THE FIRST PICTURE OF JAYDEN JAMES SPEARS

By brendon February 16, 2007 @ 10:40 AM

BreatheHeavy and OK! Magazine have the very first clear picture taken of Britney Spears elusive second son, Jayden James, taken earlier this week while the baby was on his way to visit a pediatrician in New York City.   For whatever reason, Britney has never released any pictures of Jayden and rarely takes him in public as she often does with her first son, Sean.  Here, Jayden is seen dressed in pink, which Britney often does to fool photographers.  Presumably because someone told her that photographers cant see the color pink.  She may also believe their vision is based on movement.  Which may explain why Britney often goes outside her house with a pink blanket draped over her head, walking among the photographers thinking she’s a disembodied voice, saying, "OOOooooo, oooooooo!!! You stop chasin Britney Spears now, you leave her alone or I will smite you like a piggy on a BBQ … a piggy with a dry rub and a mild sauce. And maybe some corn on the cob on those little sticks with some melted butter, but not butter poured on the corn but like in a little bowl that you can dip it into as you eat it.  Oh man, that sounds so good right now.  And maybe some cake, like some chalklate cake with chalklate icin.  I wonder if we still have some of that.  If not I’ll go to tha store I guess and buy one.  Although I think you might hafta order it, I cant remember.  I think you do.  I may have to order it and then get like a different cake until the other one is ready.  Um, okay so, yeah, I guess that was all for now.  Stop chasin Britney or Ima eat you up.  Booga booga booga!!!"



BRITNEY NEEDS A NEW ASSISTANT

By brendon February 15, 2007 @ 11:28 AM

Felicia Culotta worked for Britney Spears for more than nine years as a personal assistant but has finally quit because she can not deal with Britneys self-destructive lifestyle anymore.  Felicia said in an email:

"I cherish ALL the incredible opportunities that came my way thru my job with Britney and am crushed/saddened/heart sick by the way her life is unfolding.  There’s just so much you can do to help a person — I don’t dare want to be an enabler, and I cannot love her enough for the both of us. I cannot convince her in ANY way to love herself … I’m so Southern, and the BEST way for me to tell you how I feel is to say—You can just kick an old Dog so many times before he gets off the porch.  I, FELICIA, am OFF the porch!!"

God at this rate Britney wont have any friends left.  Her new assistant will be Johnny Walker Blue.  She'll walk around all day with a bottle in one hand and a stuffed tiger in the other, doing a little cutesy tiger voice that says, "you sure do look pretty today Britney" and "maybe a cigarette would help you relax" and "lets not go home now, it's only 3, and you're such a good dancer!"  And Britney will say, "you're right talking doggy, I really am a good dancer" and "what's that magic bottle … you want me to drink you?  Well … okay…"



BRITNEY IS TOO TRASHY

By brendon February 14, 2007 @ 10:56 AM

Britney Spears has been pawned once again because she's such a white trash train-wreck, no one with any dignity wants anything to do with her.   This time she got denied by heiress-model Lydia Hearst, who designed 100 PUMA bags to give away at the Heatherette fashion show.  Britney asked for one of the bags but was turned down, presumably because Hearst doesn't feel she is a good role model.  Hearst said:

"I'm only giving the bag to accomplished young women who are doing something positive to affect the world around them. They are women I look up to and respect, like Gwyneth Paltrow and Sarah Jessica Parker and Anne Hathaway.   They share the same high standards of giving back to the communities in which they live."

Lydia Hearst, in case you don’t know, is a Ford Model (pictured below) and the first cousin of Amanda Hearst, (this hottie, also a Ford model) who is the great-granddaughter of William Randolph Hearst.  Amanda is the heir to a 5 billion dollar fortune.  She’s 23 and single.  And yet in the fashion world, Lydia still has to prance the catwalk in see thru bras.  And that's pretty much why I got out of modeling.  They just saw me as a piece of meat, a sexual creature to objectify.  All the while I'm trying to tell them that I have a personality, that I have a voice and a gentle heart, but all they want to do is put me in something slinky and watch me walk across the room. Damn these chiseled good looks and sexy muscles!



BRITNEY SPEARS IS A GOOD DRESSER

By brendon February 13, 2007 @ 10:16 AM

Despite throwing up in a bar bathroom the night before, Britney headed out Sunday for another night in the clubs, and this time ended up on the dance floor wearing nothing but a bikini and a white busboy coat.  Page Six says:

"She didn't like what she was wearing," said our spy, "so she asked one of the dancers to trade clothes with her." Spears changed out of her tight red dress and returned wearing the bikini under the coat – and proceeded to dance.

Damn.  Is this what the young people are doing in the clubs these days?  Stripping down and changing into one another’s bikinis?  I wouldn't know because I don’t dance anymore, ever since the incident.  I knew my sexy moves on the dance floor got the ladies worked up, but then, one night, a girl literally died watching me do the Chicken Noodle Soup.



BRITNEY SPEARS IS STYLISH

By brendon February 08, 2007 @ 10:23 AM

For her sake, I hope Britney Spears is out shopping.  She should try Macys.  Maybe they have a redder hat there. 

BRITNEY SPEARS IS SINGLE

By brendon February 07, 2007 @ 11:45 AM

Oh, I know, I couldn't believe it either, but Isaac Cohen broke up with Britney Spears on the phone Sunday night while she was in New York and he was in Los Angeles.  Cohens agent confirmed to OK! magazine that the two were no longer an item.  They began dating in mid-December, including a weekend in the $40,000-a-night suite at the Palms Casino Resort in Las Vegas.  A source says:

“(he was) looking to get out of the relationship for a while.  It was a bit much for him.  There was a lot of drama – it was too much of a whirlwind. It wasn’t one thing in particular.  Her likes her. They had a good time together. He was doing his best to help her out – but there is only so much one person can do.”

God how embarrassing.  Three years ago Britney was the hottest piece of ass on the planet and her forehead was every 16-year-old boys secret bulls-eye.  Now she's getting dumped by d-list models and posers.   Luckily she has friends to turn to in this time of need.   Friends that love and understand her.   Chocolate friends.