Britney Spears Is Being Closely Monitored

By Lex February 18, 2014 @ 6:42 PM

Britney Spears Performs A Valentine's Day Show In Las Vegas
If completely unsubstantiated news reports are true, and when are they ever not, Britney Spears has bodyguards who are with her around the clock keeping a diary of all her activities down to what she sticks in her mouth and who she talks to and report it all back to dad on matching Hello Kitty sidekicks. Britney also has a team of personal assistants who help her brush her teeth, wipe her ass with parboiled grape leaves, and transcribe even her personal texts and emails to her boyfriends. The assistants also report back to dad who assembles all the information on a giant map of the world on the wall of the office paid for by Britney’s conservatorship. Everybody is nervous that Britney remains one stitch away from snapping again. Though not so close that they’re not allowing her to take $20 million to flash her crotch to Asian tourists nightly in Vegas. Even the Stasi granted waivers for purely artistic endeavors.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Britney Spears Goes Dark

By Lex January 10, 2014 @ 6:50 PM

Britney Spears Wears See Through Tights With Holes Out In Los Angeles
Britney Spears shuttered her lip-synching extravaganza in Vegas for the week to return to Los Angeles and shed some body mass. Having her corset burst open at the seams on stage sent a powerful message to Britney — beat your Filipina seamstress not twice but thrice to keep that shit from happening again. Spider silk threads, dammit. Also, maybe hit the spaces in the gym beyond the smoothie bar. Her ass does look remarkably better after just a few boot camp workout days and cessation of all Vegas buffet activities. They say it’s the last few pounds that are most difficult to get off. So Britney’s still in the easy phase.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Britney Spears Called Creepy and Cold by Her Own Superfans

By Lex January 06, 2014 @ 5:09 PM

I guess some people really really like Britney Spears. The ones who signed up for the $2500 Meet and Greet Britney package at Planet Hollywood. Now, they’re all disappointed and sad because their two and a half g’s earned them precisely three seconds with Britney who coldly stood next to them for a photo and moved on to the next. You can’t pull that kind of shit on obsessed fans and get away with it. The mentally challenged mob quickly turned on Britney, bitching about the ripoff backstage access to Britney, even noting how creepy Britney looked with her weird wig and sad eyes. Like Sailer Moon strapped into a girdle.

“Fans were told before the meet-and-greet that they were not to hug or touch Britney without her permission and they weren’t allowed to bring her any gifts.”

Right off the bat you’ve just cut off two of the top two stalker activities. Unwanted touching and overly personal gift giving. I feel bad for the lady who made a pie out of her fifth child’s placenta and brought it to save Britney’s life only to be told, no gifts. And then only three seconds to explain her plans to join souls with Britney by way of the afterbirth. That sucks too. I hope these people got their money back and use it buy grandma teeth that fit so she can look less like creepy Britney.


Britney Spears Paints Her Abs On

By Jack January 03, 2014 @ 2:26 PM

Britney Spears is receiving criticism from the interwebs for apparently painting on her abs. Britney, who has moved on to the fat jumpsuit Elvis Las Vegas period of her career, has already caught shit for lip syncing during her shows. Britney has definitely lost a lot of weight over the last few years from her chunky post-crazy maximum load. But a six pack takes dedication and time. Why bother with any of that shit when you can just have your makeup artist draw it on with a bit of eyebrow pencil and a stencil? It’s possible that she is simply accentuating an existing six pack with makeup, It’s also possible Britney is passing up the MGM buffet each evening for a sprig of parsley and stomach crunches. Anything is possible in Las Vegas. It’s the city of dreams.

(Photo Via Instagram)

Britney Spears Walks Her Boyfriend On A Leash Onstage

By Lex January 02, 2014 @ 2:52 PM

Britney Spears Walks Her Boyfriend David Lucado On A Leash Onstage During Her Performance At Her Residency In Las Vegas
All the real men are lining up to be the submissive Britney walks on a leash across the stage in her fabulously fat tour de force signature show in Las Vegas. Opening night it was Mario Lopez, because Mario will do anything for a buck and an ounce of attention. New Year’s Eve it was her part-time bartending boyfriend David Lucado. I guess he didn’t have much choice. Britney ordered him to get on the harness or else she’d make him watch her cram her muffin rolls back into her plasticine body suit. He took the leash. We’ve all done some pretty humiliating stuff to get laid before, though I’m proud to say I’ve never had to bark like a dog or crawl across a floor or… actually, just those two things. Wait until this dude finds out Britney’s dad controls all her money and he isn’t getting shit for literally being pussy-whipped. He’s going to chew himself right off his leash. David makes me proud to be a man.

Photo Credit:

Britney Spears Wardrobe Splits Open in Vegas

By Lex December 31, 2013 @ 1:06 PM

Britney Spears Has A Wardrobe Malfunction During Her Performance In Las Vegas
I hate to say I told you so, but Britney’s going to need some space-age type teflon seams to keep her snug outfits from rupturing nightly during her show in Vegas. You can’t just expect traditional fibers to hold up to the load-bearing pressure of her bulges shifting like tectonic plates against her various tightly bound showgirl costumes. Anybody who’s ever worked the assembly line at Hillshire Farms knows the nightmare of overstuffed casings coming down the pike at four feet per second. Despite the potential embarrassment, I’d go dark on the show for the next ten days or 15 pounds.
Photo Credit: Instagram