During Charlie Sheens meltdown last year, the most frequent target of his public abuse was Chuck Lorre, the creator of ‘Two And A Half Men’.
Basically, Sheen thought Lorre was an idiot and that the show would be better if everyone would just listen to him. He said, “I’m dealing with fools and trolls,” and “I got magic and poetry in my fingertips,” and “C’mon bro, I won best picture at 20. I wasn’t even trying. I wasn’t even warm.”(1)
Well now Sheen has ‘Anger Management’. He helped create it, he’s the producer, and the opening scene in last nights premiere showed him at the peak of his creative power:
“Management” opens on a tight shot of Charlie on an angry rant … saying, “YOU CAN’T FIRE ME, I QUIT!!”(2)
“You want to replace me with some other guy? Go ahead! It won’t be the same! You think I’m losing! I’m not! I’m … anyway, you get the idea.”
When the camera pulls out, it reveals Charlie is only taking out his anger on an inflatable punching bag.
Ahhh. Do you get it? The whole time you assumed he was in Chuck Lorres office, beating him to death, and the camera would pull back and he’d be covered in blood and begging for mercy. It’s a classic comedy bit (‘The Cosby Show’ and ‘Seinfeld’ also opened with the lead character in an anti-Semitic rage) but it was all a trick; Charlie fooled us with his comedy!
Hopefully you didn’t miss it on account of being either Chuck Lorre (and you were pouting) or a girl that used to date Charlie Sheen (and that POV brought back bad memories of him getting drunk and giving you a few Irish kisses so you spent last night hugging your knees and rocking back and forth in the bathtub).
Charlie Sheens new show ‘Anger Management’ must be amazing because it premieres tonight on FX right after ‘Louie’, which is the best show of any kind on television (except maybe ‘Sherlock’). FX paired these together, and the one with the funniest man on earth is the warm-up for the one with the rambling meth addict, so it must be edgy and hilarious.
As luck would have it, here are a few prominent reviews that I bet will do nothing but confirm that suspicion:
“Putting aside the fact that Sheen is a thug with a penchant for substance abuse and violence against women, ‘Anger Management’ is toxically mediocre.” – the Daily Beast
“It is distressingly average … It is not a train wreck; it’s just a train — chugging along from A to B. The jokes arrive, one by one, on schedule.” – the LA Times
“Patients in the group-therapy sessions are stock sitcom characters … ‘Anger Management’ is at heart a simple, old-fashioned sitcom, with raucous recorded laughter and predictable one-liners.” – the New York Times
“Yet despite the careful attention to image enhancement possibilities, the core ugliness and toxic narcissism of ‘Anger Management’ are impossible to ignore.” – the Huffington Post
Well that sounded promising. Another terrific sign is that the show hasn’t even started yet and Sheen is talking about never acting again in his life.
“Thirty years in, I mean come on. There’s this whole ton of stuff to do that involves my children and the rest of my life that’s not about like worshipping fiction,” Sheen told Fox.
Don’t “come on” me, jackass, I didn’t ask you to stay. I don’t think anyone did. By all means, go, go away and try new things. Suicide, for example.
Here’s a completely shit-faced Charlie Sheen after a Guns N’ Roses concert Friday night in LA. In case you somehow managed to miss his infamous public meltdown and subsequent bullshit claim of sobriety, we’ve come full cirlce. While I’m not stupid enough to have any delusions that this guy ever stopped funneling drugs and booze into his face like a weak-ass Tony Montana without all of the machine-gunning and incest, it’s always great to have proof. Honestly though, the best part of the video is his wranglers desperately shoving him into a car before he not only endorses Sarah Palin’s 2012 Presidential run (?) and coyly hints at his love of heroin. Anybody says “winning” right now, I burn this mother to the ground.
I added a bunch of Denise Richards bikini shots solely as an anti-drug PSA and not at all to laugh at what Charlie Sheen traded for hookers and meth.
It’s not surprising that Charlie Sheen got a little too excited at the prospect of meeting up with a teenager he saw on TV and tweeted his cell number to the public instead of through a DM. What is surprising is that the teenager was a boy. Named Justin Bieber.
(Sheen) thought that he was just sending his digits to the teenage singer but instead his 5.5million followers were able to view the number – until it was swiftly taken down.
Charlie saw the funny side and answered the phone a few times, saying things like ‘Ray’s Pizza’ and ‘Winning.”
‘But his phone just continued ringing and buzzing and eventually just completely melted down. Charlie was like, “I guess I need a new phone.”‘
Charlie Sheen is almost 50, and was getting pranked after posting his number because he wanted to hang out with Justin Bieber. I’m not sure what he should have said when answering the first few calls, but I’m confident the word “winning” doesn’t apply to any of this in even the loosest possible sense.
Considering how fantastically insane Charlie Sheen was just a few months ago, it would be ridiculous to think that he just sort of magically healed overnight and pretend all that other stuff never happened and then go into business with him. But Hollywood is dumb like that so that’s what they’re gonna do.
Specifically FX has ordered 10 episodes of the sitcom based on ‘Anger Management’, with Sheen producing and starring in the Jack Nicholson role. On top of that they have the option to buy 90 more if the initial ratings are good and if by some miracle Sheen is still alive 3 months from now.
For the most part, working in Hollywood is just like working anywhere else. All people really want is to go to work, do their job the best they can, and then go home. Which is why it should come as no surprise that the crew of ‘Two And A Half Men’ prefer working with dullard Ashton Kutcher over, um, “fun loving” Charlie Sheen.
Here’s what two of Sheen’s old worker-bees had to say:
“[Ashton] is really a nice guy. Just a nice guy. And he’s OK on set. He gets the job done—that’s what we all want.”
“He’s just not as funny as Charlie. Not that we’d want Charlie back if you doubled our salaries.”
You hear that?
The guys (and gals) who were having trouble paying their mortgages during one of Sheen’s notorious AWOL meltdowns, do not—repeat—do not want him back.
They are very, very clear about that.
But they also freely volunteer that the show, in their veteran opinions, ”just isn’t the same anymore,” and that they find Sheen’s substitute to be more of a “safe replacement.”
Uh, yeah, put me squarely on Ashtons side for this one. If I’m a gaffer on that show, I’d much rather be home by 5 than to have Charlie regaling me with why there’s a nail through his dick at midnight.