By Lex September 09, 2014 @ 12:45 PM
I’m not a licensed detective, but that doesn’t stop me from solving hard to solve cases on my own time. Like an Equalizer meets Encyclopedia Brown meets somebody who’s pale and has trouble with several flights of stairs at once. I’m pretty sure Britney Spears boyfriend got set up in his ‘cheating’ on Britney Spears breakup offense. How is it that a relatively nondescript paralegal gets to making out with a seasoned porn star in a suburban L.A. bar as somebody is shooting a video of the two that will ultimately be sold to Britney Spears’ dad to keep it off the market? You see how my steel trap of a mind works?
Pretty much any time porn star anything is involved in a story, you know some shitty plot is afoot. Porn stars like Cali Lee only do things for money or drugs or occasionally to help other sick porn stars dying from The AIDS. Even then they go to those fundraisers just to get more drugs. As my grandpa Dan used to say, if you see vultures, something’s dead.
By Lex August 29, 2014 @ 9:22 AM
Britney Spears’ boyfriend David Lucado was caught on tape dancing and making out with a woman who was somebody else’s chubby girlfriend. The Britney Spears conservancy, also known as Britney’s dad’s rent money, is spinning the story that they reached out to the ‘agency’ holding the tape and bought it from them for safe keeping. This arrangement used to be called extortion, now it’s all done with lawyers and contracts and paid leaks to TMZ. Before daddy secreted the video in a remote cavern in Costa Rica, he made Britney watch it while he stood in the background with a sinister smile and twirled his mustache. One less claimant on his daughter’s money to worry about. Britney immediately contacted Lucado and told them their year long relationship was over. Poor fuck, he was probably set up.
As always, Britney turned to her three million fans on Instagram to let them know she was having a bad day. The onslaught of heart shaped emoticons and inspirational Pablum lifted Britney’s spirit. Britney’s been thrown off this horse before. She’ll rebound after a month of Nilla wafers and trying to remember where she left her kids.
By Lex August 18, 2014 @ 2:35 PM
You’d have to look in Japanese travel guides to know Britney Spears’ performance schedule at the Strip-adjacent nightclub hosting her residency in Las Vegas. After six weeks on and six months off, Britney has returned by order of her conservancy to deliver one hell of a heartfelt show to the good people from foreign lands with favorable exchange rates. Britney is definitely a solid fifteen pounds lighter than her last run. This should allow the minors in the audience to be more visibly shocked when she massages the folds of her mushy labia asynchronously to the beat of one of her re-mastered classics. Britney has many mouths to feed. If a few school aged kids from Kagoshima prefecture have to learn where babies come from a couple years too early, it’s a small price to pay to keep the Spears Family Corporation rolling in clover.
Photo Credit: Splash, FameFlynet
By Lex August 12, 2014 @ 9:19 AM
It’s almost time for Britney Spears to return to Las Vegas for her musical residency under conservatorship. She does a month on, six months off, kind of like world class astronauts or super lazy people trying to renew their unemployment. Running up to her opening last December, Britney pretended to get into shape but clearly got gassed on stage with her seams bursting off and injuring several Japanese tourists in the audience who later apologized even though it clearly wasn’t their fault. This time, Britney’s serious about her fitness. She’s been at the gym every single day for over ten days now. That’s some Usain Bolt type dedication. By wearing the exactly same clothes she did at 16, Britney is able to calibrate her physical conditioning to her body during high school, if she had gone to high school. Uncontainable tit fat never lies. When it’s gone, Britney will appear once more.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, FameFlynet, Splash
By Lex August 07, 2014 @ 9:01 AM
Britney Spears released a completely candid and untouched version of an underwear photo to Instagram to show the world what she looks like completely candid these days. When you take away the lights and the re-touching and the the gimmicks, it turns out Britney Spears looks exactly like a clearly Photoshopped version of Britney Spears. Which is pretty fucking weird and amazing. Britney managed to lose thirty pounds of fat around her stomach, ass, and thighs in just a week, dropping down to a size heroin chic with just sixty minutes on the Gazelle. Personally, I like fat Britney. Skinny people from the South make me nervous. Fat Britney seems like a sane Britney. The day she actually looks like this will be the day she’s found in a watch tower picking off innocents with a sniper rifle.
Photo Credit: Britney Spears/Instagram
By Lex July 14, 2014 @ 9:40 AM
The Britney Spears can’t sing controversy continues for either the past week or the past fifteen years depending on when you first noticed. Britney Spears leaked un-computer tuned vocals last week sent a shockwave through the domain of dummies who didn’t realize like most pop music stars Britney’s voice was made palatable through the wonders of modern audio science. William Orbit, Britney’s producer on the Alien single, helped make the story go away by spending every single day of the past week with exaggerated defenses of Britney’s superstar level talent. In his first few counterpunches, Orbit defended her voice, but by Sunday he had become more realistic:
Charisma is charisma. No software ever invented can manufacture that.
And nipples are nipples he forgot to add. Britney certainly has charisma and nipples and that should well explain away criticisms that she isn’t really a singer. Which I’m pretty sure nobody care about in the first place. People just want to see if Britney can keep enough weight off to make it through her dance numbers without coughing up shards of her lung. Thankfully, you can manufacture a breathing tube.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, FameFlynet