KFED WANTS 50 MILLION DOLLARS

By brendon January 11, 2007 @ 3:11 PM

Kevin Federline has turned down a 10 million dollar divorce settlement and is holding out for a 50 million dollar payday, according to Life and Style.   Just two months ago, the Sun UK reported that he was asking for 30 million dollars.  Life and Style says:

The only way Britney Spears can guarantee she’ll keep custody of her sons, Sean Preston, 16 months, and Jayden James, 4 months, is to give in to Kevin Federline’s settlement demands.   Brit’s estranged hubby turned down a $10 million offer in December and is now asking for an astonishing $50 million — about one third of Brit’s net worth — to give up full custody of the kids.  “She’s been crying practically nonstop,” says a friend of Brit’s.

My sources tell me that she’s been crying non stop because the waiter explained that if he drizzled hot butter over the chocolate, it would just melt the chocolate and then it would be a mess.  And then she said, "buh I wanit! I wanna butter da chalklate!"  Finally the waiter dipped a pork chop in chocolate and Britney was happy, and she rubbed her hands together in anticipation.  "I’m gonna eat you up chalklate piggy!”" 



BRITNEY WAS DRUNK

By brendon January 09, 2007 @ 10:58 AM

Despite the claims made by her representatives, the real reason Britney Spears passed out at the New Years Eve party she was hosting for the nightclub Pure at Caesars Palace was because she was drunk even before the party began.  TMZ says:

We have sources who saw the drink-by-drink as Brit put away "lots of sake" before she made it to Las Vegas' PURE nightclub for a reported $400,000 party-hosting gig.

Another contributing factor in her early depature may be that everyone at the party hated her, and weren't shy about letting her know:

Reports this morning suggested that Brit's woozy exit from Pure may have been precipitated by distinctly unflattering heckling from the crowd … her exit may have been caused, in part, by the catcalls of other PURE patrons…

Oh dear god those poor kids.  In the upcoming custody battle, their choices are this or Kevin Federline.  They'd have a better chance being raised by wolves.  Britney probably has the edge because she has all the money and might at least recognize the fat one.  Kevin would show up in court and have no idea which kids he was fighting for.  You could take Kevin and hold up three pictures: one would be a picture of him holding Jayden who is wearing a shirt that says Jayden, one would be a map of Canada, one would just say "4 + 4 = 8". 

Lawyer – "Now Kevin which one of these pictures shows your son Jayden?"
Kevin – "(long pause) … (long pause)  Is it Canada?"
Lawyer – "No."
Kevin – "(long pause) … Is it 4?"
Lawyer – "No."
Kevin – "I mean 8."
Lawyer – "No."
Kevin – "(long pause) … (long pause) Is it Canada?"



BRITNEY WONT GET PAID

By brendon January 08, 2007 @ 12:05 PM

Pure Nightclub in Las Vegas may not pay Britney Spears the $400,000 promised to her as the host of their New Years Eve party because she got drunk, passed out and left before fulfilling her obligation.  The New York Daily News says:

"Britney failed to spend the agreed amount of time in the club, because she had to be helped out after collapsing," alleges a close source … the club is "furious" with her because of her PR spin that she merely fell asleep — implying the place is boring … an insider familiar with the club says: "The moment a celebrity gets into one of those deals they are on the clock. They are watched to the minute, and they are not allowed to leave early. It's a contractual obligation."

A lot of people think that just showing up is good enough, and that the contract is really just more of a outline.  At least that's what the sex slave in the trunk of my car tired to claim.

BRITNEY HAS NEW MUSIC

By brendon January 08, 2007 @ 9:08 AM

Wanna hear a super secret song from Britney's next album? Oh. Well you're going to anyway. Because in this clip, Britney sits in her convertible in Santa Monica and  blasts a new track to try to drown out the paparazzi and their condescending questions. I wonder how they found her? Oh, wait, it might be because Britney Spears was driving around Santa Monica in a convertible. She might as well get naked and ride a white tiger down Rodeo while shooting a flare gun. Before racing off, Britney plays a few seconds of a second new track that you can hear more of here. Then she ends up at the hotel Shutters on the Beach. Didn't this bitch used to have kids? Honest to god, I wouldn't let this idiot baby-sit my cactus while I went to the movies. I'd come back an hour later and see her crawling along the roof of my house while my cactus sat teetering on the edge, for some reason covered in white feathers and graffiti. 

ALL BRITNEY, ALL THE TIME

By brendon January 05, 2007 @ 1:02 PM

The Post says that Britney was caught muttering to herself as the above pictures were being taken, mumbling "I love myself, I love myself" over and over again.  Then, someone who I have to assume was being sarcastic, shouted “You look beautiful," to which Britney responded, "I love you for saying that!".  And she really really means it too.  As you can tell by her official website, which has been updated with a self absorbed rambling mess where – in just two paragraphs – she says "I", "me" or "my" 42 times.   And rumors persist that her record label is about to drop her, even though – or maybe because – she is halfway through making a new record.  Sources tell Page Six that Jive Records is "going to drop her any day now."  They say:

insiders believe the album will never hit shelves. "Like the rest of us," said the source, "Jive is done with Britney Spears." A rep for Jive denied all, saying, "Jive's relationship with Britney is fine. She continues to be one of our biggest worldwide artists and we remain 1,000 percent committed to her career."

Britney's core audience was 9 year old girls.  And for two years she's done nothing but smoke and drink and become visually offensive.  She might as well go to Disneyland and rip off Mickey's head too.  And then slaughter a unicorn and dance in it's blood.  Theres no way that could turn out any worse than the stuff she's done already.

SERIOUSLY …WTF IS THIS

By brendon January 04, 2007 @ 4:20 PM

Honest to god, if I saw this walking toward me in the night, it would have about three seconds to convince me it was alive before I tried to chop its head off.  If you saw this in the woods, you would throw a net over it.  Then poke it with a stick and jump back startled when it spoke.  Then you'd probably ask it for wishes.  Never in a million years would it occur to you that it was human.  People who live at the bottom of the ocean aren't this pale.