By Matt February 25, 2015 @ 7:05 AM
The cultural abomination Two and a Half Men is over after twelve painful seasons. Fans of the show had hoped Charlie Sheen would return for the finale and also that they’d be allowed some extra warm milk tonight. Sheen’s character had been killed off years ago but the final episode explained he’d actually been held captive by his widow for four years, at which point he escaped and was nearly hit by a train but his life was saved by a goat. If this sounds fucking horrible you’ve never seen the show. Arnold Schwartzenegger made an appearance as a police officer and harassed some women backstage. Chuck Lorre, the show’s creator, wrote himself into the script and was smashed by a piano as he said “Winning” and your grandpa pulled the plug on your grandma. August T Jones, who played the fat kid, had previously denounced the show because he’s in a religious cult but made an appearance because Carl’s Jr. doesn’t accept Jesus parables in lieu of cash anymore. The show has always been highly rated among what’s left of the broadcast television audience. Primarily the catatonic and people too lazy to masturbate. I’m hoping it won’t go into syndication and America can wash its hands of this unfortunate period. Unfortunately there’s a lot of channels. Cover your mouth.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Michael February 12, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
Brian Williams is in a shitload of trouble, so naturally who you want defending your name is Charlie Sheen. Charlie called what’s happening to Williams a “witch hunt”. I wonder why Sheen even cares? Maybe they used to do blow together at the Playboy mansion?
Read all about Charlie’s defense of lyin’ Brian. (TMZ)
Unpronounceable hottie Paula Bulczynska shows off her bare tits. (Egotastic)
Elizabeth Olsen has some glorious sideboob. (Drunken Stepfather)
Lydie Page’s booty makes me want to cry with joy. (Hollywood Tuna)
Irina Shayk’s Sports Illustrated spread is getting my pressure up. (Popoholic)
Ever wonder how Farrah Abraham became the cum slut we know today? Meet her parents. (The Superficial)
Jwoww got herself some new tits as a birthing gift. (Dlisted)
By Matt January 06, 2015 @ 9:22 AM
Charlie Sheen went on a Twitter rant while sober people were sleeping about an at best second hand story regarding Kim Kardashian. It centered around her reportedly denying a six year old girl an autograph. This is according to his friend C Thomas Howell who nobody knew had a drug problem until now, although it’s hard to discern if Sheen was talking to the actual Howell or shadow people. If the story is true the rant should be directed at the girl’s parents. Certainly Sheen is one to judge since he’s limited himself to a strict booze and porn regimen during court ordered supervised visits with his children. Either way it’s refreshing when someone doesn’t give a shit:
“You are lucky that ANYONE cares about your gross and giggly bag of funk you dare call an ass… your public loves u. give something back or go f yourself. My apologies to your hubby, great guy I’m sure, I hope his vision returns one day.”
TMZ reached out to Sheen, who got back to them right away since he’d been talking to the ants on his ceiling since his last speedball. He stood by his hatred of Kardashian even though he or his caretaker had since deleted his tweets:
“Zero gratitude, zero awareness, zero talent, a pox on the face of entertainment she is!”
It seems Sheen is picking on the one person in Hollywood more widely disregarded than himself. Maybe good crack is the shit and makes an honest man of you. Maybe she told him to fuck off when he drunkenly hit on her. Probably both. Either way, this is fun.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Matt December 10, 2014 @ 7:40 AM
Charlie Sheen and his ex procreation and crack smoking partner Brooke Mueller have agreed on a custody arrangement of their troubled twin sons. Sheen will be allowed monitored visits as he flop sweats through two hours of sobriety while a social worker plays frisbee with the little Damien children. The arrangement follows information that Sheen was wasted while the kids visited in the past. No word on whether or not he was more fun.
Mueller has been in and out of rehab, and stashed the kids with Sheen’s ex ex wife Denise Richards after she almost OD’d a few years ago which must have been awkard. Mueller is also being sued by her former assistant for sucking a ton of dick in front of him. Clearly these two kids are kindred spirits. If double ended crack pipes existed, they probably could’ve kept their romance alive. The kids will have to balance their future parental divorce from Sheen with his ability to introduce them to cracked out porn stars once they turn sixteen. Poor black kids have to grow up knowing cops might take them out one day. Rich white kids have to grow up knowing their dad is Charlie Sheen. Things are tough all over.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Lex November 05, 2014 @ 8:59 AM
According to reports, the porn star Charlie Sheen dumped before a scheduled marriage this month was rushed to the hospital over the weekend to have her stomach pumped following an overdose. It’s unclear what Brett Rossi overdosed on. Leading speculation is either kale salad or prescription pharmaceuticals. If you’ve ever eaten too much fucking kale, you know which is worse.
It can’t be easy when the love of your life and occasional knife or fist wielding domestic abuser dumps you at the altar. Every girl dreams of locking up her future with a egomaniac who likes to fry his brain and hurt his women. Love is fickle that way. Rossi’s people refuted the entire drug overdose scenario:
Her hospital stay was due to an adverse reaction to a newly prescribed medication. The rumors that she had her stomach pumped due to an overdose are completely false. Scottine has always been an advocate for living a healthy, sober lifestyle and has never had a history of substance abuse in her past.
Scottine is another name Rossi goes by. Porn stars tend to have multiple names much like flimflam men, Dominican ballplayers, and Nazi war criminals hiding out in Argentina. Obviously, the streets are filled with ambulances rushing women to the hospital because they didn’t take well to their new yeast abatement medication. Sometimes, you do have every single one of those adverse reaction disclaimers mentioned in the commercials. Especially when you chase your 10 mg of Yeasterin with a kilo of Oxy.
Add this verse to the sad ballad of the porn star. Life expectancy about 30. The modern day coal miners we send down the tunnels knowing they may never return. Somebody’s got to keep the lights on.
By Matt October 06, 2014 @ 6:04 AM
Charlie Sheen is being sued by a dental assistant who he maybe grabbed her tits and told her he was going to fucking kill her. She says Sheen was high on crack, which he says is ridiculous because crack is such a catchall term used by laymen who don’t understand the various rock cocaine options like he does. Sheen claims he was merely on a bunch of prescription drugs for a shoulder injury, which he most likely injured while high on crack and grabbing other girls tits and threatening to kill them. She alleges Sheen grabbed her breast, tried to pull off her bra, stabbed the shit out of the dentist chair and came at someone else with a knife. I’m no Columbo, but we might want to check out that chair. If it looks like tenderized chuck steak there might be a problem. Sheen’s lawyer, Marty Singer, says the suit is ridiculous and the assistant is:
“An opportunist looking to make her fifteen minutes of fame”
Yes because fuck American Idol, everyone wants to be known as the person who got assaulted at work by Charlie Sheen. We will probably never know what really happened because Sheen’s lawyers will settle this case immediately, lest it go to trial and Charlie Sheen’s closet full of coked up Malaysian hooker skeletons come tumbling out. I’ll take a guess at $75,000 and a new dental chair delivered on the down low.
Photo Credit: Getty Images