Just like Meryl Streep, Julia Roberts, Madonna and all of the other hugely successful female celebrities that she aspires to be like, Farrah Abraham spent the evening judging a pole dancing competition. And that’s not even the tip of the iceberg for her meteoric expectations, because now she has her heart set on the greatest of all career moves – a guest role on Anger Management.
According to TMZ, Farrah recently sent Charlie Sheen a rambling, incoherent text message about how she “was excited to meet” him and “would love to meet” him, and possibly even set up a play date for their children or just get coffee. Charlie responded with “you sound fabulous!” and told her that he’d love to get together.
Then he set his phone down, peered into the soulless eyes of the 19-year old girl who was giving him a blowjob and whispered, “You’re getting a friend.”
Charlie Sheen will be billed by his birth name of Carlos Estevez in Robert Rodriguez’s upcoming Machete Kills. It seems that he suddenly remembered that part of his tiger/wizard/dragon blood is Latino. His dad Martin Sheen changed his own name from Ramón Antonio Gerardo Estévez when he started out. Back then Hollywood didn’t like the brown people unless they wore sombreros and were shot by John Wayne. His other son Emilio proudly kept the family name, and it didn’t keep him from starring in such classics as Mighty Ducks and Mighty Ducks 2. Robert Rodriguez brings the secret Latino out in people, even coaxing Jessica Alba to admit she’s a homegirl, (no easy task). Now that Charlie is officially “out of the piñata”, as it were, I’m not entirely sure the rest of us Latinos want him. The gays are getting a ton of well-spoken professional athletes now, the blacks even got Tiger Woods for a while when he was in big trouble, Where’s our superstar athletes coming out of the closet as Latino? Why do we get the dude who likes to get high and shoot his women? Latinos get fucked once again.
Charlie Sheen was scheduled to be the celebrity host of this past Saturday’s Memorial Day Weekend Salute pool party at the Sapphire Pool and Day Club in Las Vegas, and of course he bailed on that. Maybe he was caught up in filming a scene for a movie or his show, or maybe he just decided not to get up from between whatever soulless and fatherless 19-year old girls that he passed out on top of the night before. Either way, it left Sapphire’s management with a big decision to make.
Fortunately, they made the right call and just had the other celebrity guest, Crystal Hefner, stand around in her extra small bikini and blow kisses at people. And if someone showed up and asked where Charlie was, she’d just tell them, “He’s dead” and then bounce up and down.
Charlie Sheen was on The Tonight Show on Wednesday to promote his new film, Scary Movie 5, in theaters today, and the conversation quickly turned to his strange friendship with Lindsay Lohan. Sheen helped Lohan out last year by loaning her six figures to pay her back taxes, because that’s the kind of thing a 47-year old man does for a 26-year girl with no strings attached.
But the big question for Sheen, who co-stars with Lohan in Scary Movie 5, was whether or not Lohan behaved herself on the set of his show, Anger Management, on which she appears in an upcoming episode. The answer, of course, is no. Hell no. He basically accused her of hijacking the show and stealing more jewelry. In fact, he might as well have just accused her of giving him herpes. Sure, we’d laugh and say, “Yeah, she gave you herpes” but hey, it was worth a shot.
If your grandmother were here she would say, “no good deed goes unpunished”, because Lindsay Lohan was all over town last week, desperate to borrow a fancy dress for the amFAR gala, and was only successful when Charlie Sheen arranged for celebrity stylist Phillip Bloch to loan her one. And it was beautiful; a beaded full-length gown from Hollywood favorite Theia worth $1750.
But of course this is a Lindsay Lohan story, so, naturally, within a matter of hours, she was in a bar with a pair of scissors cutting the gown in half.
“She said that the dress had ripped (and) she couldn’t possibly wear it like that — so her stylist friend went to the club bouncer and requested some scissors to repair the torn part of the dress,” a source tells Us Weekly. “But what bouncer has scissors?”
Wouldn’t it be amazing if one day you woke up and read a story where Lindsay Lohan wasn’t a complete cunt? I think my legs would kick out and my hat would pop off my head like in cartoons.
CHARLIE SHEEN – will pay the $10,000 needed to buy a golden retriever specially trained to turn on lights, pick up objects, and other everyday situations, for a 15-year-old girl (that he has never met) who was crippled in an accident. In a related story, I waved someone though in traffic today. I’M AN AMAZING MAN! (nydn)
MAYA RUDOLPH – is pregnant for the fourth time. Which beats the number of times I assumed anyone (much less the brilliant Paul Thomas Anderson) would have sex with her by 4. (hollywood reporter)
JERRY BUSS – has owned the Lakers since 1979, during which the team won an amazing 10 championships, died today at the age of 80. Kobe Bryant will try several dozen times but eventually miss the funeral. (la times)
DREW BARRYMORE didn’t wear any makeup to visit an art gallery in Beverly Hills with her husband Will Kopelman, who had to be thrilled by the endless reminders that even ordinary things can be kinda pretty if someone adds some color and applies even the slightest bit of fucking effort. (fame/flynet)