CBS will replace Charlie Sheen with Ashton Kutcher

By brendon May 13, 2011 @ 9:07 AM

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It’s just a few days until CBS hosts their upfront (when networks basically stage a huge convention and party and present next seasons shows to advertisers so they buy commercial space now, hence the term “upfront”) so it’s pretty important that they have a cast in place for the highest rated comedy on television, ‘Two And A Half Men’. Which is the only reason I can think of for them to settle on Ashton Kutcher to replace Charlie Sheen.

Broadcasting and Cable broke the story last night, then Kutcher went on his twitter and posted that square root question in the headline (the answer is 2.5 of course), and today the Hollywood Reporter says the deal is all but done.

Two sources (say Kutcher) is putting the final touches on a deal to replace Charlie Sheen as the star of TV’s No. 1 comedy.
CBS, Warner Bros. and Kutcher’s reps at CAA declined to comment on the situation but a deal is said to be all but signed. The exact dollar figure he will be paid is not known but a source says Kutcher is getting a “huge payday” to join the hit sitcom.
The deal came together quickly in the wake of Hugh Grant passing on the opportunity to join the show. Now sources say Men creator Chuck Lorre has crafted a storyline to introduce Kutcher in a way that satisfies the network and studio. “It’s really funny,” says one source. “People are going to love it.”

Woah, easy dude. Let’s not get carried away and start throwing around words like “love” and “funny” when describing Ashton Kutcher or ‘Two And A Half Men’. Ashton hasn’t been in anything good for 10 years, and that includes Demi Moore.

Charlie Sheen got dumped by Bree Olson

By brendon April 25, 2011 @ 1:51 PM

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If there’s one thing I know about porn stars, it’s that they’re perfect girlfriend material. Steady as a rock, they are. So I was surprised when pictures of Charlie Sheen on his Torpedo of Truth tour last week only showed him with one goddess, only one of his two girlfriends, and zero hot ones. Where was Bree Olson?

That was rhetorical, by the way. She went home, and she went on twitter.

“It feels SO GOOD to be home! I was very homesick so it’s good to be back with my family and friends. I love home, Dr.Sniffles & you guys!”

And now Sheen says she’s officially broken up with him, he got punked by Dr. Sniffles, and she did in a text message no less. The Hollywood Reporter says

The actor kicked off the show by revealing that one of his goddesses, Rachel “Bree” Olson, had broken up with him via text message. During the Q&A session later, one fan asked Sheen how he handled two women at once without turning to polygamy. He replied, “Not well, because one left.”

Not only did he get dumped, but he had to give away tickets to this show in Ft. Lauderdale, and even then it was only about a third full. Aww, poor Charlie. Looks like someone could use a pick-me-up bouquet. It has a teddy bear holding a heart!

(image source = splash news)

Charlie Sheen is still a boring old drunk

By brendon April 20, 2011 @ 12:13 PM

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Charlie Sheen still has another 9 tour dates planned for his Torpedo of Truth tour, and if there’s a city on there that wants to hear a bitter washed up drunk sit still and mumble, he should be all set.

Last night he was on stage in DC, while everyone else was in the parking lot on the way home. The Washington Post says the, “crowd quaked with catcalls whenever Sheen wasn’t talking about doing drugs or manhandling women”, and when he tried to get profound…

“SHUT THE [EXPLETIVE] UP AND SAY SOMETHING WEIRD,” someone yelled.

TMZ said…

Charlie Sheen’s got another bomb on his hands — our spies in D.C. tell us people are pouring out of his show early tonight.

And the Washington Times wrote…

Throughout the evening, attendees boo’ed, left the auditorium, and screamed for Sheen to “be funnier.”

So apparently the nicest thing that can be said about this is that, in that last review, if you crossed out some of the words and only read is, “attendees boo’ed … and screamed”, it sort of makes it sound like a haunted house.

Charlie Sheen lost big in court today

By brendon April 19, 2011 @ 4:25 PM

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It might seem weird for a judge in a custody case to decide that a mother who is in drug rehab because she relapsed last week is still a fit parent, but in this case the father is Charlie Sheen. And he came to court with a prostitute. “Fit parent” is a relative term. Radar says…

Sheen lost his fight against his estranged wife Brooke Mueller for full custody of their two-year-old twin sons, Max and Bob.
According to a source, a judge in Los Angeles presiding over a closed door hearing just allowed Mueller to maintain primary legal and physical custody despite a well-publicized relapse in her crack cocaine addiction.
(While) Mueller undergoes drug treatment at an undisclosed rehab facility, her mother will provide primary care for the boys.

Obviously the real victim in this case is me and you. We’re the ones who are gonna get run over by those bastard kids in 15 years. Not only should they be taken away from both of these dipshits immediately, they should be whacked in the head until they forget where they came from and then given a blood transfusion with blood from Drew Brees or someone good like that.

Warner Bros is getting tired of Charlie Sheen

By brendon April 14, 2011 @ 4:09 PM

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Charlie Sheen (seen here being mobbed by ones of fans as he arrives in Toronto for another “Torpedo of Truth” show) has been saying lately that he’s in talks with Warner Bros. about returning to Two and a Half Men, and even said there’s an 85 percent chance that they’ll ask him to come back.

This is all news to Warner Bros. of course, because none of that is actually happening, so today they sent a letter to Sheens attorney telling him to shut the hell up.

“Those statements are false.  As you know, there have been no discussions, there are no discussions and there will be no discussions, regarding his returning to or having any involvement with the series.”

Ah-ha! So Sheen was telling the truth! Notice how Warner Bros. ducked the issue and never actually mentioned if there were any discussions. There’s a lot of wiggle room in this letter, and that’s all good news for Sheen. WINNING!!!

(image source = splash news)

Charlie Sheen hints he’ll get his job back, is lying

By brendon April 13, 2011 @ 9:56 PM

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Charlie Sheen has done everything but beg for his job back at Two and a Half Men, saying he would do it for the fans when in reality he’s desperate for money, but no matter what the reason, Sheen said tonight it might really happen.

Deadline writes…

Sheen has been hinting about a possible return to Two and a Half Men for the past week. Tonight, he dropped the biggest hint so far in a radio interview with Boston sports station WBZ-FM. “There’ve been discussions, but I was asked not to divulge anything,” he said.

It’s hard not to notice that he was asked not to divulge anything and yet here he is divulging things. Not that it matters because he’s making this whole thing up.

TMZ sources directly connected to the production of the show insist Charlie will NEVER be invited back.
Charlie has been almost pleading for his job back, even making the pitch during his show.  And behind the scenes Charlie’s people have been making calls, but Warner Bros. has closed the book on Charlie.

So there are no negotiations. Or if there are it’s only with the imaginary people in his head, and even they didn’t trust him to not go run his mouth about it in public. In fact they were kind of condescending. If Charlie can’t even get his own hallucinations to take him seriously, I see no reason why we should.