By Lex April 03, 2014 @ 4:33 PM
Leslie Mann grabbed Cameron Diaz’ butt on the red carpet for The Other Woman as both ladies pretended to be fun and flirty and that anyone with a camera gave a shit about them after Kate Upton’s boobs arrived. The three female co-stars of the film I’d just assume have an angry little person piss in my Lasik surgery still open cornea than go see all pretended to be bosom buddies, but we all know that’s not the case. Three women can’t be friends. It’s an unnatural triangle where each will become the talked about vertex of lesser worth. Men can be friends with other men of various irrefutable personal standards. A man can watch a ball game with another man who he’s pretty sure is fucking his dog. But Kate Upton thinks Cameron Diaz looks like a dude, Cameron thinks Kate doesn’t deserve attention as any kind of actress, and both Cameron and Kate want to vomit when Leslie Mann talks about how Judd Apatow’s neatly groomed beard tickles her when she orders him to go down on her in his gimp suit. If they weren’t shilling a movie and spinning tales of crazy girl friendships on the set, they’d be poisoning each others kale salads and hiding all the tampons. I could be wrong, but I’m not.
Photo Credit: Splash, Getty
By Lex April 02, 2014 @ 4:04 PM
The Other Woman is a movie that I’m dying not to go see. The movie revolves around a woman who finds out that her husband has a mistress and the mistress finds out he has a husband, and instead of them both dumping his ass like a healthy woman would, they seek revenge. They can put Kate Upton out front in a bikini all they want, you can’t fool me. This is a movie that’s going to make my dick want to apologize to past girlfriends for forgetting about their birthdays and their deadly peanut allergies. I don’t need to pay to go to the movies to be lectured, I can just ask the girl I was going to take to the movies to lecture me for free about why I never take her anywhere. Relationships are easy once you’ve given up.
By Lex March 28, 2014 @ 2:01 PM
When Gwyneth Paltrow announced she was Conscious Uncoupling from Coldplay tiny piano player Chris Martin, everybody ran to their New Age dictionaries to figure out what obnoxious meme Gwyneth was referencing. The Conscious Uncoupling theory dates all the way back to three years ago when some relationship expert with an advanced degree in bullshitology invented it. The entire thing is far too vague and conveniently invented to explain in less than a 90 minute spa session in St. Bart’s, but suffice it to say, it means I’m okay, you’re okay, and we did nothing wrong. I mean, yeah, maybe we cheated with billionaire real estate magnates and lied and forsook each other’s trust and put our own needs well ahead of our partners, but that’s because we evolved from amphibious zygotes and Mother Healer forgives us. I inserted that last part, but trust me, it’s less bullshit than the reality. Pretty much everybody on the planet is now turning against Gwyneth Paltrow. Even former demographically inclined Paltrow fans like working moms have seen the light and are penning poison snark to her online. But not Cameron Diaz. She honors Gwyneth’s choices and personal fortitude:
They’re being very honest about their relationship which is that they are really great friends, they’re amazing parents and they’re just consciously deciding that a part of their life is not going to be spent the way it’s been for the last 11 years.
Whoa, who let the actor monkeys start ad libbing? Cameron Diaz went on in her Glamour interview to mention that everybody’s been cheated on in a relationship before, either past, present, or future. She was probably just trying to slide in a reference to her new movie about marital infidelity, or maybe she meant Alex Rodriguez janking her hormones the very day of a modeling gig where she needed to look less like a man for a few hours. Either way, Gwyneth Paltrow uncoupled her mitts from her new lover’s cock for a moment to applaud and re-apply a moisturizer gleaned from the bleeding gums of Nepalese periodontal patients.
Photo Credit: Glamour
By Michael January 03, 2014 @ 3:59 PM
Cameron Diaz waxes rhapsodic about her hairy bush in her newly released health tome The Body Book. In a section called, “In Praise of Pubes”, the star discusses the trend among modern ladies of lasering off their muffs. Diaz says that she thinks that the idea of permanently removing off all of your pubic hair is crazy. After all, tastes change, don’t they? Perhaps the 70′s cuntfro will come back into style and then all of these girls with a hairless cat between their legs will feel out of place. Diaz then writes this brilliant defense of pubes as a way of providing foliage and mystery to the meat curtains,
“Pubic hair also serves as a pretty draping that makes it a little mysterious to the one who might be courting your sexiness. Pubes keep the goods private, which can entice a lover to come and take a closer look at what you have to offer. Also, let’s be honest: just like every other part of your body, your labia major is not immune to gravity. Consider leaving your vagina fully dressed, ladies. Twenty years from now, you will still want to be presenting it to someone special, and it would be nice to let him or her unwrap it like the gift that it is.”
This is perhaps the most important cultural issue of our day. There are a lot of guys I know who can’t handle any hair on the punani having spent too much time watching the shaved whores in modern porn. Others prefer the full Vanessa Del Rio. Diaz joins fellow 90′s hot person Gwyneth Paltrow in advocating a groomed but fuzzy twat. Maybe the hairy bush is A-OK for the mature ladies, but the younger gals aren’t going Rapunzel until they see it on the young stars of today. When Miley has beaver overflowing from her sheer body suits on stage, that’s when you’ll see millions of teeny boppers eschew the depilatories. And once again the awkward question of ‘Am I getting closer?’ will ring out from young men trying to get some in the backseats of cars across our great land.
By Travis December 20, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
Here’s the trailer for The Other Woman, which stars Cameron Diaz and Leslie Mann as two women who realize that other guys will always ignore them for Kate Upton. There might be more plot details, but I was distracted by the very manipulative use of slow motion while Kate is jogging on the beach. It’s the kind of scene that could stop some evil terrorists from blowing up the entire world, because just as they’re about to push the button on their arsenal of nukes, Kate would jog by in slow motion, and they’d realize that America had it right this whole time. Thanks for saving the world, Kate Upton’s breasts.
By Lex July 22, 2013 @ 1:03 PM
I can’t help but feel this The Other Woman movie is going to be one horrible shat of a comedy caper involving women getting back on a cheating man. I’m not sure why women find that empowering. But I guess it’s a thing. When I get misused by the opposite sex, i mostly just feel like eating condensed Campbell’s soup and watching the crappy Star Wars prequels to remind myself of how great things can so easily get fucked up. It’s possible women who seek revenge are more manly than me. Though Kate Upton in particular does not look very manly.
Photo Credit: INF