Charlie Sheen’s Next Wife Is Still Married to Somebody Else

By Lex February 20, 2014 @ 3:04 PM

Brett Rossi And Charlie Sheen Twitter Photo
Porn stars can be the most forgetful people. If it weren’t for their helpful cadre of drug-supplying personal assistants, they’d walk right outside with men still inside of them. You can’t blame Brett Rossi for forgetting that she was still married to some other dude when Charlie Sheen got down on one knee to find his missing eight-ball and also asked the multi-orifice queen to be his fourth wife. It’s an exciting moment in any girls life when a violent older man asks them to switch husbands. But, yeah, turns out Brett is still married to some poor shmuck who also thought marrying a porn star was a killer idea. Charlie’s reps, I can only imagine how wonderful that fucking job is, are quick to point out that Charlie already knew of this other husband and legal documents are in the works to get it all cleared up. This really is just like a fairytale, if fairytales were written by drug and STD saturated trainables.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Brett Rossi To Be The Next Future Ex-Mrs. Charlie Sheen

By Jack February 17, 2014 @ 4:32 PM

Dragon-blooded warlock Charlie Sheen is now officially engaged to his professionally gang-banged girlfriend, Brett Rossi. The Hot Shots: Part Deux star flew Rossi on a private jet to Hawaii to pop the question. The two have been mutually squeezing Charlie’s penis pump for a while and there were rumors that they had already gotten married a few months ago. But it turned out to be just Sheen being a precocious scamp and pulling a joke on us all. This would be the fourth marriage for Sheen whose previously been hitched to Denise Richards, Brooke Mueller, and Donna Peele. To make herself feel better about her odds, Rossi claims that she would actually be number three because,

“With all due respect to Donna – that maiden Klay-Vinn was annulled. Therefore, if “three” truly is a charm; The mashup/acronym of the real CS, (Charlie & Scottie) HAS to be; ‘Char-M-stee…’ xox c&s.”

I don’t speak coked-out crazy porn bitch so that means fuck all to me. But I think she’s implying that she and Charlie were meant to be and that she’s lucky number three, like the number of times Charlie’s heart has stopped cold in the past decade. This is the kind of mental gymnastics even less equipped women do to talk themselves into thinking that marrying a guy like Charlie Sheen is a good idea. Of course, if your life-plan alternative is taking ponytailed dudes in your privates waiting for The AIDS to snatch your formally, being Charlie’s next old lady probably doesn’t seem so bad. When he’s chasing you around the Christmas tree with a kitchen knife asking who stole his shit, just remind yourself, this is so much better than a fist in the ass.

(Photo Via Twitter)

Charlie Sheen May Be Married, Again

By Jack January 06, 2014 @ 2:20 PM

Charlie Sheen claims that he married his porn star girlfriend Brett Rossi but he may be lying. It all started when the former star of Hot Shots: Part Deux and that shitty Two and A Half Men show Tweeted a photo of him and Rossi visiting a famous mansion in Reykjavik, Iceland. It was there that Ronald Reagan and Mikhail Gorbachev had one of their old guy cold war chats. So, naturally this would be the place where the warlock would choose to marry his paid sex performer girlfriend. He Tweeted,

“this is the house ware M Gorbachev R Reagan did some epic. it’s also where S and I GOT MARRIED! c #RumorMillUhPede”

S is crazy Charlie Sheen code for Scottie, which is Rossi’s nickname. Presumably because she likes to take it in the warp drives. He may very well be lying. His people claim that it was all a hilarious joke. At least half of that has to be a lie. We are talking about Charlie Sheen. This guy is pretty impulsive and I can see him thinking that the only appropriate venue for someone with dragon blood to get married is a historic house on a volcanic island. He’s been married three other times, what’s a fourth. Your kids already hate you, plus you need a fresh face to chase around the house with a kitchen knife when you get fucked up kind of angry high.

(Photo Via Twitter)

Brett Rossi is the Former Porn Star that Stole Charlie Sheen’s Heart

By Travis December 09, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

Charlie Sheen’s days of nailing everything with two feet may be numbered, because the 48-year old actor who looks like he’s at least 60 claims that his current girlfriend, former porn star Brett Rossi, is the love of his life. Charlie recently put on a hell of a sickening public display with Brett for everyone with a camera to conveniently witness, but while he’s busy accusing his former porn star girlfriends of stealing money from him, he has also been telling TMZ that Brett is the pot of fake breasts at the end of his jizz-soaked rainbow.

“I’ve been on a lifelong journey, a 1000 century quest, in search of the better and missing half of my heart and my brane (sic),” he wrote with incredible irony, adding, “That expedition is now (rated) ‘a major success’ and beyond the valley of dunn-ski complete. The MaSheen wins again.” So we can all look forward to his incredibly offensive and juvenile rant about Brett when this shit goes south by February.

Photo Credit: Getty

Charlie Sheen Takes Break from Custody Battle to Go to Cabo with Porn Star (VIDEO)

By Lex December 02, 2013 @ 2:29 PM

There’s really no better way to show the courts that you’re a fit parent than to spend the Thanksgiving holiday banging a porn star in your Cabo hotel room. It screams good daddy. I guess you could make it worse by Tweeting all about it like Charlie Sheen did, reminding people that while his TV shows and children may be taken away from him, they’ll never get his money or his coke or his Brazzers pussy. I think there’s something noble about that but I’m still trying to figure it out.

You can see some of Brett Rossi’s acting talents above (it stops before the boffing, just fyi), or see the few moments she and Charlie left their hotel room over the long weekend below. Or, you can just wonder to yourself if you could yell out the name ‘Brett’ while having sex and not feel at least a little gay.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet