Charlie Sheen wants Mila Kunis to be his third “goddess”

By brendon April 07, 2011 @ 12:48 PM

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When you surround yourself with one kind of person long enough, you start to think all people are like that. Date a bunch of dirty whores for a year or two, then go out with an accountant and she’s gonna look pretty surprised when you nonchalantly pound it in her ass.

In a related story, Charlie Sheen went on stage last night in Columbus, Ohio, and announced that he wants MIla Kunis to be his third girlfriend, along with the porn star and marijuana model. The Huffington Post says…

“Here’s the good news – my goddesses have already f**king approved her. She’s pre-approved!” Sheen said.
“I would have great tolerance for many missing items provided it involves Mila f**king Kunis: If Mila Kunis is stealing your s**t , trust me, you’re still f**king winning, you’re still winning at that moment.”
Sheen told the audience how he plans on luring her.
“I’m going to go on her Facebook page and discover her likes,” Sheen said. “I’m going to buy them all and then she can come steal them. A super f**king hot thief named Mila Kunis. Mila, please, we we have a warehouse full of your favorite s**t to steal.”

I wonder if that’s why he was scaring Sarah Hyland a few weeks ago. She looks like an adolescent Mila Kunis. More importantly; really? People are really paying to see this jackass ramble on about nothing? I’m Irish. If I wanted to see some abusive drunk take off his shirt and scream profanity I’d go to my family reunions.

(image source = splash news)

Charlie Sheen is getting booed off stage

By brendon April 04, 2011 @ 10:15 AM

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If having an old burned out drunk get on stage and ramble incoherently sounds like a dynamite night of entertainment, then you’re sure to love the “Charlie Sheen Live: My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat Is Not An Option” tour, which stated this weekend in Detroit when he got booed off the stage. People says…

The people who packed the Fox Theatre in Detroit on Saturday night for Charlie Sheen LIVE: My Violent Torpedo of Truth booed as the actor launched into a series of nonsensical rants from behind a podium.
In fact, his rants were so nonsensical that even Sheen seemed confused, and he stopped right in the middle of his speech, saying, “Is anybody as confused by this s–– as I am?”

His second show was last night in Chicago, and the good news is it didn’t suck as bad.

Though by no means an overwhelming success, the performance was quite a turnaround from the kickoff show in the Motor City, which critics widely panned and the crowd met with boos, shouts of “refund” and mass walk-outs.
It was a loud and raucous show throughout, with fans screaming questions, compliments and insults, including “You suck!” and “Shut it!”

I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that an old man repeating already annoying catch phrases, telling aimless stories and complaining won’t be the money making extravaganza they had in mind.

(image source = pacific coast)

CBS wants Charlie Sheen back at work

By brendon March 21, 2011 @ 1:20 PM

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The reason that some people think Hollywood only cares about money is because Hollywood only cares about money, and so with that in mind, CBS President Les Moonves is reportedly trying to find a way to get Charlie Sheen back to work on Two and a Half Men, despite the fact that he’s an unstable and violent lunatic. But Moonves has a plan; just ignore it.

(Moonves) is ready, willing, and able to forgive and forget all of Sheen’s recent antics and continue broadcasting the series.
Moonves has been speaking directly with top execs at Warner Bros. Television (and) ‘Men’ co-creator and executive producer Chuck Lorre.
“Moonves wants to get the show back on the air. He’s all for it. He says certain people need to forget anything and everything Charlie’s done recently and just move on with the business at hand.
“The core issue is, as he put it, the volatile relationship between Charlie Sheen and Chuck Lorre. He believes that if CBS and Warner Bros. TV honchos can find a way to get Chuck and Charlie to speak again, cooler heads will prevail.”

Yeah Sheen seems pretty rational, so I’m sure this can all be worked out. Just go over to his house, he’s probably out back with a red striped shirt and patch over his eye, ready to launch a homemade rocket so he can be an outer space pirate, but if you hurry he can be back in the office by Wednesday.

Charlie Sheens $100,000,000 lawsuit isn’t going so well

By brendon March 17, 2011 @ 11:23 AM

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Rest assured that CBS and Warner Brothers had absolutely no desire to fire Charlie Sheen from Two and a Half Men and destroy the number one sitcom on television. They stuck with him when he allegedly tried to murder his wife and kidnapped a prostitute, but his increasingly bizarre behavior eventually left them no choice.

Sheen of course feels they were just out to get him, for no reason, so he decided to sue for 100,000,000 dollars. Guess how that’s going.

Charlie Sheen has been dealt a procedural blow in his lawsuit against Warner Bros. Television and Two and a Half Men co-creator Chuck Lorre over his firing.
Sources tell The Hollywood Reporter that the private dispute-resolution company JAMS on Tuesday sided with WBTV and Lorre in deciding that its own arbitrator has jurisdiction over the dispute, meaning the confidential arbitration will go forward despite Sheen’s request that the fracas be litigated publicly.
The decision makes it much more likely that Sheen’s high-stakes legal war with Warners and Lorre will be resolved in private — and not in a public trial, as Sheen has said he is entitled to under the law.

When Sheen heard the news he turned and asked the talking bull, who is also a 5 star general, about this, and the bull took off his glasses and told Charlie about the stargate, and that he had less than 48 hours to close it. “Time to kick some alien ass,” Sheen said.

Kacey Jordan tried to kill herself

By brendon March 15, 2011 @ 3:00 PM

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Kacey Jordan of course is the porn star who was with Charlie Sheen the night he was rushed to the hospital a few weeks ago, and who then did countless interviews detailing every minute of it. But she hasn’t been able to forget about her time with Charlie. Those 16 hours really messed her up.

“those 16 hours i was with charlie sheen… messed me up… i can’t get that image out of my head…”

See, I told you they did. She put that on her twitter last night during what might have been a suicide attempt.

“i just snorted a fat line and i get a wake up call for my pedicure spa appointment in 15 min…. this is going to be a great conversation!”

“i took a bunch of pills…drank a hotel size bottle of jack… stumbled to the bathroom to weigh myself………86 lbs”

“I’m Soooo bored in this hospital bed! I wanna have someone save me… And kpuff doesn’t have underwear?!!”

The hotel intervened and the police were called, and she appears to be okay for now, in the sense that she’s not physically dead. I’m sure she’s still a complete mess in every other possible way. It maybe didn’t help when the doctor gave her her meds by telling her to get on her knees and open her mouth.

the LAPD raided Charlie Sheens house for guns

By brendon March 11, 2011 @ 10:43 AM

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Finally. A story about Charlie Sheen.

“It came to the attention of the LAPD that Sheen is the registered owner of firearms,” the LAPD said in a statement late Thursday night, and conducted their investigation at Sheen’s home “to determine if he is in possession of firearms and ammunition in violation of the [restraining order].”

That being the restraining order placed on him 10 days ago by his wife Brooke Mueller, who said he threatend to cut her head off, put it in a box and send it to her mom.

They confiscated bullets and an antique gun, but Sheen was not arrested or detained.

Well he held a knife to his wife’s throat and threatened to cut her head off. Shouldn’t they have told him he can’t have any knives? He thinks he’s the goblin king, he’s not gonna use a gun, and her enchantment spell deflects bullets anyway.