Britney Spears is going to rake in the dough as she transitions into the fat jumpsuit Elvis phase of her career. She is slated to perform 48 shows at the Planet Hollywood Casino in Vegas at $310,000 a show. Slack-jawed obese mouth-breathers from the Midwest will fork over $160 a ticket to remember what life was like 12 years, 87 pounds, and 6 kids ago. Celine Dion is still the highest paid has-been in Vegas getting a reported $476,000 a show because, apparently, there are just enough suicidal people looking to be driven over the edge to justify spending that kind of money. Ferris wheels and Britney Spears and cracking down on hookers are the future of Vegas. So, basically Disneyland with Asian dudes playing pai gow in Frontierland.
Miley Cyrus may look like the poor-outcome rabbits they find behind the makeup product testing labs, but she’s at least hitting the gym to make sure her ass looks tight in all her tiny costumes. Britney, meh, not so much. Somebody’s got to shoot her full of PEDs and get her back in the game for another season or two. That conservatorship is going to end at some point and she needs to reload on crazy money.
Here’s Britney wardrobed up on the set of Work Bitch, her new music video. It’s got a great title, it just needs a put together butt and maybe and an accidental production death and I’m definitely watching.
Britney Spears posted the above image from the set of her new music video to Instagram yesterday, and I guess we can’t really fault the former teen pop queen for trying to remain relevant, but it’s time for her to let it go. She doesn’t look bad by any means, but Christina Aguilera had ballooned up to half a ton before she lost a lot of weight so she could look incredibly hot again, and that raised the bar pretty high. Britney looks like a sober 5 or a drunk 7 at best, and that’s before we take any of the hundreds of pop stars who are both younger and hotter than her into account. By that point, she’s just the fat friend at last call.
Every magazine photo is touched up these days, from a little to a lot. But if you’re Shape magazine and promoting fitness, you can’t just airbrush Britney Spears into a sleek specimen and tell all the fudgy gals who read your magazine to be inspired by Britney. I read lots of women’s magazines. I drink diet soda. I cried when Oprah died, I mean, I will. I know women. They love to be inspired and hate to be lied to. This is a lie. Bring back the muffin top.
Photo Credit: Shape Magazine
It’s time to stop judging Britney Spears by the standards of a potentially sexy pop star and start judging her as a soccer mom you wouldn’t throw out of bed. Even if she left crumbs and Fudgsicle® stains.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Bauer-Griffin
I shop at Ralph’s too, just like Britney Spears. They’ve got the best cupcakes, 12 for $3 with your club card. Seeing Britney at Ralph’s made me think of country baked ham. Which is also on sale this week with your club card. The real key is that club card. And Britney busting a seam.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet