By Matt May 19, 2015 @ 8:03 AM
Bruce Jenner went on Keeping Up With The Kardashians to announce he has made an appointment to fully transition into being a woman. This is a watershed moment for the rights of former Olympic gold medalists to live as the gender they super really want to. Think about James Meredith applying to be the first ever African-American student at the University of Mississippi. Now imagine instead he had wanted to get a pedicure and had orchestrated his plans with a bunch of educationally challenged bobble heads with fake tits.
Jenner plans to tweak his face a bit more then circle back to The Big Snip. The Kardashian sisters seemed surprised by his plans even though the show is entirely scripted. Kendall and the big one cried although it was hard to tell if they were tears of joy or if they were thinking about Tupac and how they never got a chance to suck his dick and how his hologram might taste. Bruce will be appearing on an upcoming E! reality show of his own detailing his surgeries and journey into womanhood. It’d be beautiful if it weren’t so viscerally disturbing and cynically plotted for cash and attention. Even shit once tasted good.
Photo Credit: E!Entertainment/Youtube
By Lex May 07, 2015 @ 11:16 AM
According to RadarOnline who learns things rather than getting them on the record, Bruce Jenner is being paid $5 million guaranteed plus upside from E! television for the first season of Jenner’s show about entering womanhood. Like many heroes, Jenner wants to get richer for his good deeds. Remember when Captain America came ’round asking for a portion of syndication fees for battling Hydra? Well he would have if the job required he grow tits. Jenner has conspicuously cut Kris Jenner out of the new E! deal, denying her her ten percent managerial fee and her five percent I will fuck you up with my cunt laser protection fee. Watch your flank, Bruce. Rich bitches get stitches.
Photo Credit: ABC News
By Lex May 06, 2015 @ 10:56 AM
If you’re wondering why Vagina Dad’s girl children were not available to appear on the Diane Sawyer interview, it’s because they were holding back on an E! two night special of their own documenting their own reactions to Jenner’s gender bending announcement. There are emotions and then there are emotions you can turn into dollars on a cable net that has you and Sex and the City reruns to its name.
NBC Universal which claims about 90% of shitty content on the air at any given time, worked the upcoming E! Special into a top line promo campaign on Good Morning America showing clips of Jenner and Kardashian girls effusively expressing their love for Bruce. Also, Kim talking about how feminine Bruce’s polished toenails are. I think, I vomited half way through. In one touching scene, Kris Jenner forces water out of one of her fabricated eye slits pretending she just found out her husband of twenty years was a tranny. I might feel just a little bad when Rob the Redeemer locks all the doors and torches the family home. Please let the pets out first.
By Lex May 04, 2015 @ 12:43 PM
A couple people who realized the old lady Bruce Jenner rear ended to death was their dad’s wife are suing Bruce Jenner for wrongful death and the pain of having to pretend they loved their stepmom. Being rich and famous may get you out of criminal charges, but it opens you up for civil suits that you have to settle. You don’t want to be in the witness chair nervously pawing your new vagina answering questions what medications you might’ve been on, including Aunt Helen’s magical girl making elixir. Then they can ask you if you ever put your man dick inside Kris Jenner and shudder and say ‘Ew!’. You can wear your Olympic gold medal over your designer pantsuit, it won’t help when the stepkids are drumming up tears. Write the check for six figures. It’s the price you pay for driving like a woman.
Photo credit: FameFlynet
By Lex April 28, 2015 @ 8:41 AM
Achieving divinity status in modern media is pretty fucking easy. Confess a socially suitable problem. Cry. And celebrity media encourages the world to love you. Bruce Jenner was a hero. He trained his ass off and won the decathlon in the Olympics at a time the U.S. was desperate for a win of any kind. If he did so while wearing panties beneath his track suits, all the power to him. Gold medal is scoreboard. Maybe he’ll become a great leader for the tranny movement and progress society toward tolerance. But he’s not a great father.
The bandwagon throngs have been spitting that praise out these past several days. Bruce Jenner is a likable enough guy who happens to be a shitty dad. Jenner has married and divorced three times, keeping deep secrets from his wives, creating kids in two marriages, the first set of which he ditched for years, lying to all of them about in the least being a woman, if not also gay. His personal shame led him to submit to Kris Jenner’s insistence to put his own young daughters into her money making whore machine. He allowed his little girls to become sexualized prepubescent TV personalities and models, pulled from school entirely to sell cosmetics and their budding tits in bikinis. Eventually, his teen girls were pushed out to the clubs, shot in more and more revealing wardrobes, their days spent on social media and nights spent underaged banging older rappers and calling it publicity wonderful. Good dads don’t allow that shit. Great dads don’t even allow that in theory. I don’t care if your confounding inner vagina is causing you all kinds of personal pain, you put your shit to the side and take care of your girls. What kind of man, or woman, are you?
Photo gallery: Getty Images
By Matt April 28, 2015 @ 7:34 AM
Demi Lovato dedicated her song Warrior to Bruce Jenner while on tour in New Zealand for having the courage to promote a stupid reality show where the season finale will culminate with him wearing a dress and baking a cobbler. Jenner puts our men and women in uniform to shame with his super ballsy shaved trachea. Lovato was really impressed:
“I just want to dedicate this song… It’s so cheesy that I’m even doing this, but fuck it, whatever. I want to dedicate it to someone who became an even bigger hero last night: Bruce Jenner!”
Note that Lovato already considered Jenner a hero. One might think this was in reference to his Olympic gold medal, but nobody under twice Lovato’s age has any real recollection of Bruce Jenner the athlete. You know the Jenner who shuffles around his house while his step children get pounded raw on camera in the room upstairs. Less of a hero than a creepy sap with problems like the rest of us, though slightly different. I demand a little more of my heroes, like that they not be a cast member on a show which is drowning American culture in a pool of lube and fragrances. Also, maybe they didn’t kill anybody in a car crash recently. Martin Luther King’s family might write you a letter for a shoutout at your next concert.
Photo Credit: Instagram