Carmen Ortega Has a Backup Plan

By Lex March 05, 2014 @ 4:10 PM

Carmen Ortega Strips Down In The January 2014 Issue Of Alwayz Therro
You may recall Carmen Ortega as the model who tried to get somebody famous in professional sports to knock her up before she gets old and unwanted. That narrows the list of part-time models in Miami down. She’s also the girl who got to know the true Justin Bieber by having a heart to heart talk with him in the backroom of a strip club in Florida. Jesus does find you in the silliest places. Arriving quickly at Plan C, Carmen is starting to take off more clothes in magazines like Alwayz Therro. You can go ahead and mock the magazine name yourself. You can’t knock Carmen’s thoughtful strategizing. Maybe LeBron won’t be calling back and you can bet Justin Bieber won’t remember your tits from the others he’s sucked on with his buddies, but pictures of yourself taking your clothes off is like pepper to medieval Europe or drug and disease free hummers at a David Geffen beach party, it’s currency.

Photo Credit: Always Therro Magazine

Carmen Ortega Inspires Justin Bieber to Live For the Now

By Lex January 24, 2014 @ 4:41 PM

Carmen Ortega Shows Off Her Body On Instagram
Carmen Ortega has slept with a good number of athletes, so she knows a thing or two about the human condition. You don’t get to ball Reggie Bush and LeBron James and not come away with some insight on the male superstar psyche. Carmen spent 90 minutes with Justin Bieber at the King of Diamonds strip club earlier this week and she got a good feel for the misunderstood midget bard:

He really cares what people say. He was saying that all this attention is ruining his career. He was really sad.

It must be awful, always being made out to be the bad guy. It can’t be normal … I gave him the advice to enjoy the moment, the right now, and not think about it too much. He agreed and said: ‘You’re right.’

Inspired by Carmen’s carpe diem chide, Justin ordered $75K in single dollar bills so he could make it rain in the private dance room of the strip club. Later, he would get loaded on weed, booze, and pills and drove his Lamborghini up and down a residential street his dad closed off by authority of The Bieber Family of Ontario. Great job, Carmen. Who the fuck tells Justin Bieber just to live for the now? Wonderful advice, sweetheart. How about, live like you don’t want people to think you’re a total dick or live like you want to be alive at 25. Or just, at least drink hard enough to kill yourself.

Photo Credit: Carmen Ortega/Intagram

Carmen Ortega Models A Thong Bikini For A 138 Water

By Lex October 14, 2013 @ 4:17 PM

Carmen Ortega Models A Thong Bikini For A 138 Water Commercial Shoot In The Hollywood Hills
At this point, the 138 Water people are just grabbing girls with large asses off the street to pose for fifty dollars. This easily could be a single camera guy who put fake label on his Dasani water bottle and has convinced desperate hungry models that it’s some new product campaign. It’s one way to meet girls. Or murder and dismember them in the back of your van. We need one of those gritty movie cops to investigate this shit before we start running out of naive chicks with big fake tits in this town.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Carmen Ortega In A Bikini

By Lex July 26, 2013 @ 5:35 PM

Carmen Ortega In A Bikini Playing On The Beach In Malibu
Carmen Ortega was the model slash escort girl who started banging Reggie Bush when he was dating Kim Kardashian. She also maybe tried to sell a sex tape she made with Reggie, to no avail. Then Reggie dumped her for yet another girl who also looked like Kim Kardashian. If I had to sum up Reggie Bush’s type, I’d say scheming brunettes with big titties and asses. I like slender blonds who have been mute since birth. We all have our thing.

Here’s Carmen Ortega in a bikini in Malibu. She’s recently relocated to Los Angeles to try once again to catch a rising star. Or sleep with one.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Carmen Ortega In A Bikini

By Lex May 17, 2013 @ 9:28 AM

Carmen Ortega In A Bikini On The Beach In Miami
Only important people get phone calls at the beach. When I’m by the water, I’m usually there with the one or two people who might call me anyhow, so if the phone rings, it’s usually somebody with a harsh accent asking where Effram is. If I knew where Effram was, half my cell phone calls would end on a much happier note. Model Carmen Ortega seems to be on a very important call. Maybe it’s about a new modeling assignment or maybe her new even bigger jugs are ready at the shop. Even at the beach, you’ve got to take that call.

Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin

Carmen Ortega Barely in a Bikini

By Lex May 10, 2013 @ 5:00 PM

Carmen Ortega In A Bikini In Santa Monica
I can’t think of any reason to share these brand new pictures of model Carmen Ortega with you. I can’t even think of a good reason to explain who she is. You don’t care. You’re looking at her zippers. Or her enormous jugs. Or both. Men’s two greatest attention draws are shiny object and tits. This could be a tough one. Pull through, son of Odin.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet