Charlie Sheen Allowed Around Children

By Matt December 10, 2014 @ 7:40 AM


Charlie Sheen and his ex procreation and crack smoking partner Brooke Mueller have agreed on a custody arrangement of their troubled twin sons. Sheen will be allowed monitored visits as he flop sweats through two hours of sobriety while a social worker plays frisbee with the little Damien children. The arrangement follows information that Sheen was wasted while the kids visited in the past. No word on whether or not he was more fun.

Mueller has been in and out of rehab, and stashed the kids with Sheen’s ex ex wife Denise Richards after she almost OD’d a few years ago which must have been awkard. Mueller is also being sued by her former assistant for sucking a ton of dick in front of him. Clearly these two kids are kindred spirits. If double ended crack pipes existed, they probably could’ve kept their romance alive. The kids will have to balance their future parental divorce from Sheen with his ability to introduce them to cracked out porn stars once they turn sixteen. Poor black kids have to grow up knowing cops might take them out one day. Rich white kids have to grow up knowing their dad is Charlie Sheen. Things are tough all over.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Brooke Mueller Is Fucked Up And Shit Around The Web

By Michael August 21, 2014 @ 12:10 PM

150341335 For all her New Age bullshit, it seems that Brooke Mueller is just fucking crazy. Her former assistant is suing her for making him a drug mule, forcing him to have sex while she watched, and basically treating him like a slave. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, never trust a hippie.

Read about why it sucks to work for Brooke. (Dlisted)

Karina Smirnova looking hot in a pink bikini in Miami. (Popoholic)

Nicola Peltz in a skimpy bikini on a boat is what makes life worth living. (Drunken Stepfather)

Hayden Panettiere is still hot on her 25th birthday. (COED)

Justin Bieber shaves off his white trash ‘stache and the world rejoiced. (Huffington Post)

Rihanna fingers herself to protest school being hard and stuff. (The Superficial)

“Yay, The Devil’s Advocate is becoming a TV show”, said no one. (Moviepilot)

Brooke Mueller’s Sobriety Necklace Is Shiny

By Lex December 12, 2013 @ 2:03 PM

Brooke Mueller Wears A Sobriety Necklace In West Hollywood
Brooke Mueller wore her sobriety necklace outside of her clothes in Hollywood to let the world know she’s off the pipe. It’s the vaunted 30 minute badge, or the 1800 second badge as Brooke is breathless and sweaty to point out. The past half hour hasn’t been easy for Brooke, considering Charlie Sheen is kicking her out of her mansion, she’s lost custody of her Beelzebub twins, and being one degree from her drug connect on LinkedIn hasn’t helped her job search. If Brooke can just clear the one hour hurdle, her recidivism odds will drop to just 99.6%.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Brooke Mueller Takes Bob And Max Into the Woods for Training

By Lex November 18, 2013 @ 5:53 PM

Brooke Mueller Takes Bob And Max Sheen On A Hike With Her Bodyguards In Beverly Hills
At some point the Sheen Twins are going to need to know how to bury bodies in shallow graves that won’t wash out with the first rains, how to create deadly poisons from ingredients found in nature that can’t be traced by CSI investigators, and, animist spells to turn themselves into woodland mammals to avoid detection from manhunts. Brooke Mueller doesn’t know how to do any of this shit, but she’s taken enough drugs in her life to believe she does. So she took her little Kray Twins out into the Beverly Hills boondocks over the weekend to begin their training. Brooke was able to laugh off Charlie Sheen’s latest nasty Tweets because they won’t seem quite as funny when her boys are running homemade spears through Charlie’s spleen because the rescue shepherd told them to.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Brooke Mueller’s Brother Now Has the Twin Social Science Experiments

By Lex November 12, 2013 @ 2:06 PM

Brooke Mueller Picks Up Her Twins Boys From School In Los Angeles
Brooke Mueller’s brother was awarded custody of Brooke’s future serial murdering twins after Charlie Sheen’s ex-wife Denise Richards claimed Max and Bob were too freaky and violent to care for in her home. Brooke Mueller and Charlie Sheen are currently battling to see whose pathological drug addictions can develop a more powerful schizophrenic break in their pre-school aged kids. Charlie already chased Mueller around the Christmas tree with a kitchen knife so he would seem to have the upper hand. Also, he’s much more direct in his Tweets to Mueller:

oh, by the way, nice try this morning Brooke. you are a chubby weirdo who will lose at every turn trying to get between me and my boys.

happy Bday Brooke when you’re done sucking off the parking lot at Home Depot why don’t ya ‘blow’ out this candle. c,

Still, Mueller has been to rehab nineteen times and owns a solid cocaine drug conviction of her own. She’s also the biological mother so the court will give her a longer leash to fuck up her kids in a deep, John Wayne Gacy kind of way. The twins likely won’t start torturing animals in earnest for another three to four years and it’ll probably be a decade before they begin to ritualistically eviscerate prostitutes and the homeless. Much time for both Charlie and Brooke to fortify their respective cases.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Denise Richards Can No Longer Handle The Violent Sheen Twins

By Lex November 06, 2013 @ 4:04 PM

Brooke Mueller And Sons At The 18th Dream Halloween Benefit In Los Angeles
If only crack and meth pipes came with fancy warning labels like family friendly tobacco, maybe the Sheen twins wouldn’t be four-year old future Natural Born Killers. Charlie Sheen’s ex-wife Denise Richards took custody of winning Charlie’s twin boys by way of convicted drug fiend Brooke Mueller earlier this year when both bio parents were deemed unfit by the County. Now Denise Richards is surrendering custody of the preschool aged twins because of claims of their already violent and anti-social behavior. Some of the shit Denise claims in her letter to Children and Family Services Department is straight out of the Damien playbook.

Bob and Max Sheen often go into a “zombie-like state,” and often kick and squeeze her pets violently for fun. The four-year-olds have reportedly said they “wanted to hurt and kill” the dogs.

[Denise] Richards’ daughters have been “kicked in the head and stomach, in addition to suffering scratches, bites, punches and spitting from the twins.

Bob Sheen in particular has “slapped a teacher in the face.”

I don’t know, they just sound like two playful little scamps. We’ve so neutered boyhood in this society, that some Puckish twins can’t punch their half sisters in the head any longer without a government official stepping in. Maybe the boys just need a change of venue. Perhaps something more rural like an honor ranch or the Hall of Doom in Slaughter Swamp.

Photo Credit: WENN