Britney Spears is currently on a family vacation in Hawaii with her boyfriend, David Lucado, and her sons Sean Preston and Jayden James (not to be confused with porn star Jayden Jaymes), and what great mother and devoted girlfriend doesn’t stop for a quick and awkward bikini pic to post to her Facebook for millions of people to see? A lot of people are really patting Britney on the back, telling her she looks great and all, as they should. A 32-year old mother of two in child star years might as well be a 56-year old mother of 12, so the fact that her skin hasn’t already fused to the fake leather seat of a Rascal scooter by now is a miracle of health. I just hope that someone reminded Britney to eventually exhale before she passed out on that giraffe skin floor.
Britney Spears wants to get married in Elvis’ Graceland mansion. Brit is talking to Lisa Marie Presley to see if she will let Britney get hitched to her latest boyfriend, David Lucado, in the famously garish house. Elvis’ home is basically the Vatican for hillbillies, a mecca for Southern girls like Britney. This is Britney’s third marriage so she really wants to go big. You never know if there’s going to be a fourth, she’s already thirty-two. Kim Kardashian is facing the same issue heading into her third marriage. Kim’s choosing a big TV wedding in France. I’m guessing both girls will still wear white, it remains the easiest way to mask all the semen.
From front to back and side to side, there’s no denying that Britney Spears is still one of the sexiest women in the world. She was out shopping in Malibu yesterday, and between the cutoff jean shorts and sleeveless, shredded t-shirts, I can’t even think of another female celebrity that looks this good without trying. You could line up every last Victoria’s Secret and Sports Illustrated swimsuit model and tell me to rank them, and I’d start with No. 2 and move on from there, because Britney’s the clear winner of this competition. In fact, Aphrodite might as well just pack shit up and get the hell out of Olympus, because ascending to heaven is the only thing left to do on this pretty lady’s checklist. Well, right after getting some ribs, probably.
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We don’t know the precise details of Britney Spears’ indefinite probation, what is and what isn’t allowed by her father and the star chamber that controls her every waking step. Apparently bras are out. Undergarments provide a common tool for women to mule verboten items passed their pat-downs. I learned that from New Jack City. Britney’s handlers kept a close eye on her braless date with her boyfriend over the weekend. He probably still feels weird about having a bodyguard unroll a prophylactic on his joint every time Britney tells him she needs Big Daddy to make her feel pretty. I bet his buddies remind him that for a part-time legal office assistant and part-time bartender, banging Britney Spears is pretty brass ringish. That should keep him in the game until the Minders insist on fluffing him for improved intercourse.
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If completely unsubstantiated news reports are true, and when are they ever not, Britney Spears has bodyguards who are with her around the clock keeping a diary of all her activities down to what she sticks in her mouth and who she talks to and report it all back to dad on matching Hello Kitty sidekicks. Britney also has a team of personal assistants who help her brush her teeth, wipe her ass with parboiled grape leaves, and transcribe even her personal texts and emails to her boyfriends. The assistants also report back to dad who assembles all the information on a giant map of the world on the wall of the office paid for by Britney’s conservatorship. Everybody is nervous that Britney remains one stitch away from snapping again. Though not so close that they’re not allowing her to take $20 million to flash her crotch to Asian tourists nightly in Vegas. Even the Stasi granted waivers for purely artistic endeavors.
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Britney Spears shuttered her lip-synching extravaganza in Vegas for the week to return to Los Angeles and shed some body mass. Having her corset burst open at the seams on stage sent a powerful message to Britney — beat your Filipina seamstress not twice but thrice to keep that shit from happening again. Spider silk threads, dammit. Also, maybe hit the spaces in the gym beyond the smoothie bar. Her ass does look remarkably better after just a few boot camp workout days and cessation of all Vegas buffet activities. They say it’s the last few pounds that are most difficult to get off. So Britney’s still in the easy phase.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News