Somali Pirates Buzzkilled by Britney Spears

By Jack November 05, 2013 @ 1:21 PM

The latest weapon in the fight against Somali pirates is the music of Britney Spears. The waters off the coast of East Africa are notoriously infested by pirates. These guys aren’t Johnny fucking Depp either. They’re desperate dudes with Russian rifles and machetes. The U.S. navy has discovered that blaring Britney from the ship’s loudspeakers is usually enough to scare the pirates off. Classic Britney songs like Baby One More Time and Oops I Did It Again tend to work best. A spokesman for the Navy says,

“It’s so effective the ship’s security rarely needs to resort to firing guns. As soon as the pirates get a blast of Britney, they move on as quickly as they can.”

The reason they supposedly hate Britney so much is that as devout Muslims they find her music offensive. Or maybe the Somali pirates just have better musical tastes than the average American teenager circa 1999. If that Captain Phillips guy had only had a copy of Toxic then he wouldn’t have been kidnapped and we wouldn’t have had to see the trailer for that fucking movie for the last year and a half.

Britney Spears’ Dad Wants More Money to Conservator Her

By Lex October 17, 2013 @ 4:36 PM

Britney Spears Steps Out Braless In A Low Cut Top In London
It seems like such a long time ago that Britney shaved her head and holed up in her bathroom with her kids. Like, many many paychecks to her dad for being in charge of her money ago. Jamie Spears gets $16K a month to make sure Britney’s money is only being spent wisely, like the $6 million he authorized last year for shopping trips for his daughter. Just the essentials. In addition to his conservator salary, Jamie Spears also gets money to pay the rent on his ‘I take care of Britney’ office space. He says his rent has risen, so he asked the judge to give him another eight-hundred bucks a month of Britney’s money to cover that. It’s hard to watch a man go through this process really. There’s a quiet dignity in living off your daughter’s money that is simply besmirched by the legal process.

Photo Credit: Splash

Britney Spears Wants a Bigger Stage

By Lex October 02, 2013 @ 4:08 PM

Britney Spears In Her New Video For 'Work Bitch'
Britney Spears isn’t happy with the size of her new venue at Planet Hollywood in Vegas. It’s the same small stage where Holly Madison worked the pole in Peepshow and it’s far smaller than the arena stage Britney’s used to stomping around on with her mouth moving to her pre-recorded songs playing on the PA. But, it’s a good way to stop the ‘Britney shows not selling out’ memes running across the gossip circuit. Just move to a smaller venue and herald the fact that your packing them in each night. In a not so roundabout way, it’s the same reason I will only have sex with midgets.

Here’s Britney in her new Work Bitch music video. It’s been heralded as her greatest work in a decade. I do know the post-production people deserve a ton of credit because we saw Britney’s hanging ass on the set during filming. Poof. Movie magic. All gone.

Britney Spears Still Kind Of Has It

By Travis September 27, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

Britney Spears is riding a pretty big high right now, as her upcoming Las Vegas show is already reportedly one of the best-selling of all-time (while other reports say the exact opposite), and she released a new teaser clip for her “Work Bitch” music video on Instagram last night. The song’s a flaming bag of her kids’ old diapers, but I guess it’s pretty important to remember that this crazy chick has been through a lot and still looks pretty good. She’ll never recapture the magic of early 20s Britney again, but we could do a lot worse than “early 30s with two kids, divorced from Kevin Federline” Britney. Namely, Miley Cyrus.

Britney Spears Is Going To Make Fat Elvis Bank

By Jack September 16, 2013 @ 1:16 PM

Britney Spears is going to rake in the dough as she transitions into the fat jumpsuit Elvis phase of her career. She is slated to perform 48 shows at the Planet Hollywood Casino in Vegas at $310,000 a show. Slack-jawed obese mouth-breathers from the Midwest will fork over $160 a ticket to remember what life was like 12 years, 87 pounds, and 6 kids ago. Celine Dion is still the highest paid has-been in Vegas getting a reported $476,000 a show because, apparently, there are just enough suicidal people looking to be driven over the edge to justify spending that kind of money. Ferris wheels and Britney Spears and cracking down on hookers are the future of Vegas. So, basically Disneyland with Asian dudes playing pai gow in Frontierland.

Britney’s Ass Is Hanging At Around 6 O’Clock

By Lex September 10, 2013 @ 5:30 PM

Miley Cyrus may look like the poor-outcome rabbits they find behind the makeup product testing labs, but she’s at least hitting the gym to make sure her ass looks tight in all her tiny costumes. Britney, meh, not so much. Somebody’s got to shoot her full of PEDs and get her back in the game for another season or two. That conservatorship is going to end at some point and she needs to reload on crazy money.

Here’s Britney wardrobed up on the set of Work Bitch, her new music video. It’s got a great title, it just needs a put together butt and maybe and an accidental production death and I’m definitely watching.