Britney Spears Wants To Get Married In Graceland

By Jack March 12, 2014 @ 12:48 PM

Britney Spears wants to get married in Elvis’ Graceland mansion. Brit is talking to Lisa Marie Presley to see if she will let Britney get hitched to her latest boyfriend, David Lucado, in the famously garish house. Elvis’ home is basically the Vatican for hillbillies, a mecca for Southern girls like Britney. This is Britney’s third marriage so she really wants to go big. You never know if there’s going to be a fourth, she’s already thirty-two. Kim Kardashian is facing the same  issue heading into her third marriage. Kim’s choosing a big TV wedding in France. I’m guessing both girls will still wear white, it remains the easiest way to mask all the semen.

Britney Spears Has Still Got It

By Travis March 11, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

From front to back and side to side, there’s no denying that Britney Spears is still one of the sexiest women in the world. She was out shopping in Malibu yesterday, and between the cutoff jean shorts and sleeveless, shredded t-shirts, I can’t even think of another female celebrity that looks this good without trying. You could line up every last Victoria’s Secret and Sports Illustrated swimsuit model and tell me to rank them, and I’d start with No. 2 and move on from there, because Britney’s the clear winner of this competition. In fact, Aphrodite might as well just pack shit up and get the hell out of Olympus, because ascending to heaven is the only thing left to do on this pretty lady’s checklist. Well, right after getting some ribs, probably.

Photo Credits: revolutionpix/

Britney Spears Minders Won’t Let Her Use Bras

By Lex February 24, 2014 @ 1:35 PM

Britney Spears Goes Braless Out In Calabasas
We don’t know the precise details of Britney Spears’ indefinite probation, what is and what isn’t allowed by her father and the star chamber that controls her every waking step. Apparently bras are out. Undergarments provide a common tool for women to mule verboten items passed their pat-downs. I learned that from New Jack City. Britney’s handlers kept a close eye on her braless date with her boyfriend over the weekend. He probably still feels weird about having a bodyguard unroll a prophylactic on his joint every time Britney tells him she needs Big Daddy to make her feel pretty. I bet his buddies remind him that for a part-time legal office assistant and part-time bartender, banging Britney Spears is pretty brass ringish. That should keep him in the game until the Minders insist on fluffing him for improved intercourse.

Photo Credit: Splash

Britney Spears Is Being Closely Monitored

By Lex February 18, 2014 @ 6:42 PM

Britney Spears Performs A Valentine's Day Show In Las Vegas
If completely unsubstantiated news reports are true, and when are they ever not, Britney Spears has bodyguards who are with her around the clock keeping a diary of all her activities down to what she sticks in her mouth and who she talks to and report it all back to dad on matching Hello Kitty sidekicks. Britney also has a team of personal assistants who help her brush her teeth, wipe her ass with parboiled grape leaves, and transcribe even her personal texts and emails to her boyfriends. The assistants also report back to dad who assembles all the information on a giant map of the world on the wall of the office paid for by Britney’s conservatorship. Everybody is nervous that Britney remains one stitch away from snapping again. Though not so close that they’re not allowing her to take $20 million to flash her crotch to Asian tourists nightly in Vegas. Even the Stasi granted waivers for purely artistic endeavors.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Britney Spears Goes Dark

By Lex January 10, 2014 @ 6:50 PM

Britney Spears Wears See Through Tights With Holes Out In Los Angeles
Britney Spears shuttered her lip-synching extravaganza in Vegas for the week to return to Los Angeles and shed some body mass. Having her corset burst open at the seams on stage sent a powerful message to Britney — beat your Filipina seamstress not twice but thrice to keep that shit from happening again. Spider silk threads, dammit. Also, maybe hit the spaces in the gym beyond the smoothie bar. Her ass does look remarkably better after just a few boot camp workout days and cessation of all Vegas buffet activities. They say it’s the last few pounds that are most difficult to get off. So Britney’s still in the easy phase.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Britney Spears Called Creepy and Cold by Her Own Superfans

By Lex January 06, 2014 @ 5:09 PM

I guess some people really really like Britney Spears. The ones who signed up for the $2500 Meet and Greet Britney package at Planet Hollywood. Now, they’re all disappointed and sad because their two and a half g’s earned them precisely three seconds with Britney who coldly stood next to them for a photo and moved on to the next. You can’t pull that kind of shit on obsessed fans and get away with it. The mentally challenged mob quickly turned on Britney, bitching about the ripoff backstage access to Britney, even noting how creepy Britney looked with her weird wig and sad eyes. Like Sailer Moon strapped into a girdle.

“Fans were told before the meet-and-greet that they were not to hug or touch Britney without her permission and they weren’t allowed to bring her any gifts.”

Right off the bat you’ve just cut off two of the top two stalker activities. Unwanted touching and overly personal gift giving. I feel bad for the lady who made a pie out of her fifth child’s placenta and brought it to save Britney’s life only to be told, no gifts. And then only three seconds to explain her plans to join souls with Britney by way of the afterbirth. That sucks too. I hope these people got their money back and use it buy grandma teeth that fit so she can look less like creepy Britney.