CHARLIE SHEEN – will pay the $10,000 needed to buy a golden retriever specially trained to turn on lights, pick up objects, and other everyday situations, for a 15-year-old girl (that he has never met) who was crippled in an accident. In a related story, I waved someone though in traffic today. I’M AN AMAZING MAN! (nydn)
MAYA RUDOLPH – is pregnant for the fourth time. Which beats the number of times I assumed anyone (much less the brilliant Paul Thomas Anderson) would have sex with her by 4. (hollywood reporter)
JERRY BUSS – has owned the Lakers since 1979, during which the team won an amazing 10 championships, died today at the age of 80. Kobe Bryant will try several dozen times but eventually miss the funeral. (la times)
DREW BARRYMORE didn’t wear any makeup to visit an art gallery in Beverly Hills with her husband Will Kopelman, who had to be thrilled by the endless reminders that even ordinary things can be kinda pretty if someone adds some color and applies even the slightest bit of fucking effort. (fame/flynet)
Angus Jones, the little kid from ‘Two and a Half Men’, tells something called Voice of Prophecy that the only half man we should have in our lives is our lord and savior Jesus Christ (that works better if you pretend he was sawed in half instead of crucified).
“If you watch Two and a Half Men, please stop watching Two and a Half Men. I’m on Two and a Half Men and I don’t want to be on it. Please stop watching it and filling your head with filth. People say it’s just entertainment. Do some research on the effects of television and your brain, and I promise you you’ll have a decision to make when it comes to television, especially with what you watch.”
I really don’t think that’s true. Who would call that show entertainment?
“If I am doing any harm, I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be contributing to the enemy’s plan. … You cannot be a true God-fearing person and be on a television show like that. I know I can’t. I’m not OK with what I’m learning, what the Bible says and being on that television show.”
You may have already guessed this, but “the enemy” is Satan. And according to this, his plan is for you to watch sitcom on CBS. He’s clearly scaled his ambitions back a little since the stuff in the bible about enslaving humanity.
Lindsay Lohan was hired to do a scene making fun of her legal and professional issues in a brief cameo with Charlie Sheen in ‘Scary Movie 5’ (spoiler alert) , and so far, that’s going just like everything else Lindsay has ever been hired for.
“Lindsay missed every meeting she had for the film, including script reads and wardrobe meetings. Then she missed her flight to Atlanta on Sunday to shoot the movie. The producers had been getting signs Friday that she was a mess, and would not be fit to work.”
…a call was scheduled to discuss (issues she had with) the script, and Lohan missed that too.
Oh, but not because she’s a cunt who changed her mind about the movie, but because the poor little lamb has one foot in the grave.
(Lindsay) began saying she couldn’t do the film because she had “walking pneumonia,” and went to a hospital Sunday to get her lungs checked.
“She is under contract — so to get out of it, she had to prove that she was sick,” said a source. “She tried to prove she has walking pneumonia.”
First of all, according to WebMD, “you could have walking pneumonia and not even know it … People who have walking pneumonia are seldom confined to bed or need to be hospitalized. Some may even feel well enough go to work and carry on with other regular routines, just as they might with a cold.”
But there’s no way Lindsay would know that because she’s an idiot. She just knows pneumonia is bad and with “walking” in front of it, she’s picturing ‘the Walking Dead’. At the very least she’ll take the x-rays of her lungs and draw “germs” on them (little squiggly circles with X’s for eyes and their tongues sticking out), at most she’ll smear her eyeliner and lipstick, walk slowly up to the producers while moaning like a zombie and bite one of their arms. Either way… awesome.
Though he could have selfishly spent it on more teen prostitutes and stylish hats, Charlie Sheen has pledged to donate 1% of the profits from his FX show “Anger Management”, or a minimum of $1 million, to the USO. The NY Daily News says…
The funds have been earmarked for the USO’s Operation Enduring Care campaign, which is helping to build two new USO Centers to support ill and injured troops and their families. One will be at Walter Reed/Bethesda Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland, the other at Fort Belvoir, N.J.
“It’s an honor for me to be able to give back to these men and women of the military who have done so much for all of us,” Sheen said in a statement.
“They put their lives on the line for us every day, and I’m just happy that my work on ‘Anger Management’ can bring a little bit of relief to the troops and their families.”
Charlie Sheen is still an unstable lunatic, but that can be exhausting so when not being that he’s reportedly a very nice guy. It’s not as if he can just sit around doing it with porn stars 24 hours a day. Trust me on that. You need to rest at some point. Those videos expect me to perform every time.
During Charlie Sheens meltdown last year, the most frequent target of his public abuse was Chuck Lorre, the creator of ‘Two And A Half Men’.
Basically, Sheen thought Lorre was an idiot and that the show would be better if everyone would just listen to him. He said, “I’m dealing with fools and trolls,” and “I got magic and poetry in my fingertips,” and “C’mon bro, I won best picture at 20. I wasn’t even trying. I wasn’t even warm.”(1)
Well now Sheen has ‘Anger Management’. He helped create it, he’s the producer, and the opening scene in last nights premiere showed him at the peak of his creative power:
“Management” opens on a tight shot of Charlie on an angry rant … saying, “YOU CAN’T FIRE ME, I QUIT!!”(2)
“You want to replace me with some other guy? Go ahead! It won’t be the same! You think I’m losing! I’m not! I’m … anyway, you get the idea.”
When the camera pulls out, it reveals Charlie is only taking out his anger on an inflatable punching bag.
Ahhh. Do you get it? The whole time you assumed he was in Chuck Lorres office, beating him to death, and the camera would pull back and he’d be covered in blood and begging for mercy. It’s a classic comedy bit (‘The Cosby Show’ and ‘Seinfeld’ also opened with the lead character in an anti-Semitic rage) but it was all a trick; Charlie fooled us with his comedy!
Hopefully you didn’t miss it on account of being either Chuck Lorre (and you were pouting) or a girl that used to date Charlie Sheen (and that POV brought back bad memories of him getting drunk and giving you a few Irish kisses so you spent last night hugging your knees and rocking back and forth in the bathtub).
Charlie Sheens new show ‘Anger Management’ must be amazing because it premieres tonight on FX right after ‘Louie’, which is the best show of any kind on television (except maybe ‘Sherlock’). FX paired these together, and the one with the funniest man on earth is the warm-up for the one with the rambling meth addict, so it must be edgy and hilarious.
As luck would have it, here are a few prominent reviews that I bet will do nothing but confirm that suspicion:
“Putting aside the fact that Sheen is a thug with a penchant for substance abuse and violence against women, ‘Anger Management’ is toxically mediocre.” – the Daily Beast
“It is distressingly average … It is not a train wreck; it’s just a train — chugging along from A to B. The jokes arrive, one by one, on schedule.” – the LA Times
“Patients in the group-therapy sessions are stock sitcom characters … ‘Anger Management’ is at heart a simple, old-fashioned sitcom, with raucous recorded laughter and predictable one-liners.” – the New York Times
“Yet despite the careful attention to image enhancement possibilities, the core ugliness and toxic narcissism of ‘Anger Management’ are impossible to ignore.” – the Huffington Post
Well that sounded promising. Another terrific sign is that the show hasn’t even started yet and Sheen is talking about never acting again in his life.
“Thirty years in, I mean come on. There’s this whole ton of stuff to do that involves my children and the rest of my life that’s not about like worshipping fiction,” Sheen told Fox.
Don’t “come on” me, jackass, I didn’t ask you to stay. I don’t think anyone did. By all means, go, go away and try new things. Suicide, for example.