Thursday headlines, with sex tapes and lawsuits

By brendon July 21, 2011 @ 2:00 PM

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MARILYN MONROE – allegedly is the star of a newly discovered 8mm film showing her having sex when she was 20. The owner is trying to sell it, though hopefully this is just a police sting to identify guys who want to watch a girl who’s been dead for 50 years have sex. (cbs)

SNOOKI AND MIKE TYSON – are 2 of the names being mentioned to face off on ‘Dancing With The Stars’. And hopefully in an assault trial after that. Guess which one is the defendant in my little day dream. (us)

CHARLIE SHEEN – always brags about his sexual prowess, but Bree Olson says they usually had sex just once a day. Surprisingly, that one-a-day limit was not her idea. (sun)

CAPTAIN AMERICA – opens tomorrow and so far 71 percent of the reviews have been good. I wish I could say the same for my Captain America outfit. Those kids were pretty mean as I waited in line to buy my ticket. Fine, be a bunch of jerks, I hate this stupid theater anyway! (rotten tomatoes)

KIM KARDASHIAN – is suing Old Navy for $20 million because she thinks the girl in thier new ad looks too much like her (this girl). Apparently she feels it should be illegal for other girls to have a face. (ny daily news)

Charlie Sheen has a new TV show (not really, btw)

By brendon July 18, 2011 @ 3:33 PM

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Hollywood is apparently under the impression that ‘Anger Management’, Adam Sandlers 6th most popular movie that was released 8 years ago, has been begging to be turned into a TV show. And so that’s what they’re gonna do, and as Charlie Sheens can’t-miss comeback project no less!

Entertainment Tonight declares…

“It’s official. Charlie Sheen is returning to sitcom TV.”

Except that he’s not. All he’s doing is filming a pilot. There’s no network set to air it yet. That part is generally considered to be pretty important.

Loosely based on the 2003 comedy starring Adam Sandler and Jack Nicholson, the new show would find Sheen in the Nicholson role as an anger management counselor who seems to have a few anger issues of his own.
The project reunites the former “Two and a Half Men” star with producer Joe Roth, who worked with him on such films as ‘Major League,’ ‘Young Guns’ and ‘Three Musketeers.’

Oh, well if Joe Roth is producing it, it’s bound to be good.

“I chose ‘Anger Management’ because, while it might be a big stretch for me to play a guy with serious anger management issues, I think it is a great concept,” Sheen says. “It also provides me with real ownership in the series, a certain amount of creative control and the chance to be back in business with one of my favorite movie producers of all time, Joe Roth.”

First of all, casting Sheen in the Nicholson role, where he has to do lots of yelling, is a dumb idea. It’s the opposite of every comedy Sheen has ever done. Second of all, this is just a pilot. The 4 major networks ordered 39 sitcom pilots last year. Only 9 of those ever actually made it on the air (*).  At best this will end up on second-tier basic cable, on some channel that needs attention.  No real network is gonna trust Charlie Sheen with a TV show.  I wouldn’t even trust Charlie Sheen to have the fucking remote.

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Charlie Sheen did steroids for Major League

By brendon June 29, 2011 @ 9:16 AM

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During a simple enough “where are they now” article for Sports Illustrated about the 1989 baseball comedy ‘Major League’, Charlie Sheen admitted to doing steroids to play a pitcher with a devastating fastball. Because that’s what fastball pitchers look like. They’re mountains of pure muscle.

“Let’s just say that I was enhancing my performance a little bit. It was the only time I ever did steroids. I did them for like six or eight weeks. You can print this, I don’t give a f-. My fastball went from 79 to like 85.”

Is dipshit even thinking of the right movie? Because in ‘Major League’ he had the upper body of a 7th grader, but he was like 30 pounds heavier when he filmed ‘Hot Shots 2′ four years later. I get the feeling he’s screwing this story up. I get the feeling timelines aren’t exactly his specialty. “We filmed it in 1988. A six-pack cost about a dollar, Clinton had just begun his second term, while down in South America the Kaiser had just rolled his tanks into Poland.”

Charlie Sheen is single

By brendon June 27, 2011 @ 11:23 AM

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Good news if you’re an average looking young girl who can endure the pathetic rambling of a brain damaged drug addict and lick his old grey balls in exchange for publicity, because Charlie Sheen is 100 percent single again.

Charlie Sheen’s remaining goddess, Natalie Kenly, moved out of Sheen’s pad last week. But the model didn’t get to keep her fifteen minutes of fame and her sweet ride … (he) demanded that Kenly return the Mercedes he purchased for her.
But still referring to himself in the third person, Sheen was cavalier about the split telling sources, it’s “not a common thing for the Masheen.”

Ah, yes. Good one, Charlie. The “Masheen”. I get it. Because you’re a machine. That’s why things are going so well. That’s why you’re broke and alone and the movie roles and huge paydays you kept saying were gonna happen never did and girls with self-respect are disgusted by you.

But if there’s a girl who doesn’t have any dignity, by all means, step right up. Oh, and when you’re vagina turns black after having sex with him, don’t worry. “Normal” might not be the right word but it happens to all the girls.

(image source = wenn)

Charlie Sheen borrowed $10M from Warner Bros. last year

By brendon May 17, 2011 @ 12:46 PM

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Back in March it was reported that Charlie Sheen was essentially broke, which seemed impossible because, in 8 seasons, he filmed 177 episodes of ‘Two And A Half Men’. The first year he made $160,000 a week. $3.84 million for the year. After that he was paid $850,000 for each of the next 137 episodes. That’s a total of $116,450,000. Last year he got a raise paying a total of around $2 million a week, or $32 million for the season.

All together, he made over $152 million dollars.

And yet…

TMZ has obtained Charlie’s contract for Season 7 (2010 – 2011).  The document — dated May 17, 2010 — requires Warner Bros. to pay Charlie $10 million within 10 days of the date Charlie signed.  Charlie was then obligated to pay the money back during the first 13 episodes.
Charlie was fired after the 16th episode, so Warner Bros. got its money back.
As for why Charlie needed the money … unclear.

Oh, is it “unclear”? Is it really? I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that he blew it on drugs and prostitutes. I can’t explain it. I’ve just got this feeling.

Charlie Sheen is “destroyed” to lose Two And A Half Men

By brendon May 16, 2011 @ 1:25 AM

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It should probably go without saying that if you go on TV with two prostitutes and explain in great detail about how much you love drugs and call your boss a “pussy punk” and “piece of shit” among other things, and cost your employer $250 million, that might burn a few bridges at work.

But apparently it’s news to Charlie Sheen, because he’s been waiting all this time for CBS to invite him back to ‘Two And A Half Men’, and he’s genuinely shocked now that he’s been replaced by Ashton Kutcher. Popeater says…

“He really thought that he would be invited back,” a friend of Charlie’s tells me. “After years of suffering no consequences for his behavior, why would he think anything else? Finally it has sunk in that he doesn’t live by different rules to everyone else. Actions do have a consequences.”
My source reveals that the casting has hit him hard and that the lack of other offers has weighed heavily on him.
“He is destroyed that Ashton is replacing him. Destroyed,” the friend says. “We are all worried that he hasn’t hit bottom yet and that this could make him spiral out of control again. Especially after all the other productions that he assumed would happen have fell apart.”
Shortly after Charlie was fired he hinted that he was in talks with FOX and HDNet and that he expected to get paid $1 million for a Vanity Fair interview. None of which has yet to be confirmed.

It truly is beyond belief if Sheen thought he would get invited back by Warner Brothers. It would be like Mohamed Atta applying for a job at American.