Charlize Theron’s Adopted Baby Plotting His Escape Back to Africa

By Lex February 04, 2014 @ 5:33 PM

One minute you’re enjoying life in an African orphanage and next thing you know, some white chick from the movies whisks you to an entirely new continent to have play dates with adopted Chinese babies and to meet her latest boyfriend on the beach. You might be just two-years old, but you know this old steroid freak with a violent criminal record is going to fuck up your new white baby mama something fierce. You don’t need that shit. Better to be eaten by Simba because somebody left the backdoor open at the orphanage overnight. When you’re a black kid in a shitty country, you know the sight of Sean Penn is the worst kind of omen. You tell him to drop the grain bags and fly the fuck out of there before his girlfriend gobbles up any more of the healthy babies.

Photo credit: INF Photos

Charlize Theron Sucks At Hide And Seek

By Travis January 17, 2014 @ 2:25 PM

Charlize Theron stopped by the Coffee Bean in Los Angeles the other day for a little pick-me-up, but then the strangest thing happened. I could have sworn that these photos showed her walking out of the store one minute, but the next minute she just completely vanished. All that was left where she once stood was a floating coffee cup. She must be some kind of a magician or a wicked sorceress to pull off this kind of black magic, but hopefully she knows how to bring herself back from whichever alternate dimension she warped herself to.

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Charlize Theron Helps Sean Penn Help Haiti

By Lex January 13, 2014 @ 7:09 PM

Charlize Theron and Sean Penn Arrive At The 3rd Annual Sean Penn And Friends HELP HAITI HOME Gala
Hard to believe it’s already the third annual Sean Penn and Friends Help Haiti Gala. Let’s not be coy here, Sean Penn doesn’t have any friends. This is all Sean Penn. He’s lifting Haiti like mighty Atlas, aided only by as much liquid human growth hormone as Charlize Theron is willing to shoot into his scaly ass cheeks without getting the willies. When Sean Penn first started his mission in post-Earthquake Haiti, the nation was as downtrodden, impoverished, and corrupt a nation as you’d find on this planet. Three years later and you could easily argue that Congo is worse. Sometimes, making a difference means putting on a suit and showing off your hot new young girlfriend at a Beverly Hills hotel. Sean Penn will do that. Three times now.

Photo Credit: PCN

Sean Penn Banged Charlize Theron Then Made Her Get Him a Coffee

By Lex January 06, 2014 @ 1:50 PM

Charlize Theron Goes On A Coffee Run As Sean Penn Waits In The Car In Los Angeles
I don’t know what voodoo power resides in the Penn penis but it’s fucking disturbing. It’s some black sorcery that the NSA ought to investigate rather than listening to me talk dirty to a woman who I secretly worry is really a man. We can’t let Al Qaeda get their hands on that magic cock. Charlize Theron isn’t exactly the homely chick looking to settle. Sean Penn whipped out his shaft and told Charlize she would be taking his gift for the next three to six months. Charlize nodded her head compliantly, turned on the soundtrack to Colors, and told Sean to tag her like a vato. When Sean was spent, Charlize got in line at Starbucks to get her master a half-soy latte. Sean sat in the car pensively wondering how many more years he had before the devil came to collect on his soul.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Sean Penn Now Getting Into Charlize Theron

By Lex December 31, 2013 @ 6:18 PM

Charlize Theron In A Bikini At The Beach In Hawaii
Guess what, bub. Life isn’t fair. 2013, the year before, the coming year, makes no difference. Sean Penn gets to bang Scarlett Johansson, now Charlize Theron. Next he’ll travel back to the 70′s and nail pre-ass cancer Farrah and scale Mount Olympus with his HGH popping older man muscles and rail the snot out of Aphrodite. It doesn’t make sense. I know. But it’s happening. You could lay back and be thankful for all the gifts in your life. But where the hell will that get you? You think Bill Gates stopped making his shitty software when the rest of the world started making everything better and cheaper? No. He destroyed and bullied the entire world into submission and put out ten even more crappy versions of Windows and whatever the fuck Access is. Don’t let Sean Penn get all the good pussy. You know you deserve it more than he does. Build a machine that will destroy him and launch it on no-return autopilot in case you lose the will to go through with what must be done. You didn’t hear that from me, but let me know when it’s done.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Splash

Charlize Theron and Bono had a Blast at Nelson Mandela’s Memorial Service

By Travis December 10, 2013 @ 12:00 PM

Charlize Theron and Bono were among the celebrities and political leaders who gathered at the FNB Stadium in Johannesburg, South Africa this morning to pay tribute to Nelson Mandela, and boy did it look like they were having a good time. They were probably talking about what a comic genius Mandela was known as among his friends, with jokes like, “Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was forced to live separate from others” and “Knock knock…” “Who’s there?” “Me, I just got out of prison after 28 years!” In fact, if Mandela hadn’t just passed away, he probably would have been hanging out on his futon with Charlize, just watching old episodes of Seinfeld.

Photo Credit: Getty