Chelsea Handler Seems Really Fucking Bored

By Lex December 02, 2014 @ 10:54 AM

Chelsea Handler Posts Butt Photo To Instagram
Chelsea Handler is now the person who retired too soon from work without any pressing hobby. I remember this well from when I was younger and grandpa suddenly started calling to talk about hockey. If I were Chelsea Handler I’d spend my days thanking the Santería statue I rubbed each day to give me fame and fortune in a career I was maybe half good at and having sex with handsome young men looking for a break in Hollywood. That’s the gold watch of retirement in this town. Posting bare ass and tit shots on social media is better left to the daughters of men who wish they’d had a son. It’s not a fun game if you’re the only one enjoying it.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Chelsea Handler Tits Again

By Lex November 25, 2014 @ 12:13 PM

Chelsea Handler Bare Breasted On A Stereo
Given all the knee-jerk celebrity Ferguson tweets today, dare I say it’s refreshing to see Chelsea Handler firing off another look at me now bare tit bomb on social media. Fuck yeah. I dare. Tits are better than white liberal guilt even when slung over a boombox like a French fuck and an En Vogue CD comes with each stereo purchase. Chelsea Handler wants attention so very badly. At least her intentions are pure.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Chelsea Handler Not Quitting

By Lex November 18, 2014 @ 12:43 PM

Chelsea Handler Poses In Bikini Style Underwear On Her Twitter
I think we have thirty-seven months until Chelsea Handler’s failed show on Netflix launches. I’m going to wait for the DVDs which means another seven Netflix years before I see her interview the Kardashians, but this time about the really serious stuff. In the interim, Chelsea is adopting the lifestyle of a woman who writes naughty letters to inmates, sending off poorly contrived underwear photos she spent six hours making look perfectly candid. Prisoners are pretty generous with their comments. Us free persons need to hold Chelsea Handler to a higher standard of desperate attention seeking. She needs to add live venomous snakes or drinking red eye cocktails with Bill Cosby in his bungalow. Until then I’d like to find the person taking these photos and ask them on a scale of one to ten how fulfilling they find their job.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Chelsea Handler Seems Somewhat Needy

By Lex November 12, 2014 @ 9:28 AM

Chelsea Handler Posts Booty Pic To Twitter
Somebody please arrange a ceasefire with Chelsea Handler’s naked cries for attention. Maybe we all agree to look at her next photo and give her a ‘I Luvs U Chels!’ and she agrees to be dropped into a hole drilled through the earth’s mantle and see if Gaia shits her out in a Beijing KFC. Nobody seemed to care that Handler shut down her Instagram account after nobody seemed to care about the ruddy topless candids she kept posting. Mark Zuckerberg is an easy target because he weighs maybe a buck twenty and vomits at the sight of female genitalia. Handler’s relocated to Twitter which allows nudity because that is inevitably how they will keep the lights on. I’m not sure where this nude protest eventually leads, I just know I wish it was anybody other than Chelsea Handler.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Chelsea Handler Tits Losing Staying Power

By Lex November 07, 2014 @ 12:35 PM

Chelsea Handler Post Topless Pic To Twitter To Continue To Fight For The Nipple
At this point, Chelsea Handler’s posting pictures of her bare tits to Twitter, Pinterest, and local Yelp restaurant reviews. She’s desperately trying to prove there’s a double standard regarding toplessness in online social media. Or, she’s desperately trying to keep her name in the papers for doing the one thing that will get her notice. I suppose it could be both, if you’re super fucking naive.

The fact that topless males are considered okay with your censoring types and advertisers while topless women are considered verboten is a discussion that goes back to the first time a caveman ever told a cavewoman to cover up her tits. Humans are the only mammals where the females have permanently engorged breasts. I bet you didn’t know that because you don’t watch twelve hours of NatGeo daily. Lady boobs have evolved so as to get man dick to want to spring into action and make babies. The love of tits isn’t a learned behavior for men, it comes preprogrammed in your nads. And it simply can’t be unlearned even with the trauma of Chelsea Handler topless river boating pictures.

Whether or not the Zuckerberg empire should allow tits to be shown is a different matter. Everybody points to Europe as the model of topless gender equality in public imagery. Any time people point to Europe for any reason other than to conquer it, I know they’re probably wrong. I stand by the ban. I have no trouble seeing nice tits on the Internet. We don’t need a sacred forum for the not nice ones.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Chelsea Handler Topless Instagram Protests Aren’t At All Self-Serving

By Lex October 30, 2014 @ 7:57 PM


Chelsea Handler struck a blow against double standards on Instagram by posting a photo of herself topless in identical pose to the famous Putin topless horseback riding photo he uses on his Tinder Russia dating profile. She’s begging Instagram to show their sexist bias against topless women and remove the photo.

If instagram takes this down again, you’re saying Vladimir Putin Has more 1st amendment rights than me. Talk to your bosses.

Chelsea Handler is a mediocre comedian, but she’s smart enough to know the First Amendment doesn’t apply to private social media services. Instagram and Facebook can censor whatever the hell they want for whatever reason they want. Just like you have the right to tell the same Britney Spears joke for six years in a row that plays well to a canned laugh track. You don’t have the right to petition the Supreme Court because you want to show off your tits after you had a little lift. Let’s be adults and admit you’re just trying to keep your name in the news while the world quickly forgets your scheduled return on Netflix in 2019. You’re only slightly more self-serving than Putin. Though your new tits aren’t half bad.

Photo credit: Chelsea Handler on Instagram