By Lex January 02, 2014 @ 2:52 PM
All the real men are lining up to be the submissive Britney walks on a leash across the stage in her fabulously fat tour de force signature show in Las Vegas. Opening night it was Mario Lopez, because Mario will do anything for a buck and an ounce of attention. New Year’s Eve it was her part-time bartending boyfriend David Lucado. I guess he didn’t have much choice. Britney ordered him to get on the harness or else she’d make him watch her cram her muffin rolls back into her plasticine body suit. He took the leash. We’ve all done some pretty humiliating stuff to get laid before, though I’m proud to say I’ve never had to bark like a dog or crawl across a floor or… actually, just those two things. Wait until this dude finds out Britney’s dad controls all her money and he isn’t getting shit for literally being pussy-whipped. He’s going to chew himself right off his leash. David makes me proud to be a man.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com
By Lex December 31, 2013 @ 1:06 PM
I hate to say I told you so, but Britney’s going to need some space-age type teflon seams to keep her snug outfits from rupturing nightly during her show in Vegas. You can’t just expect traditional fibers to hold up to the load-bearing pressure of her bulges shifting like tectonic plates against her various tightly bound showgirl costumes. Anybody who’s ever worked the assembly line at Hillshire Farms knows the nightmare of overstuffed casings coming down the pike at four feet per second. Despite the potential embarrassment, I’d go dark on the show for the next ten days or 15 pounds.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex December 30, 2013 @ 6:00 AM
I don’t get it. Britney Spears descends from the rafters looking like Prince Fielder trying to fit into last year’s jersey, lip-synchs some of her hit songs, and walks Mario Lopez around on a leash, then collects $20 million? Jesus, Britney, what do you get when you gobble down sweets? She couldn’t hit the elliptical for a couple weeks before opening night? It didn’t matter to the screaming planted fans like drunk Miley Cyrus who went batshit crazy in the front row. I guess the sight of ass-fat and constrictive girdles triggers spasms in Miley’s frontal lobe where God intended her learning to be.
It’s hard to imagine this goes on for two more years. At some point, they’re going to have to lower the stage because even fifteen feet above sea level might be the oxygen balance breaker for Britney. Maybe you get a free spin at roulette if you’re there the night Britney has her first cardiac incident. Somebody’s getting buried in the desert over this. If it’s Britney, they better bring the Caterpillar.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex December 24, 2013 @ 4:26 PM
Just 72 hours left until Britney Spears begins her mega-residency at Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas, that place along the strip they’re pretending isn’t just the former Aladdin Hotel. The folks at Caesar’s who now own the Planet Hollywood Casino are investing a ton of money in Britney because smart money follows chubby crazy girls in sweats.
We love the idea that she appeals to a 30- and 40-something, but also to a 20-something. There are fans who loved her in the ‘90s and 2000s, and she certainly has a large fanbase of folks who follow her contemporary music. This is an artist that casts a wide net across demographics.
– Kurt Melien, VP of entertainment at Caesars Entertainment to Billboard magazine.
Interpret all of that nonsense as ‘Asians fucking love Britney’. Chinese whales are a vast majority of the high-rollers in Vegas and wealthy Asian tourists in general are a big percentage of the spenders in town. Yeah, there’s a fan base of American teen girls who ‘follow her contemporary music’. But they aren’t spending big bucks to see Britney off the Planet Hollywood Casino.
Three days to go Britney, you’ve got 16 pounds to lose, get on the shiny sauna suit and take a jog. People aren’t flying across the Pacific Ocean to see your muffin top.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex December 12, 2013 @ 3:19 PM
With just two weeks left until Britney debuts her big show in Vegas, you can feel the electricity in the air. It’s doubly palpable when you’re talking about a woman who was inexplicably wearing wigs and speaking in a British accent just a few years ago. You never know what’s going to happen. Will her stage show dazzle the audience? Will she piss gasoline onto their morbidly obese bodies before engulfing the venue in flames? It’s entirely up in the air. That’s the true magic of Britney: Piece of Me at Planet Hollywood.
“Vegas is definitely a new challenge. I feel I’m more of a perfectionist these days. The increased scrutiny does make me a little harder on myself these days. There are more expectations of me now, not just in terms of what I do, but also in terms of who I am.” — Britney babbling to the U.K. Telegraph.
It’s nice to finally see Britney accepting the mantle of role model to millions of American moms who just want to eat cheeseburgers and fill out their sweats while also getting paid $300K a night to sing their classic songs in a fat-shrinking girdle.
Here’s Britney in her underwear for her new music video Perfume. If they can hoist her onto the stage in this exact same position and lighting, she’s going to be just fine.
By Jack November 05, 2013 @ 1:21 PM
The latest weapon in the fight against Somali pirates is the music of Britney Spears. The waters off the coast of East Africa are notoriously infested by pirates. These guys aren’t Johnny fucking Depp either. They’re desperate dudes with Russian rifles and machetes. The U.S. navy has discovered that blaring Britney from the ship’s loudspeakers is usually enough to scare the pirates off. Classic Britney songs like Baby One More Time and Oops I Did It Again tend to work best. A spokesman for the Navy says,
“It’s so effective the ship’s security rarely needs to resort to firing guns. As soon as the pirates get a blast of Britney, they move on as quickly as they can.”
The reason they supposedly hate Britney so much is that as devout Muslims they find her music offensive. Or maybe the Somali pirates just have better musical tastes than the average American teenager circa 1999. If that Captain Phillips guy had only had a copy of Toxic then he wouldn’t have been kidnapped and we wouldn’t have had to see the trailer for that fucking movie for the last year and a half.