Charlie Sheen was on CNN last night with Piers Morgan, who asked Sheen if he’s ever hit a woman. Before we get to Sheens answer, here are a few examples of times he’s hit a woman.

- He shot Kelly Preston. (imdb)
- He hit a UCLA co-ed in the back of the head after she refused to sleep with him. (people)
- He flung Brittany Ashland to the ground, which split open her lip and would require 7 stitches. (e!)
- He held a knife to the throat of his wife Brooke Mueller. (daily mail)
- He threatened to kill Denise Richards and Capri Anderson. (people, nydn)

Okay so here’s what Sheen said…

“I have not, no. No, women are not to be hit. They’re to be hugged and caressed, you know?
“I’m sorry, there was an incident years ago, and everybody thought I hit her. I was trying to contain her. I had her arms and we both went to the ground… her initials are B.A.”

That would be Brittany Ashland. He didn’t mention that she needed stitches in her lip. Maybe he forgot. Luckily her attorney has issued a statement to remind him about that and a few other details.

“(Sheen) failed to state that he was charged with one count of battery with serious injury … He entered a plea of no contest to that charge. No contest has the same effect as a guilty plea for his crime.
“For that conviction, he was sentenced to one year jail time, which was suspended. In addition, he was sentenced to two years of probation, $1,200.00 fine, 300 hours of community service and eight counseling sessions.”

Sheen thinks he’s cool because he takes these girls shopping and on trips, but those guys who took Liam Neeseons daughter in Taken bought her a new dress and took her on a boat too. So what you do with the girl before and after is also kind of a big deal, as it turns out.

Charlie Sheen was on both Good Morning America and the Today show this morning, though the two interviews were essentially interchangeable since he was way too high to make any sense in either one.

He didn’t say how he got to the interview all the way from Fantasyland, but I assume he rode there on a griffin, because the highlight was him saying that CBS owes him an apology, “publicly, while licking my feet”, and him going into great detail about how much he loves drugs, but that he would consider going back to work on Two and a Half Men, if he got a raise from $1.8 million an episode to 3 million, PLUS a 20 million dollar signing bonus.

And to sweeten the pot even more, as if CBS needed it, he’s also suing them.

On ABC, Sheen said to correspondent Andrea Canning that he planned to sue his bosses.
“Wouldn’t you? I’ve got a whole family to support and love. People beyond me are relying on that. I’m here to collect. They’re going to lose. They’re going to lose in a courtroom, so I would recommend that they settle out of court.”

And if that still wasn’t enough to convince CBS to sign him to a huge new contract, maybe this love letter he wrote to cocaine and getting high will.

Sheen said that he’s bored now with cocaine. But he said he “exposed people to magic” when they partied with him and that he loved doing drugs.
“What’s not to love?” he said on ABC. “Especially when you see how I party. It was epic. The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards just look like droopy-eyed armless children.”
“I am on a drug,” Sheen said. “It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

If he does another interview I hope someone flicks the lights off real quick because I bet he’s so high that he would glow in the dark. I’d also like to see them put some plants near him and a timer on the screen to watch how quickly they die.