Not so long ago Chelsea Handler accepted Hollywood senior executive penis into her private parts and earned a TV talk show. Now she’s flashing tits and can’t even book an Internet gig. Fading beauty seems like an unsupported premise. Handler will likely tell you this is all just a silly joke, unless you got a lead for her, then maybe it’s not. I know there’s no ‘i’ in the word cumdumpster. Why do you ask?
The Chelsea Handler self-satisfied tit parade continued on Twitter where Handler has advanced the ball on equal topless rights for women by about two tit yards. Chelsea has forced me to think more about how much I hate dudes who jog or workout topless as if their strenuous exercise made a shirt simply too burdensome. There’s not a single person over twelve who doesn’t understand what you’re doing, dickweed. I’d just assume everybody wear clothes in public and then slender attractive women go home and share their bare bodies on web cameras like God intended. If Chelsea has to keep posting pictures of herself topless sucking in her gut to make this happen. So be it. Two years of unemployment has done worse to people.
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The road toward Chelsea Handler blowing downed grazing animals for attention points is growing tiresome. This is what happens when you reach into your bag of tricks and find only morning after pills and the expired Yoo-hoo bottle you’re keeping because it has 50 Cents fingerprints. Handler claimed this self-published underwear photo was to promote her Late Night with Seth Meyers appearance tonight. It’s hard to imagine anybody makes the decision that seeing this laugh track in her bra and panties is reason to be tired at work the next morning. I can see virtually the same in the before pictures on any plastic surgeon’s website. And the women in those pictures don’t feel obliged to pretend that everything’s okay.
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When the front isn’t working, why not turn around. That’s some Henry Ford type next level thinking. Chelsea Handler’s attempt to keep her name in the press by means of bare tit shows on social media was something of a fail beyond her klatch of queens and jocularly crippled. She’s moved on to ass shots. Will it work? Fuck if I know. When you’re digging out of prison you don’t always have the option of choosing spoon or fork. You just dig.
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Chelsea Handler suddenly remembers she was almost Cos-Raped ten years ago in an Atlantic City hotel where she was performing standup. She remembers being with three dudes who were maybe filming her for something she can’t remember. So, sex tape. A manager from the hotel came and told her Bill Cosby was also performing at the hotel and wanted to invite her for an afternoon visit to his hotel room. Unlike every other woman in the Cosby allegations spanning fifty years, Handler sensed something awry.
That’s really weird. I don’t want to go alone.’ I go, ‘I don’t know him.’ So the three guys I was with –thank God these guys were with me. One was filming and one was like a producer; we were filming something –I brought them up with me to his room and thank God I did, because now I know what would’ve happened if I went up there alone.
It’s unclear whether or not Handler is making up the story now because she’s desperate for attention or she’s not making up the story now because she’s desperate for attention. She learned one valuable lesson that day — fuck the chief at E! and you’ll get more than just a roofie hangover. Make that now thirty woman who have come forward claiming Cosby drugged them and assaulted them and and one woman who claims this shit almost kind of sort of could’ve happened. Was your topless selfie camera not working today, Chelsea? Back to the galleys.
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Chelsea Handler’s tits are real which isn’t super shocking since they look real. She has no kids and God granted the Chosen women with decent sized knobs. Handler shot down a report that she’d had them lifted although it was just a lame excuse to show her tits again. We’re not laughing with you, Chelsea, we’re peeing on you.
“Um…there have been a lot of men who’ve touched my boobies, but not one of them has ever been a doctor. Here idiots. A totally sober portrayal of proof.”
This solely proves you’re the only person still amused by this. You’re laying down and showing your tits. Will it be twice as exciting when you bust them out on top of Everest? The answer is a resounding no. How are you only forty?
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