ALL BRITNEY, ALL THE TIME

By brendon January 05, 2007 @ 1:02 PM

The Post says that Britney was caught muttering to herself as the above pictures were being taken, mumbling "I love myself, I love myself" over and over again.  Then, someone who I have to assume was being sarcastic, shouted “You look beautiful," to which Britney responded, "I love you for saying that!".  And she really really means it too.  As you can tell by her official website, which has been updated with a self absorbed rambling mess where – in just two paragraphs – she says "I", "me" or "my" 42 times.   And rumors persist that her record label is about to drop her, even though – or maybe because – she is halfway through making a new record.  Sources tell Page Six that Jive Records is "going to drop her any day now."  They say:

insiders believe the album will never hit shelves. "Like the rest of us," said the source, "Jive is done with Britney Spears." A rep for Jive denied all, saying, "Jive's relationship with Britney is fine. She continues to be one of our biggest worldwide artists and we remain 1,000 percent committed to her career."

Britney's core audience was 9 year old girls.  And for two years she's done nothing but smoke and drink and become visually offensive.  She might as well go to Disneyland and rip off Mickey's head too.  And then slaughter a unicorn and dance in it's blood.  Theres no way that could turn out any worse than the stuff she's done already.

SERIOUSLY …WTF IS THIS

By brendon January 04, 2007 @ 4:20 PM

Honest to god, if I saw this walking toward me in the night, it would have about three seconds to convince me it was alive before I tried to chop its head off.  If you saw this in the woods, you would throw a net over it.  Then poke it with a stick and jump back startled when it spoke.  Then you'd probably ask it for wishes.  Never in a million years would it occur to you that it was human.  People who live at the bottom of the ocean aren't this pale.



BRITNEY SPEARS MIGHT GET FIRED

By brendon January 04, 2007 @ 11:28 AM

Cindy Adams said yesterday that Jive Records is wondering if they should drop Britney Spears from their label before she completes the record she is currently in the middle of recording.  They reportedly hate the five tracks she has already delivered and feel that her endlessly embarrassing personal life is alienating her fans.  Cindy says:

While in New York she was in the studio recording for Jive Records. She worked some nights until 4 a.m. laying down tracks for a new CD. She thinks it's the makings of a really great album. They don't.  Talk inside the company is that either it's redone, or they need to drop it – and her.

Jive fears she's alienating her fan base. Their fan base. Jive caters to a young music-buyer, and the continued atmosphere – drinking, bingeing, partying, whatevering, photos with no panties for a mother of two infants – is hitting sour notes. Besides, Jive is not in sync with the five tracks Brit delivered … The recording has stopped midway. Nothing more has been done because the company doesn't yet know what it wants to do.

Britney's music has always sucked but her anus was every 16-year-old boys secret adventure so Jive put up with her.  Now she's a tubby mom who got ruined by a wigger jackass, and that’s not exactly what nerds in the tenth grade picture when they plan a romantic weekend with their hand.  I would go in the studio and help, but they all have that smoky glass, and I'm afraid I might catch my reflection and fall in love.  Because I'm so handsome.



BRITNEY IS GOING TO REHAB. MAYBE.

By brendon January 03, 2007 @ 10:36 AM

Life and Style says that Britney Spears checked into Sanctuary, a spa in Arizona on New Years Day, just hours after drinking so much on New Years Eve that she passed out.  Based on stuff they made up, this may be the first stop on the way to a full stint in an alchol rehab.  MSNBC says:

(Britney) reportedly checked into an exclusive spa “for some R&R” — and some are wondering if the a third “R” — rehab — is in store … “With these celebrities, ‘exhaustion’ sometimes means something else and a little rest at a spa sometimes actually translates into something a little more serious,” says a source.  Spears’ rep couldn’t be reached for comment, but L&S reports that the singer’s parents are urging their daughter to go into therapy.  “It’s just been heartbreaking for her parents to watch Britney on this downward spiral,” an “insider” told the mag. “It’s so sad.”

Keep in mind that Life and Style will say just about anything.  Like one time they claimed I haven't kissed a girl in two years.  Whatever.  Since when is 23 months considered "two years".  See what I mean.  They just lie to hurt my feelings.



BRITNEY SPEARS PASSED OUT

By brendon January 02, 2007 @ 9:57 AM

Britney Spears collapsed at PURE Nightclub in Las Vegas late on New Years Eve after drinking pineapple rum cocktails with champagne.  This is the second time in two weeks that Spears has been carried out of a nightclub.  She also needed help getting to her car after leaving Les Deux in Hollywood about 2 a.m. on Dec. 22.   Spears was hosting the New Years party for PURE when she blacked out around 1 a.m.  Her reps confirm that she was drinking but claim Britney was simply exhausted because of “a hard days work” and did not faint.  They admit she needed help getting back to her room but say it was only because she was so tired.  The Post says:

Spears was talking with one of her male dancers on a tented cabana bed when she said she wanted to leave, stood up and "she went into a dead faint and just fell right to the floor," a source said.  The source said the group pulled her onto the bed and called security to "get her out as quickly as possible."

Someone needs to go back to representative school because claiming Britney blacked out in a bar because she was working too hard is kind of insulting.  He might as well have said she was ascending into heaven or that she collapsed because her spirit was appearing to some kids who were drowning, telling them to “hold on, you can do it!”



BRITNEY IS A GROWNUP

By brendon December 20, 2006 @ 10:40 AM

In Touch Magazine says that Britney Spears called her ex Kevin Federline to taunt him after paparazzi pictures in the tabloids showed her kissing music producer JR Rotem.  Various reports say the two stayed out until 3:30 AM and then they went back to his apartment.  Kevin doesn't need an introduction to JR because JR produced two tracks ("Americas Most Hated" and "Lose Control") on Federlines failed debut album.  TMZ says:

Spears called the Fed-Ex to ask him if he'd seen pictures of her kissing music producer J.R. Rotem and then bragged about a sexual escapade she'd just had. What's more, Britney, according to In Touch's sources, has been taunting Federline about his newly-reduced financial status. "It was really bad," says an eyewitness. "[Brit] just started pushing his buttons … he started screaming at her."

This actually seems kinda mean, but Kevin Federline is a jackass, so I don't really care.  In fact if I don't see pictures of him in a tug-of-war with a raccoon over a drumstick by the end of the month I'm gonna be pretty disappointed.