By Travis April 25, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
Kate Upton, Cameron Diaz and Leslie Mann attended a screening of their new film, The Other Woman, in New York City last night, and I can say with very little doubt that this is one of the worst looks that Kate Upton has ever worn. Of course, her best looks have always been when she’s in a bikini and appearing to struggle against gravity to keep her breasts from crashing to the ground, but there’s just something extra unusual about this lesbian leopard look that the model was working with last night. And while I have nothing to back this up, my natural inclination is to believe that Cameron Diaz paid her money to look worse than usual, because Kate must have been making these poor women feel terrible about themselves during all of their appearances. When this movie debuts overseas, my money is on Kate showing up dressed like a farmer with a big, bushy fake beard. It still won’t make Cameron look better, but at least it’ll distract some people from her smell.
Photo Credits: Getty
By Travis April 24, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
Now that Cameron Diaz is 41-years old, a lot of people are starting to focus on the fact that she isn’t married and that she’s never had kids, which is really unfair to her. After all, it’s not her fault that she didn’t jump all over and tie herself to any of the millions of men who would have murdered in her honor during her prime. She just never found the right man or never felt the urge to create life, and maybe all she wants to do is keep making terrible romantic comedies and twerk with giant panda bears on her Tonight Show appearances. However, there might be another reason that she’s single, as she revealed a very interesting hygiene note to E! News at the premiere of The Other Woman on Monday night.
“I don’t believe in antiperspirant. It’s really bad for you. I haven’t used it for almost 20 years. You’re stinky, because you use antiperspirant. It keeps all the stink in. Let it go and just trim your armpit hair so it doesn’t hold onto the scent.”
That’s really good advice, and I bet she looks forward to sharing it with no one in another 20 years.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex April 03, 2014 @ 4:33 PM
Leslie Mann grabbed Cameron Diaz’ butt on the red carpet for The Other Woman as both ladies pretended to be fun and flirty and that anyone with a camera gave a shit about them after Kate Upton’s boobs arrived. The three female co-stars of the film I’d just assume have an angry little person piss in my Lasik surgery still open cornea than go see all pretended to be bosom buddies, but we all know that’s not the case. Three women can’t be friends. It’s an unnatural triangle where each will become the talked about vertex of lesser worth. Men can be friends with other men of various irrefutable personal standards. A man can watch a ball game with another man who he’s pretty sure is fucking his dog. But Kate Upton thinks Cameron Diaz looks like a dude, Cameron thinks Kate doesn’t deserve attention as any kind of actress, and both Cameron and Kate want to vomit when Leslie Mann talks about how Judd Apatow’s neatly groomed beard tickles her when she orders him to go down on her in his gimp suit. If they weren’t shilling a movie and spinning tales of crazy girl friendships on the set, they’d be poisoning each others kale salads and hiding all the tampons. I could be wrong, but I’m not.
Photo Credit: Splash, Getty
By Lex April 02, 2014 @ 4:04 PM
The Other Woman is a movie that I’m dying not to go see. The movie revolves around a woman who finds out that her husband has a mistress and the mistress finds out he has a husband, and instead of them both dumping his ass like a healthy woman would, they seek revenge. They can put Kate Upton out front in a bikini all they want, you can’t fool me. This is a movie that’s going to make my dick want to apologize to past girlfriends for forgetting about their birthdays and their deadly peanut allergies. I don’t need to pay to go to the movies to be lectured, I can just ask the girl I was going to take to the movies to lecture me for free about why I never take her anywhere. Relationships are easy once you’ve given up.
By Lex March 28, 2014 @ 2:01 PM
When Gwyneth Paltrow announced she was Conscious Uncoupling from Coldplay tiny piano player Chris Martin, everybody ran to their New Age dictionaries to figure out what obnoxious meme Gwyneth was referencing. The Conscious Uncoupling theory dates all the way back to three years ago when some relationship expert with an advanced degree in bullshitology invented it. The entire thing is far too vague and conveniently invented to explain in less than a 90 minute spa session in St. Bart’s, but suffice it to say, it means I’m okay, you’re okay, and we did nothing wrong. I mean, yeah, maybe we cheated with billionaire real estate magnates and lied and forsook each other’s trust and put our own needs well ahead of our partners, but that’s because we evolved from amphibious zygotes and Mother Healer forgives us. I inserted that last part, but trust me, it’s less bullshit than the reality. Pretty much everybody on the planet is now turning against Gwyneth Paltrow. Even former demographically inclined Paltrow fans like working moms have seen the light and are penning poison snark to her online. But not Cameron Diaz. She honors Gwyneth’s choices and personal fortitude:
They’re being very honest about their relationship which is that they are really great friends, they’re amazing parents and they’re just consciously deciding that a part of their life is not going to be spent the way it’s been for the last 11 years.
Whoa, who let the actor monkeys start ad libbing? Cameron Diaz went on in her Glamour interview to mention that everybody’s been cheated on in a relationship before, either past, present, or future. She was probably just trying to slide in a reference to her new movie about marital infidelity, or maybe she meant Alex Rodriguez janking her hormones the very day of a modeling gig where she needed to look less like a man for a few hours. Either way, Gwyneth Paltrow uncoupled her mitts from her new lover’s cock for a moment to applaud and re-apply a moisturizer gleaned from the bleeding gums of Nepalese periodontal patients.
Photo Credit: Glamour
By Jack January 03, 2014 @ 3:59 PM
Cameron Diaz waxes rhapsodic about her hairy bush in her newly released health tome The Body Book. In a section called, “In Praise of Pubes”, the star discusses the trend among modern ladies of lasering off their muffs. Diaz says that she thinks that the idea of permanently removing off all of your pubic hair is crazy. After all, tastes change, don’t they? Perhaps the 70′s cuntfro will come back into style and then all of these girls with a hairless cat between their legs will feel out of place. Diaz then writes this brilliant defense of pubes as a way of providing foliage and mystery to the meat curtains,
“Pubic hair also serves as a pretty draping that makes it a little mysterious to the one who might be courting your sexiness. Pubes keep the goods private, which can entice a lover to come and take a closer look at what you have to offer. Also, let’s be honest: just like every other part of your body, your labia major is not immune to gravity. Consider leaving your vagina fully dressed, ladies. Twenty years from now, you will still want to be presenting it to someone special, and it would be nice to let him or her unwrap it like the gift that it is.”
This is perhaps the most important cultural issue of our day. There are a lot of guys I know who can’t handle any hair on the punani having spent too much time watching the shaved whores in modern porn. Others prefer the full Vanessa Del Rio. Diaz joins fellow 90′s hot person Gwyneth Paltrow in advocating a groomed but fuzzy twat. Maybe the hairy bush is A-OK for the mature ladies, but the younger gals aren’t going Rapunzel until they see it on the young stars of today. When Miley has beaver overflowing from her sheer body suits on stage, that’s when you’ll see millions of teeny boppers eschew the depilatories. And once again the awkward question of ‘Am I getting closer?’ will ring out from young men trying to get some in the backseats of cars across our great land.