By Matt June 23, 2015 @ 8:04 AM
Caitlyn Jenner celebrated Father’s Day with her children. If you think that sentence sounds absurd you’re either a bigot or just kind of smart or neither. This was presumably for a segment of the impending reality show where a dude gets super self righteous about wearing a dress. All the key grips offed themselves. I’m assuming these people all smell like shit. Accept for Jenner’s pony tailed rebellious son with his cis penis. That guy’s probably not bad. I saw him at Pep Boys.
Assuming Jenner is a chick, this is typical behavior. I refuse to do housework because you can’t tell me what to do. No I won’t pull out my credit card at dinner. I believe a man should act like a man. I have a moral compass which I can activate when I stop getting free shit. It’s actually an app I got on this phone I didn’t buy while vacationing in Dubai with this dude I don’t speak with anymore. If you’re a woman you don’t get to celebrate Father’s Day. I’ll start opening car doors when you bust out the Pine Sol. Equal pay, my ass.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt June 05, 2015 @ 8:11 AM
According to Blue Book estimates on a 1949 Douche, Bruce Jenner spent $70,000 to have a brow lift, facial rejuvenation surgery, botox injections, cheek implants, a shaved Adam’s apple and a blue rubber band from a stock of broccoli to help tuck his balls behind his legs. This goes to show anyone can find their true selves if they have an extra 70k laying around from encouraging their daughters to drop out of high school and blow rappers based on their number of Instagram followers. If God fucked up your drive-thru order and you were supposed to be born a woman you’d better be financially stable. Overriding nature will run you a pretty penny. I heard the farmers in the midwest fertilize their crops with the ashes of burnt hundreds when the going gets tough.
This whole spectacle is casting a larger divide between the haves and the have nots. You can find the person inside you through laborious surgeries. How did people achieve enlightenment before we realized a treatment for botulism could paralyze your face in a good way? If you’re in a union and there’s a woman inside you she might just have to stay there. Only rich people have the ability to find themselves. That’s how they used to sell Rolls Royces. Now it’s nose jobs. Welcome to the new world. We’ll fix all your problems now let’s cut your face. Who’s paying for this? Go Fund my ego.
Photo Credit: Vanity Fair
By Lex June 03, 2015 @ 9:24 AM
The curious case of Caitlyn Jenner exposes once more the intellectually dishonest debate over tolerance. Tolerance is an empty slogan employed by individuals with an agenda seeking to forestall dissension. It’s no different than politicians waving the flag around military budgets or hate mongers playing on base fears as a means to an end. Tolerance is held up as a goal in and of itself, meaning, its moral superiority need not be defended, or even explained. It’s trite, it’s cynical, it’s extremely effective.
The supporters of Bruce Jenner’s gender change have declared him the heroic standard bearer for gender rights. The issue is framed entirely in black or white. You are on the side of Caitlyn and tolerance or you are a babbling blockhead who deserves scorn and ridicule. In a more perfect world coming soon, you will taste the dungeon floors. Tolerance has become intolerance.
There appears to be the entire sum of nobody suggesting that Bruce Jenner didn’t have the absolute right to spend his shiny beads to purchase womanhood. However, there are people suggesting that Jenner is a self-centered egotist who has for decades put his own interests ahead of his obligation to family, let alone the gender dysmorphia rights campaign itself. Kris Jenner this week legitimately cried real human tears explaining how she was duped for twenty-three years by a husband and father to her children who hid the fact that his number one desire in life was to be living as a woman. Do you realize what kind of devil you must be to make Kris Jenner a legitimately sympathetic character?
Bruce Jenner lied to Kris Jenner just as he abandoned his former children and lied to his former wives and allowed his current crop of kids to be exploited for commercial gain because he was too weak with soul searching to put his foot down. These minor indiscretions all cleared now, along with a vehicular death, in the name of working through your gender identity issues. If you had crippling ALS like Stephen Hawking and your obsession with your cure led you to leave a trail of broken families in your wake, people would mock you openly. Bruce Jenner’s malady lies within the realm of the socially progressive, so he gets a free pass. In fact, he gets an Arthur Ashe Courage Award.
Bruce Jenner is not a horrible person. He’s just a guy who wanted to be a girl and his long time struggle has made him something of a self-absorbed heel. If that is the god you wish to bow down to, so be it. It’s when you bring out the fasces and start beating the critics that you cinch your morally bankrupt position. It would be nice if we could debate social issues on merit and point, rather than as an immature lot with butt hurt feelings requiring childish responses. I blame Sesame Street. I’m okay, you’re okay, unless you disagree with me. Mr. Hooper’s blowing Luis behind the produce, if this is a problem I got an eight foot tall bird who needs to see you in the alley about your feelings.
Photo credit: Vanity Fair
By Lex June 02, 2015 @ 8:50 AM
The release of the heavily airbrushed photos of the world’s worst father caused everybody and their former Little League baseball coach to stop and think, fuck, I’d like to be a hot woman. No gay. Jinx. Bruce Jenner has made transitioning into a beautifully Photoshopped woman half his age look like a breeze. If you happen to have a couple hundred grand and six months of free time, I’d say, you might get halfway there with some friendly mirrors. For the rest of the gender dysmorphic trying to get kindly Uncle Fred to take out a third mortgage just to pay for testosterone blockers, you’re on your own.
If the Vagina Dad to Caitlyn Jenner transformation teaches us anything, it’s that crappy parents who put their own interests way out ahead of their children’s will never truly be content. Everybody gloats about getting over on their boss. But nobody’s ultimately proud of themselves for sucking at their job. Bruce Jenner had one. Despite your secret desire to be a fetching gal, don’t ditch your first set of kids and don’t let your second set be turned into whores by your creepy insane wife. He failed. Retreating into the wonder of She-Me might provide temporary solace, but the laws of self-respect ultimately apply. I’m sorry I fucked up as a parent. I’m sorry I killed some broad on the PCH. But look at me in this slinky little number. I’m finally happy with me me me me me me me me…..
Photo Credit: Vanity Fair
By Lex June 01, 2015 @ 10:38 AM
By way of instant update, Bruce Jenner went with Caitlyn. Classy, mysterious, modern. Caitlyn is a girl that goes to Fashion School by day and solves apartment complex small crimes by night. She likes men, but loves her independence. She knows the IQ test is rigged, how else to explain how she’s almost entirely independent from her parents, or will be in just seven more years. Some days she has gangster rap rolling on her Spotify, some days it’s melancholy singer songwriters. She’s complex like a fine wine or a beat down street walker. Caitlyn doesn’t board a plane, she hops a flight, always to adventure though cautious enough to pay for that very poorly explained traveler’s insurance. Caitlyn desires sex, but knows her sacred place isn’t a bus stop for unhappy immigrants. She eschews common sense for passion of the heart. That’s how she got HSV. She wouldn’t do any of it different if she could do it all over again. Welcome, Caitlyn, to the world of wearing body suits without having to tuck in your balls. Today, the oyster is yours.
By Lex June 01, 2015 @ 9:11 AM
According to InTouch Weekly, whose sources consist of overweight El Salvadoran women peering into crystal balls next to Santeria shops, Vagina Dad has chosen Kaitlyn for his butterfly name. Anyone familiar with the Kardashian-E! money printing machine knows the real tranny name is likely being held under lock and key for a FIFA level cash payment. Still, I’m going to give Kaitlyn a whirl just to break from the pack of media struggling with their gender identity terminology.
Word on the tranny street is that Kaitlyn has lopped off her former Gold Medal penis and is preparing to be revealed in her full glory on the cover of the July issue of Vanity Fair. This is good news for those with senior citizen transgender full frontal Porn Tube cookies on their Dells. For the rest of us, it’ll be a chance to finally see what grandpa would look like as a girl. Given that his kids are already overtly sexualized troubled human party favors, there’s no downside in forcing them to deal with this rather traumatic public spectacle. There’s nowhere to go but money.
Photo credit: Getty Images