A-Rod Banged the Lifeforce Out of Cameron Diaz and Torrie WIlson — Who’s Next?

By Lex April 10, 2013 @ 10:43 AM


If there’s two things A-Rod loves, it’s hormone doping and banging celebrity women. A-Rod has nailed an eclectic list of ladies, including Madonna, Kate Hudson, Cameron Diaz, Torrie Wilson, a bunch of Latina dancers and strippers and his wife in there somewhere too. Rumor has it that A-Rod has quite the endless appetite for boning. Impressive for a dude addicted to a drug that makes your jimmies smaller.

According to reports, A-Rod’s latest conquest is a 20-something graduate student in The Dominican Republic. Maybe he’s honoring their win in the WBC or just shaking out his own national roots. Either way, this new girl best pay attention to what has happened to his previous conquests. They all look haggard. I’m going to go ahead and blame birth control for this. While men are built like honeybees to indiscriminately pollenate as many flowers as possible until they fall to the ground and get squished under a shoe, women are designed to blossom post-squirt. To become Kardashian large with child and tell their mate to go fuck a houseplant if he needs some because their store is closed. You block that natural sequence and suddenly A-Rod is ramming his pud into your backstop three times a day, seven days a week, all the however many weeks if not months of your whirlwind romance and you’re suddenly worn weary like the big town prostitute with a small town work ethic. Cameron Diaz used to sparkle before A-Rod. The day they broke up she looked like Ripley climbing into stasis with the ship’s cat at the end of Alien. Beware young Dominican student, the dick of death is upon you.

Here’s Cameron Diaz today, eighteen months after her last A-Rod at-bat, only now recovering her precious bodily fluids.

Photo Credit: INF, FameFlynet, Wenn

this is the nicest possible Cameron Diaz headline

By brendon February 20, 2013 @ 1:33 PM

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I don’t get why the Huffington Post is so surprised, because the less someone looks like Cameron Diaz, the better. Would they prefer this? If I were that magazine I would have just used a picture of Kate Upton and then claimed it was some kind of mix-up, because Cameron Diaz looks like her parents are Uma Thurman and one of those old mangled trees.

(image source – interview magazine, getty)

I appreciate this Cameron Diaz

By brendon January 18, 2013 @ 5:54 PM

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Cameron Diaz hid her face as she left a gym in LA this morning, which is an extremely considerate thing to do if youlooklikeCameron Diaz.

In fact I wouldn’t be opposed at finding some way to do this full time. Not with a water bottle like she’s using of course, since things that are see-through and clear make notoriously bad hiding spots. One of those iron masks like Dr. Doom wears would be perfect through.

(image source = fame/flynet)

this is supposed to be Cameron Diaz

By brendon October 03, 2012 @ 1:57 PM

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Esquire UK says, “Everyone’s got a soft spot for Cameron Diaz.” I certainly know I do. It’s my dick. Because despite what their November cover and pictures from Terry Richardson (master of having a girl stand in front of a blank wall) try to trick you into believing, sheactuallylookslikethis. Like something that appears in a mirror after saying a spell 3 times.

Cameron Diaz was drunk, has never looked better

By brendon May 23, 2012 @ 12:13 PM

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Cameron Diaz tired to hide her face as she left the Whiskey Mist in London at 3am this morning, and it was a huge step in the right direction. I highly recommend she find someway to do this more often. Because when she doesn’t–like a few hours earlier at the UK premiere of ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting’–she’s absolutely awful to look at. She could play Ellen Barkins mom in a movie so easily. The make-up would be to not put on any make-up.

(image source = wenn, getty, bauer-griffin)

lookin’ good, Cameron Diaz!

By brendon May 09, 2012 @ 1:46 PM

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Cameron Diaz may be a bitch, and a terrible actress who adds absolutely nothing to a character, but at least she’s monstrously ugly.

I actually might be doing that wrong, but the point is she was at the New York premiere for ‘What To Expect When You’re Expecting’ last night, and holy fuck. About the nicest thing I can say is that there are moments when she could be Candice Bergens daughter, if Candice Bergen had a baby with fetal alcohol syndrome

(image source = getty, wenn, fame/flynet)