The trailer for the upcoming Magic Mike XXL has been released and features a roided Channing Tatum humping a bench grinder and jizzing sparks. The scene is a tribute to the movie Flashdance. Tribute is another word for ripping something off. If you’ve ever been criticized for watching porn or going to a strip club then June is your chance to really dig your heals into the ground and end up sleeping on the couch. Women eat this shit up. It’s called porn, albeit soft porn that sucks. The first Magic Mike got an 80% on Rotten Tomatoes, which proves all movie critics are either fans of man ass or double standards. Showgirls, Striptease, and even the drastically underrated Zombie Strippers are well below the 50% mark because along with simplistic story lines and bad jokes they feature tits instead of dicks. If your chick is going to go out and see this with the girls then I’d take a trip to the outskirts of Reno with the guys. If women are truly more emotional, this is cheating.
Warner Bros. has decided to delay the release of Jupiter Ascending from tomorrow until the time we land a man on the real Jupiter. In the $150 million “space opera”, Mila Kunis plays a house cleaner named Jupiter Jones who meets a bad ass interplanetary secret service agent played by Channing Tatum and his close-set beady eyes. Channing’s sent across the galaxy to protect the Mila from the Queen of the Universe because Mila is destined to be the real Queen. So, it’s basically every fairy tale ever written run through a scientology cleansing. The film was directed by the Wachowskis, the siblings who directed The Matrix and then three crappy films just like the Matrix. The Wachowskis used to be the Wachowski Brothers until Larry realized he couldn’t be self-actualized until he was Lana and looked like the German chick in Run Lola Run. The studio is holding off on announcing an official reason for the release date delay until their publicity department can figure out a more polite way of saying we just bought ourselves the world’s most expensive sack of shit.
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Last night was The 85th Annual Academy Awards and I’m completely ashamed to say I watched the entire thing. To sum it up, Seth MacFarlane did surprisingly not shitty, Jennifer Lawrence fell down, the Best Director winner was bullshit, Ben Affleck got snubbed, then didn’t and George Clooney kept getting free scotch thrown at him for smiling every time someone joked he banged and/or will bang somebody like nine-year-old Quvenzhané Wallis (Actual Seth MacFarlane joke.) who already had to deal with Daniel Day Lewis demanding she thank him backstage. This shouldn’t fuck a kid up.
(Images of celebs who showed up to last night’s Oscars with varying degrees of cleavage or dumb-looking faces = Getty)
People magazine announced today that Channing Tatum is this years Sexiest Man Alive, then later added, “no, seriously. His perpetually dumbfounded face is hot.” And if you were under the impression that Channing Tatum is kinda dumb, they included a delightful story to confirm that.
“My first thought was, ‘Y’all are messing with me,’” says Tatum, who married actress Jenna Dewan-Tatum in 2009. “I told Jenna after we’d been in the bathtub washing our dogs because they’d gotten skunked.”
“She was like, ‘What?’”
“Yeah, she calls me [the Sexiest Man Alive] now,” he adds.
Holy shit. How boring was the rest of the interview if People printed that? Even for an actor, Channing Tatum seems dumb. They could have talked to that gorilla that knows sign language and gotten better quotes.
Channing Tatum may be the worst actor of all time, but he somehow managed to talk his way into Jenna Dewan’s arms and more importantly, vagina. So the guy deserves a modicum of credit. That is, until he basically got outed by Ice Cube who costars with Channing and Jonah Hill in ’21 Jump Street.’ via People:
White men love bro-mances, man,” costar Ice Cube says with a laugh. “They are very into it. God bless ‘em. Hopefully they’ll be happy together.
Wow. It’s one thing for Ice Cube to insinuate that these two are about to embark on a homosexual life union (which they are, without question), but to toss out a stereotype about all white men based on one quite obviously gay relationship is taking it a little far, no? It wouldn’t be fair if I said all black people love Tyler Perry movies just because all of you love them. That’s racism.
(Image Source = Getty, Splash News)