“HELP ME”

By brendon February 19, 2007 @ 8:58 AM

The Sun UK reports that Britney Spears bizarre recent breakdown capped off this weekend when she shaved her head has been fueled by her belief that she will lose her kids in a divorce settlement to Kevin Federline.  Lawyers for KFed have tried to portray Britney as an unfit mother who cares more about partying than raising her kids.  This hasn't been hard for the lawyers to do.  Britney stayed less than 12 hours in a rehab last week before returning to California last Friday, where she briefly visited her sons in Malibu before taking off for the night with some friends.  She was seen sobbing in her limo for ten minutes before she entered Esther’s Haircutting Studio in Tarzana at 6.15pm.  After hairdressers refused to shave her head, Britney — whose tearstains were visible on her hooded top — grabbed the clippers and did it herself.  When she left, she drove aimlessly around LA for 40 minutes.  About 8pm, her car pulled up to the Body and Soul Tattoo parlor.  With shaved hair all over her top, she got two new tats: a set of pink lips on her wrist and a black and a white and pink cross on her lower hip.  At about 2am, she was seen at the Cedars Sinai Medical Center in Beverly Hills wearing a dark wig.  Sources said she spoke with staff before entering a private room.   She was seen with a friend and seemed "disturbed".  The Drudge Report says she was seen begging staff, "help me".  But she left after just over an hour and was seen heading home. She has not been seen since.  One source who watched her get her tat said:

"We just saw a huge celebrity on the verge of a nervous breakdown … She seemed really distraught and disturbed. She was very scatterbrained."

Umm … yeah.  Is it just me or is it kind of hard to cheer for Britney Spears.  She's a millionaire celebrity with every possible advantage and all of her problems are 100 percent her own doing.  She's young, rich, white and beautiful.  Gee, if only she could get a break in life.  Cheering for Britney is like cheering for slave owners to sell more cotton or Godzilla to catch a rabbit.    You might as well be sad that the Nazis lost.  “Yeah, that uppity god-dammed Poland really had been asking for it."

BRITNEY SPEARS IS DOING GREAT

By brendon February 17, 2007 @ 9:32 PM

Britney Spears spent last Wednesday at a rehab facility on the Caribbean island of Antigua, then left after one day, so desperate to leave she sat in the last row of the coach section on a last minute flight from Miami to Los Angeles.  One of the first things she did upon her return home was head for a Tarzana hair salon and ask that a stylist cut off all her hair.  The stylist refused, so Spears grabbed the clippers and did it herself.  Later that night she got a tattoo of lip prints on her right wrist.  KABC in Los Angeles says:

"She looks like she's having an issue right now," Derrik Snell told the station.  Emily Wynne Hughes, who works at the tattoo parlor, said Spears appeared "distraught and disturbed … She was very scatterbrained," she said.  Hughes said that when someone asked the singer and mother of two why her head was shaved, Spears replied: "I don't want anyone touching me. I'm tired of everybody touching me."  Hughes said Spears was a difficult subject for the tattoo artist to work with.  "She was screaming and flipping out from the pain and wiggling her body all around," Hughes said.

Is it just me or does she actually look kinda hot like this.  She reminds me of those hot young things in those commercials with the phone number at the bottom.  Its called the St Judes Miracle Network and the commercial has a bunch of hot young chicks playing jumprope and eating ice cream and laying around in bed.  But I think it’s a scam, because every time I call, the little minx who answers never wants to talk dirty.  Oh sure, she wants money, but playa don’t roll like that.  Its C.O.D bitch!

THE FIRST PICTURE OF JAYDEN JAMES SPEARS

By brendon February 16, 2007 @ 10:40 AM

BreatheHeavy and OK! Magazine have the very first clear picture taken of Britney Spears elusive second son, Jayden James, taken earlier this week while the baby was on his way to visit a pediatrician in New York City.   For whatever reason, Britney has never released any pictures of Jayden and rarely takes him in public as she often does with her first son, Sean.  Here, Jayden is seen dressed in pink, which Britney often does to fool photographers.  Presumably because someone told her that photographers cant see the color pink.  She may also believe their vision is based on movement.  Which may explain why Britney often goes outside her house with a pink blanket draped over her head, walking among the photographers thinking she’s a disembodied voice, saying, "OOOooooo, oooooooo!!! You stop chasin Britney Spears now, you leave her alone or I will smite you like a piggy on a BBQ … a piggy with a dry rub and a mild sauce. And maybe some corn on the cob on those little sticks with some melted butter, but not butter poured on the corn but like in a little bowl that you can dip it into as you eat it.  Oh man, that sounds so good right now.  And maybe some cake, like some chalklate cake with chalklate icin.  I wonder if we still have some of that.  If not I’ll go to tha store I guess and buy one.  Although I think you might hafta order it, I cant remember.  I think you do.  I may have to order it and then get like a different cake until the other one is ready.  Um, okay so, yeah, I guess that was all for now.  Stop chasin Britney or Ima eat you up.  Booga booga booga!!!"



BRITNEY NEEDS A NEW ASSISTANT

By brendon February 15, 2007 @ 11:28 AM

Felicia Culotta worked for Britney Spears for more than nine years as a personal assistant but has finally quit because she can not deal with Britneys self-destructive lifestyle anymore.  Felicia said in an email:

"I cherish ALL the incredible opportunities that came my way thru my job with Britney and am crushed/saddened/heart sick by the way her life is unfolding.  There’s just so much you can do to help a person — I don’t dare want to be an enabler, and I cannot love her enough for the both of us. I cannot convince her in ANY way to love herself … I’m so Southern, and the BEST way for me to tell you how I feel is to say—You can just kick an old Dog so many times before he gets off the porch.  I, FELICIA, am OFF the porch!!"

God at this rate Britney wont have any friends left.  Her new assistant will be Johnny Walker Blue.  She'll walk around all day with a bottle in one hand and a stuffed tiger in the other, doing a little cutesy tiger voice that says, "you sure do look pretty today Britney" and "maybe a cigarette would help you relax" and "lets not go home now, it's only 3, and you're such a good dancer!"  And Britney will say, "you're right talking doggy, I really am a good dancer" and "what's that magic bottle … you want me to drink you?  Well … okay…"



BRITNEY IS TOO TRASHY

By brendon February 14, 2007 @ 10:56 AM

Britney Spears has been pawned once again because she's such a white trash train-wreck, no one with any dignity wants anything to do with her.   This time she got denied by heiress-model Lydia Hearst, who designed 100 PUMA bags to give away at the Heatherette fashion show.  Britney asked for one of the bags but was turned down, presumably because Hearst doesn't feel she is a good role model.  Hearst said:

"I'm only giving the bag to accomplished young women who are doing something positive to affect the world around them. They are women I look up to and respect, like Gwyneth Paltrow and Sarah Jessica Parker and Anne Hathaway.   They share the same high standards of giving back to the communities in which they live."

Lydia Hearst, in case you don’t know, is a Ford Model (pictured below) and the first cousin of Amanda Hearst, (this hottie, also a Ford model) who is the great-granddaughter of William Randolph Hearst.  Amanda is the heir to a 5 billion dollar fortune.  She’s 23 and single.  And yet in the fashion world, Lydia still has to prance the catwalk in see thru bras.  And that's pretty much why I got out of modeling.  They just saw me as a piece of meat, a sexual creature to objectify.  All the while I'm trying to tell them that I have a personality, that I have a voice and a gentle heart, but all they want to do is put me in something slinky and watch me walk across the room. Damn these chiseled good looks and sexy muscles!



BRITNEY SPEARS IS A GOOD DRESSER

By brendon February 13, 2007 @ 10:16 AM

Despite throwing up in a bar bathroom the night before, Britney headed out Sunday for another night in the clubs, and this time ended up on the dance floor wearing nothing but a bikini and a white busboy coat.  Page Six says:

"She didn't like what she was wearing," said our spy, "so she asked one of the dancers to trade clothes with her." Spears changed out of her tight red dress and returned wearing the bikini under the coat – and proceeded to dance.

Damn.  Is this what the young people are doing in the clubs these days?  Stripping down and changing into one another’s bikinis?  I wouldn't know because I don’t dance anymore, ever since the incident.  I knew my sexy moves on the dance floor got the ladies worked up, but then, one night, a girl literally died watching me do the Chicken Noodle Soup.