By Lex September 10, 2014 @ 3:08 PM
If Bruce Jenner wants to style his long hair and wear Spanx and nail polish and shave his various male points of distinction, fuck it, he won America a Gold Medal during a horrible gas crisis. We as a nation should collectively pick up a scalpel and give him the best damn vagina possible. We’re not licensed to practice, so maybe just pass around a collection plate to pay a Swedish doctor to give him a sweet as honey cunny.
Apparently Kris Jenner finds her future ex-husband’s feminine longings to be annoying and undeserved. She’s been mocking his hairdressing sessions and girdle wearing like she doesn’t understand gender identity disorder is a real thing for many aging former decathletes. Bruce, don’t hang your head. The wicked witch might think that lady parts are only good for sales and marketing, but we know they just make you feel complete. A woman who has used her vagina for so much destruction couldn’t possibly understand your pure intentions.
Photo credit: FameFlynet
By Travis April 03, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
Bruce Jenner just returned from Thailand, where he and his ex-wife vacationed with their daughters, including Kim Kardashian, who made the family famous by letting Ray J fuck her on camera, and a lot of people seemed to think he was over there to have his sex change operation done. While that didn’t happen, Radar claims that Bruce is still meeting with his old tennis buddy and transgendered person, Dr. Renée Richards, for consultation about possibly becoming a woman. The doctor supposedly told Bruce that a sex change procedure is “a serious, life-altering procedure and is not something to do unless you absolutely have no other choice,” and that he should consider antidepressants because of the emotional toll that the decision and process can take on a person. I’m sure it is, but this still seems like way too much effort to simply pretend that he never married Kris Jenner in the first place.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex March 17, 2014 @ 3:39 PM
The Kardashian publicity machine came up with the line a few months back that Bruce Jenner is still very much a man totally into sports and riding his motorcycle and flying his remote controlled helicopters. They also mentioned bear wrestling, sexually assaulting peasant girls in Laos and a few other quintessential masculine past times as re-imagined by an entirely gay P.R. staff. It is true, RC models are pretty damn manly. How many times have you seen a guy piloting one of those model planes and thought to yourself, damn, that dude reeks of raw ball sac. When he’s done packing up his batteries and his remote and carefully covering his hobby craft in its velvet-lined cape and packing it neatly into the back of his Forester, he’s probably off to defile my woman. Naturally, it’s harder to keep the archetypal male persona when your new tits are coming in and you’ve got lesbian golfer hair, but if anybody can pull it off, it’s one time Olympic gold medalist Bruce Jenner. I bet he still occasionally climbs in Kris Jenner’s window and fucks her hard just to uncork his massive overflow of ungodly masculine sperm and/or to borrow one of her chambray tops.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com
By Lex March 12, 2014 @ 8:18 AM
When I think about how Kardashian proximity has emasculated former lunch box hero Bruce Jenner, I want to punch Kris Jenner in her girdle restricted paunch so hard that Khloe passes gas. Maybe this guy was a ticking estrogen time bomb from birth, but there’s no disputing that living in a freak show for twenty years is going to rub you off a little freaky. Based on my projections, we’ve got six months, plus or minus two weeks, before we see Bruce on TMZ in a sullen mug shot wearing way too much eyeliner and an off-centered pigtail. I’m just glad his kids are already indignant high school dropouts so this couldn’t possibly harm them.
Photo credit: INF Photo
By Lex February 11, 2014 @ 2:57 PM
Bruce Jenner emerged from his Adam’s Apple reduction surgery looking like a completely new not man. Months ago Bruce mentioned that he really hated the way his trachea looked so it’s great that he finally got that disfigurement addressed. I guess one of the side effects from the procedure is the appearance of highlights in your hair and lady’s designer glasses. When the Keeping Up With the Kardashians episodes airs where Bruce Jenner screams at Khloe that he can give Lamar Odom what she never could, I’m building a rocket ship and leaving this planet.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Jack January 24, 2014 @ 2:47 PM
Though officially thrown out of the Asgard that is the Kardashian compound, Lamar Odom is reportedly still in contact with former in-law Bruce Jenner. Lamar has told Bruce that he’s okie-dokie with the former Olympic gold medalist’s desire to become a chick. Khloe Kardashian’s ex thinks that Bruce Jenner should be allowed to shave down his Adam’s apple, get pig tails, and start taking in Khloe’s dresses to fit his Kiss of the Spider Woman physique if he so desires. This is America, God damn it! If grandpa wants to turn from a plasticine mutant male and into the world’s fuggliest female he should be allowed to do so. A source close to Odom says,
“Lamar encourages Bruce to stay true to whoever he is and or wants to be. He did tell him that living with that family and being with Kris [Jenner] was all about perfection and how surgery is a normal thing in her eyes.”
Lest you think Bruce is on the precipice ready to slice off his shlong, the Kardashian P.R. team is still pushing the dad is still a dad line:
“Bruce is a total dude, all he talks about are cars and motorcycles and sports. He still wears tracks suits and Adidas sneakers.”
That certainly sounds total dude. Whenever I see somebody in track suits and Adidas sneakers, I think to myself, there walks a man among twinks. Naturally no women or transgender male could possibly be interested in sports or motorcycles. They are consumed 24×7 with hormone shots and ridding themselves of unwanted facial hair. It sure sounds like Bruce is about ready to go bang a hundred skanky chicks like a rapey Roman gladiator. I’m sure Lamar would be cool with that too since he’s been doing the same since he left Khloe and his nut jar re-grew to normal size.