By Lex July 23, 2014 @ 10:41 AM
I remember what I got for my 22nd birthday. An eviction notice. Selena Gomez got herself some new tits, a lesbian mentor, and a ride on a billionaire’s yacht. Given the option, I would have taken the lesbian tits on a boat thing too.
As somebody who’s documented lots of girls having sex together via the Internet, I can tell you this thing always starts with girls jumping off high ledges into the water. It’s a lesbian initiation ritual. Some kind of vagina-on-vagina baptism of giggles and screams. I bet you won’t jump, Selena. I bet you won’t touch my boobs under my bikini. It happens that fast. Next thing you know you’re wearing toe rings and exploring Indigo Girls deep tracks on iTunes. Given that Selena lost her cherry to Justin Bieber, she can really only work her way up the sexual food chain. Scissor kissing young euro models doesn’t seem too horrible. I just hope they’re running tape on this.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, FameFlynet
By Lex July 23, 2014 @ 7:29 AM
Lesbians are the new revenge fuck. It used to be when a girl wanted to drive home a point with her cheating ex, she’d fuck some handsome tool or maybe even her ex’s buddy if she had a bit of sinister in her. Now it’s lesbian thunkenmunchers. It’s the indisputable implication that you’re getting what he could never give you. Michelle Rodriguez or one of her scissor kissing coven like Cara Delevingne are always up for a game of I ruined your girlfriend. All you need is a yacht, some champagne, and a broken heart. Crank up the Tegan & Sara and set a course for adventure!
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, INFphoto.com
By Lex June 24, 2014 @ 1:02 PM
I can’t imagine what it’s like to have Michelle Rodriguez drunk and crocodile death rolling on your clit for six months without intermission. I’m guessing when she finally comes up for air and announces she’s moving on to dark meat, you feel like you need a vacation. Nobody said being a bisexual young fashion model with a trust fund was going to be easy. Cara Delevingne took off for Bali, sharing her respite with her fans through a series of semi-nude and insipid inspirational slogan photos on Instagram. Her message really hasn’t changed much to young girls: try to be really good looking and come from money. If that’s not possible, you’re going to want to post uncensored photos.
Photo Credit: Cara Delevingne/Instagram
By Travis May 12, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
Hollywood’s hardest partying bisexual Michelle Rodriguez was a guest of honor at the Los Angeles Gay & Lesbian Center’s 2014 “An Evening with Women” on Saturday, but she appeared to be flying solo without her latest girlfriend, Cara Delevingne. Is there trouble in paradise already with these two young lovers? According to the Daily Mail, there might be and it’s all because Cara can’t stop flirting with everyone she meets, guy or girl, and that makes Michelle angrier than she already seems every moment of her life. The rumor makes sense, because not only have we not seen Michelle and Cara together in weeks, but this event comes right on the heels of Michelle being carried out of a London club by herself. I remember a happier time when Michelle and Cara would be carried out of bars together so they could stare lovingly into each other’s glazed over eyes and look like they were about to throw up in each other’s mouths.
Photo Credits: Getty
By Travis May 09, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
In a much more entertaining and worthwhile video from Monday’s Met Gala, Cara Delevingne ended up in an elevator with Reese Witherspoon, Zooey Deschanel and Kate Upton, and it seems that at least Reese decided to get a little loose with the booze. Cara coaxed the already infamous drunk into playing the name game with her, because the way Reese says her last name with that twangy southern voice is a real hoot to a British gal like her. But Reese could barely pronounce any word, let alone “Delevingne” or “Do you know who I am?”, because she was apparently too busy making sure she really got her money’s worth of liquid stupidity for the evening.
By Lex April 14, 2014 @ 3:30 PM
Cara Delevingne has become enslaved to the dark draw of the Michelle Rodriguez power tongue. By the time you’ve invited Michelle into your sacred keep, your clitoral fate has already been sealed. Cara can only go out in the moonlight and must hide her face from the camera flashes as the luminescence makes her labia singe. Coachella seemed like a horrible choice of venues for a young woman now living in the shadows of her own Sapphic desires. In the overnight hours Michelle would approach the gates of the Empire Polo Grounds and transform into a Lycan pussy hound, puncturing the carotids of any female who had so much as looked with desire upon her young concubine. Even for a Lilith Fair, that’s a lot of unexplained lesbian deaths.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News