Doyle Brunson Disappointed In Bruce Jenner

By Matt February 17, 2015 @ 7:32 AM

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Eighty year old Texan poker champion Doyle Brunson is shockingly not accepting of Bruce Jenner’s gender transition. This shouldn’t come as a surprise since he doesn’t believe in evolution or even the power of Miracle Whip. Brunson tweeted his disapproval and never backed down because he’s eighty years old and fuck y’all. He’s seen the invention of the microwave and this magic box which records your thoughts. Also he recognizes Jenner primarily as an Olympian and not the boring purse holder on that show about the whores:

“I can’t believe Bruce Jenner is trying to become a woman? He was a hero of mine since I was involved in track long ago. #Sayitsnottrue… this man was an Olympic champion that set all kind of records. That’s a woman? My hero? Come on!… He may still be some people’s hero, but not me.”

It’s a lot for a guy of this generation to process. First dudes are wearing shoes without buckles and now they want to be the chick from Bull Durham? Jenner should have stopped being your hero a while ago. If this is the straw that broke the camel’s back you’re more tolerant than I am. Still, it’s important to keep in mind that for every ‘you go, girl’ shoutout from LGBT supporters there’s an old dude in a cowboy hat whose heart you just broke. Also, that lady you straight up killed.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Bruce Jenner Lies Like a Woman And Shit Around The Web

By Jack February 16, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Olympic champ turned reality TV castrato Bruce Jenner admits that he’s known his whole life that he really wanted to be a chick. I mean, I don’t give a shit that he wants to hack his dick off but lying to your parents then your wives then your kids for 60 years is fucked up. And what about America? He deserves a kick in the balls while he still has them.

Read all about Bruce’s lying lies. (TMZ)

This Hailey Clauson video will melt your eyeballs. (COED)

Alena’s naked tits are the best thing I’ve seen today. (Egotastic)

There is nothing like some nice thigh gap. (The Chive)

Kim Kardashian in blue contacts is fucking terrifying. (Huffington Post)

I would give Anna Kendrick the best three minutes of her life. (Drunken Stepfather)

Charlie Riina wears a wet t-shirt so you can see her titties. (Hollywood Tuna)

Bruce Jenner Won’t Be Going to Women’s Lockup

By Matt February 09, 2015 @ 6:03 AM

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Bruce Jenner was not texting while driving when he fatally killed an old lady in a Lexus while towing his dune buggy and trying to blend in. Reports had him holding something in his hand which appeared to be a cell phone, which is illegal in California unless you’re calling your agent or your pharmacist. Fortunately for Jenner he was just hand rolling a loose leaf cigarette and moistening it shut with the fresh honeycomb on his passenger seat so all is forgiven.

In California you can put on makeup while driving, eat a five dollar meatball sub, or shoot pool on one of those tiny tables you get in Sky Mall. You just can’t use your phone. This is because everyone has a phone and almost everyone uses it at some point so the police are able to fill their quotas. Texting and driving is a terrible thing and you shouldn’t do it. You probably also shouldn’t be over the age of 75 or filming some bullshit reality stunt using the paparazzi you phoned in either but fuck it. I’ve got enough points off my license. Proceed at your own risk.

Photo Credit: Getty Images/FameFlynet

Kris Didn’t Know Bruce Wanted To Be A Chick And Shit Around The Web

By Jack February 05, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Mother of whores Kris Jenner is telling inside sources that she was unaware that Bruce Jenner wanted to be a chick. She says that’s how bad the communication was or some shit. That is pretty bad when you don’t know that your husband wants to cut off his dick.

Read all about the extent of Kris’ denial. (TMZ)

Elsa Hosk in see-through underwear? Yes, please, and thank you. (Egotastic)

Mila Kunis is a big fan of her huge tits. Me too. (Huffington Post)

Want to see Kim K full frontal nude…again? (Drunken Stepfather)

Sandra Kubika in Valentine’s Day lingerie is the only gift I need. (Hollywood Tuna)

I would like to gnaw on Taylor Swift’s legs. (Popoholic)

Kaylee J. Lavigne and Saab Marty go splashy splashy in wet white t-shirts. (The Superficial)

Bruce Jenner Digging For Belinda

By Lex February 04, 2015 @ 12:29 PM

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Don’t buy into the support Bruce Jenner is receiving from knee jerks in Hollywood who opened up their appropriate response chart and saw the thumbs up sign next to gender reassignment surgery. Yay, Bruce, we support you, LGBT rocks, don’t burn my lawn with your AIDS pee. It’s a veneer. Like when your girlfriend says she’s sorry you lost your job and she supports whatever you do next. Check back in fifteen minutes and see how that’s going.

Bob Tur used to be a bad ass dude who flew news helicopters until he realized he wanted to be Zoey Tur who wore designer dresses and reported on celebrity gossip for Inside Edition. That happens. Tur’s busting on Bruce Jenner for not telling ‘her’ own story and letting the media sully what could have been a beautiful moment:

She should tell it in a way that teaches and educates people. Unfortunately Jenner has let the tabloids tell her story and, of course, they’re going to be salacious and hurtful.

Apparently Tur missed the meeting where Bruce Jenner outlined his own teachable moment strategy as (1) make boatload of money selling story to E!, (2) destroy ex-wife, (3) lop off penis. In that order. Maybe Jenner doesn’t want to be an Inside Edition reporter in Versace. Maybe he wants to be a slut who owns fuck my new vagina island filled with servants and well-endowed natives who pull butcher counter tickets and wait for their number to be called. Every man who becomes a woman has their own story to tell.

Photo credit: Splash News

Bruce Jenner, Real American Hero

By Lex February 02, 2015 @ 11:20 AM

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Hollywood intelligentsia such as they exist are scrambling to praise Bruce Jenner for openly becoming a woman just in time for a new reality show. Forget that decathlon nonsense, transitioning into a chick in your 60′s for co-producer stakes is the way to win hearts and minds in these environs. Piers Morgan admits he’s never met Bruce Jenner but declared him the bravest man in the history of earth. Morgan wrote an entire article. He has the time. Jenner’s secret came out officially last week officially when Kim Kardashian told an interviewer she one-hundred percent supports Jenner transforming into a less fetching Mrs. Doubtfire. She reserved the right to modify her percentages when she finds Kanye banging her stepdad’s plasticine vagina in the hedge row maze. The lone voice of discontent comes from Kris Jenner who has found that sponsoring young black men to savage her dry rot has done little to lessen the pain of knowing she can no longer drive men straight to their grave. First the witch craft goes, then the conjured human form, within days the neighbors are complaining of the stench of pickled fish and burning in their eyes. It’s almost time to sail away with the elves.