Britney Spears Screams Vegas Showgirl

By Lex December 24, 2013 @ 4:26 PM

Britney Spears Goes Out In Sweats In Westlake Village
Just 72 hours left until Britney Spears begins her mega-residency at Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas, that place along the strip they’re pretending isn’t just the former Aladdin Hotel. The folks at Caesar’s who now own the Planet Hollywood Casino are investing a ton of money in Britney because smart money follows chubby crazy girls in sweats.

We love the idea that she appeals to a 30- and 40-something, but also to a 20-something. There are fans who loved her in the ‘90s and 2000s, and she certainly has a large fanbase of folks who follow her contemporary music. This is an artist that casts a wide net across demographics.

– Kurt Melien, VP of entertainment at Caesars Entertainment to Billboard magazine.

Interpret all of that nonsense as ‘Asians fucking love Britney’. Chinese whales are a vast majority of the high-rollers in Vegas and wealthy Asian tourists in general are a big percentage of the spenders in town. Yeah, there’s a fan base of American teen girls who ‘follow her contemporary music’. But they aren’t spending big bucks to see Britney off the Planet Hollywood Casino.

Three days to go Britney, you’ve got 16 pounds to lose, get on the shiny sauna suit and take a jog. People aren’t flying across the Pacific Ocean to see your muffin top.

Photo Credit: Splash

Britney Spears Is a Perfectionist

By Lex December 12, 2013 @ 3:19 PM

Britney Spears In White Lace Lingerie In Her Music Video For 'Perfume'
With just two weeks left until Britney debuts her big show in Vegas, you can feel the electricity in the air. It’s doubly palpable when you’re talking about a woman who was inexplicably wearing wigs and speaking in a British accent just a few years ago. You never know what’s going to happen. Will her stage show dazzle the audience? Will she piss gasoline onto their morbidly obese bodies before engulfing the venue in flames? It’s entirely up in the air. That’s the true magic of Britney: Piece of Me at Planet Hollywood.

“Vegas is definitely a new challenge. I feel I’m more of a perfectionist these days. The increased scrutiny does make me a little harder on myself these days. There are more expectations of me now, not just in terms of what I do, but also in terms of who I am.” — Britney babbling to the U.K. Telegraph.

It’s nice to finally see Britney accepting the mantle of role model to millions of American moms who just want to eat cheeseburgers and fill out their sweats while also getting paid $300K a night to sing their classic songs in a fat-shrinking girdle.

Here’s Britney in her underwear for her new music video Perfume. If they can hoist her onto the stage in this exact same position and lighting, she’s going to be just fine.

Somali Pirates Buzzkilled by Britney Spears

By Jack November 05, 2013 @ 1:21 PM

The latest weapon in the fight against Somali pirates is the music of Britney Spears. The waters off the coast of East Africa are notoriously infested by pirates. These guys aren’t Johnny fucking Depp either. They’re desperate dudes with Russian rifles and machetes. The U.S. navy has discovered that blaring Britney from the ship’s loudspeakers is usually enough to scare the pirates off. Classic Britney songs like Baby One More Time and Oops I Did It Again tend to work best. A spokesman for the Navy says,

“It’s so effective the ship’s security rarely needs to resort to firing guns. As soon as the pirates get a blast of Britney, they move on as quickly as they can.”

The reason they supposedly hate Britney so much is that as devout Muslims they find her music offensive. Or maybe the Somali pirates just have better musical tastes than the average American teenager circa 1999. If that Captain Phillips guy had only had a copy of Toxic then he wouldn’t have been kidnapped and we wouldn’t have had to see the trailer for that fucking movie for the last year and a half.

Britney Spears’ Dad Wants More Money to Conservator Her

By Lex October 17, 2013 @ 4:36 PM

Britney Spears Steps Out Braless In A Low Cut Top In London
It seems like such a long time ago that Britney shaved her head and holed up in her bathroom with her kids. Like, many many paychecks to her dad for being in charge of her money ago. Jamie Spears gets $16K a month to make sure Britney’s money is only being spent wisely, like the $6 million he authorized last year for shopping trips for his daughter. Just the essentials. In addition to his conservator salary, Jamie Spears also gets money to pay the rent on his ‘I take care of Britney’ office space. He says his rent has risen, so he asked the judge to give him another eight-hundred bucks a month of Britney’s money to cover that. It’s hard to watch a man go through this process really. There’s a quiet dignity in living off your daughter’s money that is simply besmirched by the legal process.

Photo Credit: Splash

Britney Spears Wants a Bigger Stage

By Lex October 02, 2013 @ 4:08 PM

Britney Spears In Her New Video For 'Work Bitch'
Britney Spears isn’t happy with the size of her new venue at Planet Hollywood in Vegas. It’s the same small stage where Holly Madison worked the pole in Peepshow and it’s far smaller than the arena stage Britney’s used to stomping around on with her mouth moving to her pre-recorded songs playing on the PA. But, it’s a good way to stop the ‘Britney shows not selling out’ memes running across the gossip circuit. Just move to a smaller venue and herald the fact that your packing them in each night. In a not so roundabout way, it’s the same reason I will only have sex with midgets.

Here’s Britney in her new Work Bitch music video. It’s been heralded as her greatest work in a decade. I do know the post-production people deserve a ton of credit because we saw Britney’s hanging ass on the set during filming. Poof. Movie magic. All gone.

Britney Spears Still Kind Of Has It

By Travis September 27, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

Britney Spears is riding a pretty big high right now, as her upcoming Las Vegas show is already reportedly one of the best-selling of all-time (while other reports say the exact opposite), and she released a new teaser clip for her “Work Bitch” music video on Instagram last night. The song’s a flaming bag of her kids’ old diapers, but I guess it’s pretty important to remember that this crazy chick has been through a lot and still looks pretty good. She’ll never recapture the magic of early 20s Britney again, but we could do a lot worse than “early 30s with two kids, divorced from Kevin Federline” Britney. Namely, Miley Cyrus.