Every year the Hasty Pudding Theatricals group at Harvard dresses up to present their Man and Woman of the Year Awards, and every year it's, "your parents just died" level funny.  This year they dressed in drag.  Last year, they dressed in drag.  They year before that … drag.  Every year since 1951?  Drag.  Oh tee-hee, tee-hee.  "My goodness, that gentlemen … is dressed as a lady!  Imagine that!"  The only people who find this kind of thing funny need to be dug up out of a grave.  The last time anyone who wasn't some Harvard fag thought this kind of thing was funny, they also thought that the coloreds shouldn't be allowed to vote and that taking the railroads west is where the big money will be.  Then they ordered the Chinaman tending bar at their mens club to mix them another manhattan, chop-chop. 

All you need to know about these Harvard dicks is that Mo Rocca is a former president.  I dare you to be less funny than that.



Whenever Esquire magazine talks about hot chicks it always sounds super fucking creepy.  It's like they found a guy parked near the playground and hired him to do an interview.  Or the guy from egotastic.  This is no exception, as they announce Charlize Theron as this years Sexiest Woman Alive.

CLOSE ON CHARLIZE's face. Her eyes hold the gaze of the camera directly, disarmingly. When she was younger, she looked like she knew she was hot. Now she looks like a person who knows exactly what's going on — everything sorted and rich in the possibility of desire, everything painful and cheap, cruel and unspoken in the world around her — and it does not scare her.

CLOSE ON CHARLIZE's mouth, her lips bent in her particular smile, sexy and knowing, a little bit leering, just sweet enough that you feel wont to assume some connection, some secret between you. This is the big trick of sexiness. The big lie. But it's no trick at all for her. She bites down on the pack of cigarettes and unspools the cellophane with her teeth, a luscious and familiar dissection.

Jesus, settle down you fag.  She's gonna wake up one night and this dude is gonna be masturbating on her foot and he'll have a leather mask on with a zipper where the mouth should be a butchers knife in his free hand.  Which is especially weird since Theron is pretty damn ordinary.  This dude would rip his penis right off if he ever met Jolie.  Like you'd see him doing the interview, and then you'd see him in the ER an hour later with his penis in a glass of milk.



Charlize Theron is in Belize this week with her hunky boyfriend, and when I say "hunky", I mean it in the way like some cookie dough has hunks of real chocolate.  What a catch!  Charlize is a damn weirdo.  There's nothing about any of this that looks like fun.  I'll be honest, I have a picture in my mind when I think of that part of the world.  And it's not good.  Just kids chasing chickens through dirt streets in some village where the huts are all elevated so tigers don't eat you while you sleep.  Just alien like diseases and mud with guerilla armies in the streets and gorilla armies in the jungle.  How relaxing!



I've always heard from people who would know that Charlize Theron is very pleasant but also kinda goofy.  And stuff like this is why:

Oscar winner Charlize Theron didn't need a red carpet to show off her modelicious moves Monday night. Spies outside downtown eatery La Esquina saw the star "putting on a show . . . catwalking in front of the restaurant." One bystander asked, "What's wrong with her?" Another told Page Six, "She was doing that walk for almost five minutes."

So, seriously, she just walked back and forth in front of a window for five minutes?  It was probably one of those reflective ones and she thought it was a mirror and no one was behind it.  This chick should have chaperones 24 hours a day, because there was a report once that said attractive retards like this are often tricked into becoming sex slaves.

*don't I know it, heh heh heh*



Whether Charlize Theron has ever looked this hot before is really up to you and your penis, but I'm pretty sure she hasn't.  She was pretty doughy just a few months ago, but now I'm all set to award her the title of Best Ass in Hollywood.  Winning the Best Ass award is a complicated and technical process with incredibly strict regulations of governing procedure.  I don't happen to know what any of those regulations are because I made the title up just now, but it mostly involves bending over and occasionally having your suit turn into a thong.