Cara Delevingne Hears the Call Of Duty

By Lex November 05, 2015 @ 10:51 AM

Cara Delevingne For Black Ops
This chick is everywhere. Look there, she’s got a gun. Over there, she’s twisted finger fucking your nana. This is just going to piss off hardcores who don’t think rich lesbian models are into first person shooter games legitimately. Does it matter that none of her six million Twitter followers play Call of Duty? Not so much. There’s a soldier in all of us. Where’s my pressed juice?

Photo Credit: “Call Of Duty: Black Ops 3″ Trailer

Cara Delevingne Upskirt Bare Ass for Pan

By Lex September 22, 2015 @ 1:48 PM

Cara Delevingne Upskirt At Pan Premiere
There’s yet another re-boot of Peter Pan because nobody’s rewarding new anymore in the movie business and neither is the audience. Cara Delevingne worked the premiere red carpet like a pro. Like a girl who the minute you say hello to you will name drop her lesbian lover and let you know they scissor kiss each night in their candle lit bathtub to the pungent scent of vanilla and British Island pussy. Now you know you have no chance. You don’t need this shit. You had college for that kind of shove off. Punish the messenger. Demand to know why Neverland forbids the baring of tits. Who dreamt that up? Oh, yeah, right.

Photo Credit: Getty

Cara Delevingne Takes Her Fake Lesbianism Seriously

By Lex July 17, 2015 @ 12:32 PM


Vogue magazine is under fire. Not for making women feel fat and undesirable and blaming it on far-fetched male standards of female beauty even though no men work for Vogue. But because they wrote an article about Cara Delevingne where they suggested her scissor kissing escapades might just be a phase or a way to get back at her mother who was a heroin addict throughout Cara’s childhood. Both of which seem entirely plausible. 13,000 people signed their names on a petition site where lazy activism has now settled insisting this reporter’s “lesbian phase” suggestion was homophobic, even though it’s almost certainly true.

Lesbianism is where upscale young women have turned for social acceptance since adding cocaine to their organic cold pressed juice diets became more than their allowance. At some point we need to start pointing fingers at 20-something guys. Don’t take this the wrong way, millennial men, but all your chicks are banging other chicks. Have you noticed you’re all home in your porkpie hats spinning vinyl and memorizing Rachel Maddow rants and you can still hear girls moaning through the apartment walls. God didn’t give you a dick just to feel guilty while reading rape culture essays. Get in there and claim your birthright. Maybe ask nicely if her friend wants to stay.

Cara Delevingne Silent Fluidity

By Lex June 19, 2015 @ 10:21 AM

Cara Delevingne Bare Midriffs In Vogue
According to female bloggers who still haven’t found their purpose, Cara Delevingne is one of the founding members of the young celebrities gender fluidity club. Nobody seems to understand that the inanely invented term gender fluidity describes somebody who feels intermittently like a man or a woman depending on whether or not their NFL team is doing well. Not rich girl models like Cara Delevingne who prefer to fuck other girls because all the men who surround her are either gay or into middle school chicks. While forty-percent of millennial celebrities will identify themselves as gender fluid, science will note that’s about eighty to a million times too high. It’s easy to feel fucked these days if you’re white and heterosexual and not anywhere on the autism scale. Keep your chin up and consider doing something more positive than reposting Daily Beast articles. Nobody’s getting into heaven on a hashtag.

Photo Credit: Vogue

Cara Delevingne Consoles

By Lex April 24, 2015 @ 9:32 AM

Prodigious pussy hound Cara Delevingne inserts herself into the arms of rebounding celebrity chicks lighting style quick. She’s got some hidden network of pneumatic tubes built under the earth’s mantle that can deliver her talented fingers anywhere in the world in eleven seconds. Elon Musk is still thirty years from this same technology. Pop. Out come the eyebrows just in time to console Miley Cyrus who was getting loaded and making out with her friends. To Catch a Predator stuffed animal. Check. Lesbian rings of power. Check. Pull Miley close to your bosom and work up some tears. There’s celebrity snatch to be had. No man on the planet has this game.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Cara Delevingne Just Eye Fucked Your Woman

By Lex April 02, 2015 @ 8:56 AM

Cara Delevingne Topless Covered
This voracious lesbian vampire is using commercial media to lure in her winding waiting line of snatches. She’s goddamn unstoppable. Guys love to say they’d be a lesbian if they were a chick because it sounds incredibly less gay on the back end of an opening of ‘if I were a woman’. As tough as you have it as a man finding women, imagine the playing field when only some relatively small percentage of chicks will even allow for girl girl love. You need to work that much harder and that much smarter. This model might look semi-lucid, but if she ever documented her methods, you’d see charts and formulae and Pareto curves and beakers bubbling with pheromone compounds beyond the comprehension of Harvard scientists. They walk among us. This chick is fingering all the good ones.

Photo Credit: Vogue/Yves Saint Laurent