By Lex January 09, 2015 @ 10:39 AM
I’ve been accused of being too negative. Mostly by idiots who deserve to drown under unnecessarily complicated pool rafts. But who can’t be excited by the fact that Britney is back in playing shape. It took ten years and an amount of prescription medication that can only be described as Sunny Von Bulow-esque, but here she is. Ready to serve the Britney Spears conservatorship and the Asian tourists of Las Vegas who need something to do in between buying leather goods and tracking down their husbands at Pai Gow. That’s probably a tinge racist. It’s Friday. The point is, Britney looks like the Britney you once dreamed of scrumping. Have one last go at it. Crazy doesn’t sleep forever.
Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews
By Matt November 13, 2014 @ 8:32 AM
Britney Spears made the trust fundy bearded dude she is dating sign a Non Disclosure Agreement before they even met. Charlie Ebersol apparently didn’t mind signing the document, which would make it illegal for him to talk to his friends about Spears’ meds or even her opinion of the McRib. It appears the one thing he is permitted to discuss is the Non Disclosure Agreement, and he’s also able to ask Spears basic questions he clears through her reps while they are having romantic dinners or awkward obligatory sex.
Your average chick has a few red flags. An ex boyfriend who still mows her lawn or a penchant for excessively squeezing oblong vegetables in the produce section. When she is riddled with peculiar habits and dark secrets to the point that the details of her life require a contract you may want to block her on Tinder. The Non Disclosure Agreement is really the Red Flag of Red Flags. Think about all the horrible crap you already know about Britney Spears. Now imagine there’s something way worse that she’s still hiding. Run, you bearded bon vivant, while you still have your good limbs.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex November 06, 2014 @ 10:01 AM
Actually, it was yesterday. You missed it. But when next November 5th rolls around you get your ass to Vegas to celebrate Britney Spears Day in the typical custom of shaving your head with a box cutter and lip-synching Britney’s greatest hits while your children cower behind the toilet apparatus.
Britney Spears was presented the key to the Las Vegas Strip by a bunch of government officials in the area with fake jobs sponsored by the seven original crime families. If you ran a blue light over that key it would glow every single inch in white. Somebody needs to dip that fucker in some 6m HCl for about ten minutes to render the blood and sperm safe for children. Britney beamed and read out some rehearsed lines about Vegas feeling like a second home and how the Gambino Pimento Import company was helping her buy sparkle makeup for the local children’s cancer charity.
Britney encouraged all Britney trannies to come to Vegas to celebrate her special day and confuse her new boyfriend with feelings he never knew existed inside of him:
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI/FameFlynet
By Matt September 11, 2014 @ 7:29 AM
Britney Spears’ lawyers sent a threatening letter to Cali Lee, the porn star her ex-boyfriend David Lucado cheated on her with because he sometimes makes good decisions. Spears’ team is demanding Lee adhere to Lucado’s confidentiality agreement, which is a thing two people sign when they are in love and one of them is poor and the other is famous and not poor. Obviously there is no legal standing to enforce a gag order on a third party, but the lawyers are probably banking on Lee being an illiterate sex trade casualty who is easily intimidated. Or they know Spears is blind to over-billing when it involves hotter chicks.
Lucado really shit the bed on this one. Having this chick support him on an income of deep throat scenes and crumpled Spearmint Rhino singles is going to represent a sizable downgrade. Instead of haggling with the unemployment people over mimosas at the Palazzo its going to be a shitty studio in Van Nuys. Men do crazy things for love. Also, for exotic Asian porn poon. With a heavy emphasis toward the latter.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Lex September 10, 2014 @ 9:57 AM
I’m not sure if we’re supposed to believe Britney Spears designed this lingerie line, or likes to wear things like this around the one-quarter of her home her conservatorship allows her to occupy. I’m sure she’ll say both. I’m not buying either. But extortion plot payoffs and Nacho Cheese Doritos don’t just pay for themselves, so it makes sense for Britney to extend herself in the market place of perfectly unnecessary products.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, INF
By Lex September 09, 2014 @ 12:45 PM
I’m not a licensed detective, but that doesn’t stop me from solving hard to solve cases on my own time. Like an Equalizer meets Encyclopedia Brown meets somebody who’s pale and has trouble with several flights of stairs at once. I’m pretty sure Britney Spears boyfriend got set up in his ‘cheating’ on Britney Spears breakup offense. How is it that a relatively nondescript paralegal gets to making out with a seasoned porn star in a suburban L.A. bar as somebody is shooting a video of the two that will ultimately be sold to Britney Spears’ dad to keep it off the market? You see how my steel trap of a mind works?
Pretty much any time porn star anything is involved in a story, you know some shitty plot is afoot. Porn stars like Cali Lee only do things for money or drugs or occasionally to help other sick porn stars dying from The AIDS. Even then they go to those fundraisers just to get more drugs. As my grandpa Dan used to say, if you see vultures, something’s dead.