By Lex August 12, 2014 @ 9:19 AM
It’s almost time for Britney Spears to return to Las Vegas for her musical residency under conservatorship. She does a month on, six months off, kind of like world class astronauts or super lazy people trying to renew their unemployment. Running up to her opening last December, Britney pretended to get into shape but clearly got gassed on stage with her seams bursting off and injuring several Japanese tourists in the audience who later apologized even though it clearly wasn’t their fault. This time, Britney’s serious about her fitness. She’s been at the gym every single day for over ten days now. That’s some Usain Bolt type dedication. By wearing the exactly same clothes she did at 16, Britney is able to calibrate her physical conditioning to her body during high school, if she had gone to high school. Uncontainable tit fat never lies. When it’s gone, Britney will appear once more.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, FameFlynet, Splash
By Lex August 07, 2014 @ 9:01 AM
Britney Spears released a completely candid and untouched version of an underwear photo to Instagram to show the world what she looks like completely candid these days. When you take away the lights and the re-touching and the the gimmicks, it turns out Britney Spears looks exactly like a clearly Photoshopped version of Britney Spears. Which is pretty fucking weird and amazing. Britney managed to lose thirty pounds of fat around her stomach, ass, and thighs in just a week, dropping down to a size heroin chic with just sixty minutes on the Gazelle. Personally, I like fat Britney. Skinny people from the South make me nervous. Fat Britney seems like a sane Britney. The day she actually looks like this will be the day she’s found in a watch tower picking off innocents with a sniper rifle.
Photo Credit: Britney Spears/Instagram
By Lex July 14, 2014 @ 9:40 AM
The Britney Spears can’t sing controversy continues for either the past week or the past fifteen years depending on when you first noticed. Britney Spears leaked un-computer tuned vocals last week sent a shockwave through the domain of dummies who didn’t realize like most pop music stars Britney’s voice was made palatable through the wonders of modern audio science. William Orbit, Britney’s producer on the Alien single, helped make the story go away by spending every single day of the past week with exaggerated defenses of Britney’s superstar level talent. In his first few counterpunches, Orbit defended her voice, but by Sunday he had become more realistic:
Charisma is charisma. No software ever invented can manufacture that.
And nipples are nipples he forgot to add. Britney certainly has charisma and nipples and that should well explain away criticisms that she isn’t really a singer. Which I’m pretty sure nobody care about in the first place. People just want to see if Britney can keep enough weight off to make it through her dance numbers without coughing up shards of her lung. Thankfully, you can manufacture a breathing tube.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, FameFlynet
By Lex April 07, 2014 @ 4:00 PM
$200 won’t even get you this kind of view with Britney at her provocatively boring show in Vegas. So pay attention kids playing the world’s most popular sport that nobody in this country gives a shit about. You’re getting premium seating attraction. There was a time when Britney wouldn’t be caught dead wearing underwear. Not showing her son’s teammates the primordial goo from whence she pushed his cranium into this world seems like a very grown up step for Britney. I guess even crazy people mature into slightly more socially responsible crazy people.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Travis March 28, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
Britney Spears is currently on a family vacation in Hawaii with her boyfriend, David Lucado, and her sons Sean Preston and Jayden James (not to be confused with porn star Jayden Jaymes), and what great mother and devoted girlfriend doesn’t stop for a quick and awkward bikini pic to post to her Facebook for millions of people to see? A lot of people are really patting Britney on the back, telling her she looks great and all, as they should. A 32-year old mother of two in child star years might as well be a 56-year old mother of 12, so the fact that her skin hasn’t already fused to the fake leather seat of a Rascal scooter by now is a miracle of health. I just hope that someone reminded Britney to eventually exhale before she passed out on that giraffe skin floor.