By Lex November 06, 2014 @ 10:01 AM
Actually, it was yesterday. You missed it. But when next November 5th rolls around you get your ass to Vegas to celebrate Britney Spears Day in the typical custom of shaving your head with a box cutter and lip-synching Britney’s greatest hits while your children cower behind the toilet apparatus.
Britney Spears was presented the key to the Las Vegas Strip by a bunch of government officials in the area with fake jobs sponsored by the seven original crime families. If you ran a blue light over that key it would glow every single inch in white. Somebody needs to dip that fucker in some 6m HCl for about ten minutes to render the blood and sperm safe for children. Britney beamed and read out some rehearsed lines about Vegas feeling like a second home and how the Gambino Pimento Import company was helping her buy sparkle makeup for the local children’s cancer charity.
Britney encouraged all Britney trannies to come to Vegas to celebrate her special day and confuse her new boyfriend with feelings he never knew existed inside of him:
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI/FameFlynet
By Matt September 11, 2014 @ 7:29 AM
Britney Spears’ lawyers sent a threatening letter to Cali Lee, the porn star her ex-boyfriend David Lucado cheated on her with because he sometimes makes good decisions. Spears’ team is demanding Lee adhere to Lucado’s confidentiality agreement, which is a thing two people sign when they are in love and one of them is poor and the other is famous and not poor. Obviously there is no legal standing to enforce a gag order on a third party, but the lawyers are probably banking on Lee being an illiterate sex trade casualty who is easily intimidated. Or they know Spears is blind to over-billing when it involves hotter chicks.
Lucado really shit the bed on this one. Having this chick support him on an income of deep throat scenes and crumpled Spearmint Rhino singles is going to represent a sizable downgrade. Instead of haggling with the unemployment people over mimosas at the Palazzo its going to be a shitty studio in Van Nuys. Men do crazy things for love. Also, for exotic Asian porn poon. With a heavy emphasis toward the latter.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Lex September 10, 2014 @ 9:57 AM
I’m not sure if we’re supposed to believe Britney Spears designed this lingerie line, or likes to wear things like this around the one-quarter of her home her conservatorship allows her to occupy. I’m sure she’ll say both. I’m not buying either. But extortion plot payoffs and Nacho Cheese Doritos don’t just pay for themselves, so it makes sense for Britney to extend herself in the market place of perfectly unnecessary products.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, INF
By Lex September 09, 2014 @ 12:45 PM
I’m not a licensed detective, but that doesn’t stop me from solving hard to solve cases on my own time. Like an Equalizer meets Encyclopedia Brown meets somebody who’s pale and has trouble with several flights of stairs at once. I’m pretty sure Britney Spears boyfriend got set up in his ‘cheating’ on Britney Spears breakup offense. How is it that a relatively nondescript paralegal gets to making out with a seasoned porn star in a suburban L.A. bar as somebody is shooting a video of the two that will ultimately be sold to Britney Spears’ dad to keep it off the market? You see how my steel trap of a mind works?
Pretty much any time porn star anything is involved in a story, you know some shitty plot is afoot. Porn stars like Cali Lee only do things for money or drugs or occasionally to help other sick porn stars dying from The AIDS. Even then they go to those fundraisers just to get more drugs. As my grandpa Dan used to say, if you see vultures, something’s dead.
By Lex August 29, 2014 @ 9:22 AM
Britney Spears’ boyfriend David Lucado was caught on tape dancing and making out with a woman who was somebody else’s chubby girlfriend. The Britney Spears conservancy, also known as Britney’s dad’s rent money, is spinning the story that they reached out to the ‘agency’ holding the tape and bought it from them for safe keeping. This arrangement used to be called extortion, now it’s all done with lawyers and contracts and paid leaks to TMZ. Before daddy secreted the video in a remote cavern in Costa Rica, he made Britney watch it while he stood in the background with a sinister smile and twirled his mustache. One less claimant on his daughter’s money to worry about. Britney immediately contacted Lucado and told them their year long relationship was over. Poor fuck, he was probably set up.
As always, Britney turned to her three million fans on Instagram to let them know she was having a bad day. The onslaught of heart shaped emoticons and inspirational Pablum lifted Britney’s spirit. Britney’s been thrown off this horse before. She’ll rebound after a month of Nilla wafers and trying to remember where she left her kids.
By Lex August 18, 2014 @ 2:35 PM
You’d have to look in Japanese travel guides to know Britney Spears’ performance schedule at the Strip-adjacent nightclub hosting her residency in Las Vegas. After six weeks on and six months off, Britney has returned by order of her conservancy to deliver one hell of a heartfelt show to the good people from foreign lands with favorable exchange rates. Britney is definitely a solid fifteen pounds lighter than her last run. This should allow the minors in the audience to be more visibly shocked when she massages the folds of her mushy labia asynchronously to the beat of one of her re-mastered classics. Britney has many mouths to feed. If a few school aged kids from Kagoshima prefecture have to learn where babies come from a couple years too early, it’s a small price to pay to keep the Spears Family Corporation rolling in clover.
Photo Credit: Splash, FameFlynet