On the heels of their All-Natural Burger introduction that by process of elimination left people asking what was in all their other burgers, Carl’s Jr. quickly rolled out a highly publicized new themed burger. The Tex Mex Bacon Thick Burger. It’s unclear what any of this means except that at this point the Carl Karcher great grandkids are summer interning in the marketing department. Designing a burger around Google trending border war topics seems like a poor culinary rationale. I get it, the blonds are Americans and the brunettes are Mexicans. Why must of think of half-dead Central American children being run by coyotes across the Sonoran while I’m trying to eat my ten thousand calorie burger?
As with all fast food burger buying decisions, just tell me if it tastes good when I’m wasted at two in the morning and does it cost less than five bucks. I don’t care how fucking high you are, you’re never so faded that six bucks for a drive-thru burger makes sense. The connection between erection and hunger remains entirely unproven, though science has shown your odds of getting laid by a model decline in direct proportion to how many meals a week you eat at Carl’s Jr. Good luck with the math. And the gas.
Five seconds ago I made an off-the-cuff and not entirely complimentary remark about Carl’s Jr. burgers. Since that time I’ve come to realize that their burgers are totally fucking awesome and that they might be on our list of intended advertising targets. Not that one has to do with the other. But just look at the goddamn burger photo that pops up when you Google Carl’s Jr. burgers. Don’t tell me you aren’t thinking about getting wicked high and shoving that beast into your gullet at three in the morning. Yeah, boy. Even those fried pieces of intestine from sheep slaughtered after the Fukushima meltdown look like edible strips of heaven. In fact, go buy ten of these burgers now. Tell them heavy on the cheese, but light on whatever you call that nasty stuff you get because the dude in the back didn’t lave his manos in accordance with posted signage. I think we’re good now.
Why do fast food places make salads? Yeah, I know contrived young girls are assaulting McDonald’s CEO with questions about making kids diabetic, their fingers too swollen to operate the remote control to watch their skinny Asian counterparts stealing their future. But who the fuck is going to a greasy QSR to eat healthy? These execs are always telling us about how the people are demanding nutritious low-calorie alternatives at their restaurants. Really? Show me one of these people. Are they the same ones demanding more non-nude options at strip clubs and greater selection in non-alcoholic beers? These people do not exist. That cranberry apple walnut salad is about as natural as Jenny’s boobs face hair.
Heidi Klum doesn’t eat bacon. Or burgers. Or drink Jim Beam. But she’s been going around saying she does which still totally qualifies her to serve as blonde pimp for the new bacon-packed Carl’s Jr. Jim Beam Bourbon Burger. And why people give a rat’s ass whether or not she actually eats her entire month’s allotment of calories in one mighty-tasty sounding burger I don’t know. Does Captain Kirk really use Priceline? Does Michael Jordan really wear low-budget Hanes undershirts? I don’t give a fuck and I could care less, respectively. Do I want the product? Yes, I want a fucking burger that tastes like bacon and booze and will make me experience the rush of ten millions years of male domination. More importantly, I want to eat that arterial assassin while watching Heidi Klum in lingerie pretending to be a hot mom seducing a young man with a dripping hunk of beef.