By Lex January 06, 2014 @ 1:50 PM
I don’t know what voodoo power resides in the Penn penis but it’s fucking disturbing. It’s some black sorcery that the NSA ought to investigate rather than listening to me talk dirty to a woman who I secretly worry is really a man. We can’t let Al Qaeda get their hands on that magic cock. Charlize Theron isn’t exactly the homely chick looking to settle. Sean Penn whipped out his shaft and told Charlize she would be taking his gift for the next three to six months. Charlize nodded her head compliantly, turned on the soundtrack to Colors, and told Sean to tag her like a vato. When Sean was spent, Charlize got in line at Starbucks to get her master a half-soy latte. Sean sat in the car pensively wondering how many more years he had before the devil came to collect on his soul.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex December 31, 2013 @ 6:18 PM
Guess what, bub. Life isn’t fair. 2013, the year before, the coming year, makes no difference. Sean Penn gets to bang Scarlett Johansson, now Charlize Theron. Next he’ll travel back to the 70′s and nail pre-ass cancer Farrah and scale Mount Olympus with his HGH popping older man muscles and rail the snot out of Aphrodite. It doesn’t make sense. I know. But it’s happening. You could lay back and be thankful for all the gifts in your life. But where the hell will that get you? You think Bill Gates stopped making his shitty software when the rest of the world started making everything better and cheaper? No. He destroyed and bullied the entire world into submission and put out ten even more crappy versions of Windows and whatever the fuck Access is. Don’t let Sean Penn get all the good pussy. You know you deserve it more than he does. Build a machine that will destroy him and launch it on no-return autopilot in case you lose the will to go through with what must be done. You didn’t hear that from me, but let me know when it’s done.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Splash
By Travis December 10, 2013 @ 12:00 PM
Charlize Theron and Bono were among the celebrities and political leaders who gathered at the FNB Stadium in Johannesburg, South Africa this morning to pay tribute to Nelson Mandela, and boy did it look like they were having a good time. They were probably talking about what a comic genius Mandela was known as among his friends, with jokes like, “Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was forced to live separate from others” and “Knock knock…” “Who’s there?” “Me, I just got out of prison after 28 years!” In fact, if Mandela hadn’t just passed away, he probably would have been hanging out on his futon with Charlize, just watching old episodes of Seinfeld.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex May 06, 2013 @ 1:49 PM
I hate to see a good looking woman flipping people off. What could possibly make a wealthy, attractive, award-winning woman like Charlize Theron so angry? I’m guessing it’s her horrible haircut. It looks like the ‘Steve’ at my local Supercuts where you now point to a photo of a guy in a picture array whose hair you want. Unless you speak decent Serbian, it’s really for the best. I’ve been there dozens of times and never heard anybody call for the ‘Steve’. ‘Steve’ looks like a retard. I guess Charlize messed up and now she’s flipping the middle finger. Fucking, Steve hair.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Travis April 10, 2013 @ 11:00 AM
Now that he has so bravely moved on after dumping Emilia Clarke, Seth MacFarlane reportedly had dinner with Charlize Theron in Beverly Hills on Monday night to discuss Seth’s next directing effort, A Million Ways to Die in the West, in which he also stars and she plays the female lead. A source told E! that the two definitely aren’t dating and that “he’s not her type”, which is true, because she’s an Academy Award-winning actress and he was the ninth funniest person at the Donald Trump Roast.
But this is how a guy like Seth works. First, he hosts the Oscars and has someone introduce them, then he casts her in a movie, and eventually she breaks down and says, “Fine, I’ll sleep with you, just stop doing the fucking Stewie voice.”
(Photo Credit: SPW/Splash News)
Last night was The 85th Annual Academy Awards and I’m completely ashamed to say I watched the entire thing. To sum it up, Seth MacFarlane did surprisingly not shitty, Jennifer Lawrence fell down, the Best Director winner was bullshit, Ben Affleck got snubbed, then didn’t and George Clooney kept getting free scotch thrown at him for smiling every time someone joked he banged and/or will bang somebody like nine-year-old Quvenzhané Wallis (Actual Seth MacFarlane joke.) who already had to deal with Daniel Day Lewis demanding she thank him backstage. This shouldn’t fuck a kid up.
(Images of celebs who showed up to last night’s Oscars with varying degrees of cleavage or dumb-looking faces = Getty)