Brittny Gastineau Still Going With the Battered Look

By Lex August 04, 2014 @ 12:05 PM

Brittny-Gastinaue-Bruised-on-the-Beach
I guess Brittny Gastineau kind of got into the bruised look her graffiti artist boyfriend gave her a couple months ago after they got loaded and argued over who was more useless to society. Depending upon which unfounded tabloid you believe, he paid her some restitution in the form of about fifty bucks from his change jar and five cans of bronze Krylon she used to save herself on body tanner. They also maybe got back together. She claims not, but the bruises claim otherwise. The relationship between abuser and victim is often fraught with complex attachments and misplaced loyalties. It’s very similar psychologically to the relationship bonds between losers who list Friend of Kim Kardashian in their resume where education typically goes. When you name your kid Brittny, you are so asking for this shit. Girls named Evelyn never end up looking like battered whores staggering around on Miami Beach. That’s a gross generalization. But this is a gross situation.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Brittny Gastineau Got Beat Up By This Tagger

By Lex June 12, 2014 @ 8:39 AM

Retna-Graffiti-Artist

Here’s the conundrum in dating an artist. Either they’re truly talented, in which case they’re going to be a self-involved, impossible, mood swinging, drinking, pain in the ass. Or they’re a hack, in which case they’re going to be a self-involved, impossible, mood swinging, drinking, pain in the ass who’s also broke. Brittny Gastineau is dating Marquis Lewis, but the jet set who pay him to express himself in hieroglyphic street murals know him as Retna. Of course they do. Score for Brittny who one-upped Kim Kardashian by taking a left at rapper and a sharp right at pro athlete and found a tagger to make her feel connected to the urban landscape in which she occasionally models. I guess a profound art conversation in the London Hotel in West Hollywood got out of hand because that’s when Retna punched Brittny in the eyeball so bad she had to go to the hospital. Just horrible. I’m not even going to consider the irony of his fake name being Retna.

Lewis’ attorney Michael Goldstein is claiming that the fight was mutual and it was the brunette beauty who was the aggressor as he had just gotten out of knee surgery and was on crutches. — Daily Mail

Yeah, my man, I don’t know how the justice system works among the constructed text hieroglyphic street artists, but in L.A. courtrooms, “mutual fight” isn’t a valid defense for cracking a woman across the face. Not since like 1980. I do like the crutches bit. Nothing paints a sympathetic portrait like a graffiti artist getting arthroscopic surgery for his old overpass climbing injuries. You are so incredibly fucked. Not only are you going to Chris Brown prison, you’re going to be a running subplot on domestic violence on Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Welcome to the E!th Circle of Hell.

Brittny Gastineau Got Punched in the Face

By Lex June 11, 2014 @ 2:55 PM

Brittny Gastineau Has A Black Eye Out In West Hollywood
Even if just for fun you made a list of female celebrities who deserved a punch in the grill, you’d have to tear up that list, shred it, then tear up the shreds, because there’s nothing funny about a woman getting punched. Lindsay Lohan got punched by a cocktail waitress in the face. Not funny. Rihanna got punched by Chris Brown. So not funny. Now Brittny Gastineau, an NFL daughter sort of model sort of former reality star best known for being a Kardashian best friend got knocked around something fierce¬†in a West Hollywood hotel by a yet to be disclosed male acquaintance. She looked like those Charlie Sheen porn star girlfriends they used to find barricaded in upscale hotel room bathrooms. Brittny carefully hid her hockey shiner by dining at Mr. Chow’s where paparazzi gather like moths to the flame most weekday evenings. Not that any woman or man should feel the need to go into hiding or wear some sunglasses or a touch of makeup after getting a chunky knuckle print on their face. Especially not when you’re looking for a chute and ladder back onto the E! name recognition list. See how I just George Will’ed that and suggested Brittny might benefit from this beat down.¬†Please don’t crazy glue my pecker to my nut sack.

Our sources say Brittny has hired a lawyer who will either force a settlement or sue the alleged perpetrator (TMZ)

Okay, there’s that too. But, to reiterate, there’s nothing but disdain to be felt for any man who ever puts his hands in anger upon a woman. It’s the height of cowardice. I say that heartfelt as a man and a feminist. Maybe we can get a coffee sometime and talk about it.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

I Can See Brittny Gastineau’s Boobs

By Lex September 12, 2013 @ 4:50 PM

Brittny Gastineau Goes Braless In A See Through Shirt At The Chateau Marmont In West Hollywood
I couldn’t tell you really who Brittny Gastineau is. I know she got fucked in the spelling of her first name, and I think she’s Eskimo sisters with Paris Hilton and other rich girl Hollywood types who partied hard during the whatever we called the decade of the 2000′s. She’s apparently not well off enough to afford a bra, or she’s making a fashion statement. I try not to assume, or, for Brittny, assme.

Photo Credit: PCN

Brittny Gastineau In A Bikini Top

By Lex September 03, 2013 @ 11:22 AM

Brittny Gastineau In A Bikini Top At The Beach In Miami

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, WENN