight attendants on her stagger onto the airplane. Airport cops removed her from the aircraft before takeoff as a bunch of people who were about to be locked into a fuselage at 35,000 feet for ten hours with a sad on the inside drunk stoned whore broke into applause.

Blac Chyna had spent the previous week taunting the Kardashians with repeated social posts about housing Fat Rob Kardashian at her place where she was providing fitness motivation and sitting on his little weenie. It’s hard to imagine the scenario where that’s the upper hand. Fucking with the Kardashians isn’t a game for children. Did you ever take your eyes off your Mike’s Hard Lemonade at the airport? If it’s a nefarious scheme you’ve seen on a TV show before, it’s in Kris Jenner’s repertoire. Never go against the family.

Photo credit: FameFlynet

UPDATE Rob Kardashian drove twenty-six hours straight to Texas in his Bentley to pick up Blac Chyna. In case you weren’t sure they were fucking.

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Shit You Don’t Want to Hear After Getting a Giant Tattoo of Your Boyfriend’s Name on Your Hand

By Lex October 28, 2015 @ 6:48 AM

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The rapper known as Future just woke up from a dream where he fucked a baby into Russell Wilson’s girlfriend because somebody had to to discover Blac Chyna who he took to the Sizzler once and fucked over the back of his car got his name tattooed in big letters on her crazy paw. That’s a lot to process. When asked about Blac Chyna and the forever branding on her hand, Future responded, “I’m single and just doing what makes me happy.” Crazy girlfriend rockets, engage.

Chicks like Blac Chyna can’t be given standard mental health evaluations. It’s like asking the oompa loompas to write an objective review of the factory on Glassdoor. Her entire existence is mental illness. She lives in an imaginary world where you post pictures of your engorged ass on social media and some dude cums in your ear and leaves you a bag of groceries and money for skin lightening. You can commit her now or wait until she’s killed a guy who knows a guy who might know where her boyfriend is who won’t answer her texts within ten minutes. Up to you. That guy she kills is probably entourage so entirely expendable.

Photo credit: Instagram

Amber Rose and Blac Chyna in Disguise

By Lex September 15, 2015 @ 9:01 AM

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Amber Rose and Blac Chyna were hard to make out in their disguises over the weekend in Hollywood. Amber Rose went as a desperate weight gaining attention whore while Blac Chyna opted for the same look but with a different colored wig. Paparazzi trailed the two around town because they had nothing better to do and they also like tits in their face. Amber’s gearing up for her Slut Walk in October when she will lead up to eleven women high on meth and Sunny D along one of the abandoned streets of downtown Los Angeles in Spandex and push up bras demanding not to be raped by the still slumbering Skid Row homeless. A couple bipolar vagrants might lean up from their cardboard boxes long enough to stroke one out. That’s a win. This is just the first year of the event.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Amber Rose and Blac Chyna Take Back Horrible Words at MTV VMAs

By Lex August 30, 2015 @ 8:07 PM

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Amber Rose and Blac Chyna made a bold statement on the red carpet of the MTV VMA’s wearing dresses covered brightly in all the bad words people call women. More specifically, the bad words people call these two women. The slogans were in lieu of providing a reason besides making illegitimate rapper babies that Rose and Chyna were part of MTV’s cynical salute to the world’s most commercially successful shitty music. A couple trannies who may have been ripping the girls’ moves followed suit with outfits covered in just the word ‘faggot’ proving that misogynists are far more verbally creative than homophobes.

The striking wardrobe was used to help promote the Amber Rose Slut Walk on October 3 in Los Angeles. No, I don’t just make this shit up. The Slut Walk is a thing that started in Toronto in 2011 when a bunch of feminists heard that some mountie told a rape prevention seminar that women make themselves targets if they dress like sluts. Imagine the furor. Now every October a block full of women dressed as slutty as possible march down whatever they call streets in Canada. Lanes maybe. If Slut Walk sounds at all enticing, you’re imagining the wrong women. Amber Rose took the Slut Walk and slapped her name in front of it for an L.A. gathering of women looking to empower themselves through the role model shoes of Amber Rose. Stilettos filled with the cum of several wanted men.

I’m not sure how much you’d need to drink before any of this made sense, but probably just enough to get you raped.

 Photo credit: Getty Images