Chelsea Handler Super Close to Being Raped By Cosby

By Lex March 26, 2015 @ 1:38 PM


Chelsea Handler suddenly remembers she was almost Cos-Raped ten years ago in an Atlantic City hotel where she was performing standup. She remembers being with three dudes who were maybe filming her for something she can’t remember. So, sex tape. A manager from the hotel came and told her Bill Cosby was also performing at the hotel and wanted to invite her for an afternoon visit to his hotel room. Unlike every other woman in the Cosby allegations spanning fifty years, Handler sensed something awry.

That’s really weird. I don’t want to go alone.’ I go, ‘I don’t know him.’ So the three guys I was with –thank God these guys were with me. One was filming and one was like a producer; we were filming something –I brought them up with me to his room and thank God I did, because now I know what would’ve happened if I went up there alone.

It’s unclear whether or not Handler is making up the story now because she’s desperate for attention or she’s not making up the story now because she’s desperate for attention. She learned one valuable lesson that day — fuck the chief at E! and you’ll get more than just a roofie hangover. Make that now thirty woman who have come forward claiming Cosby drugged them and assaulted them and and one woman who claims this shit almost kind of sort of could’ve happened. Was your topless selfie camera not working today, Chelsea? Back to the galleys.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Chelsea Handler In Denial

By Matt March 05, 2015 @ 6:06 AM


Chelsea Handler’s tits are real which isn’t super shocking since they look real. She has no kids and God granted the Chosen women with decent sized knobs. Handler shot down a report that she’d had them lifted although it was just a lame excuse to show her tits again. We’re not laughing with you, Chelsea, we’re peeing on you.

“Um…there have been a lot of men who’ve touched my boobies, but not one of them has ever been a doctor. Here idiots. A totally sober portrayal of proof.”

This solely proves you’re the only person still amused by this. You’re laying down and showing your tits. Will it be twice as exciting when you bust them out on top of Everest? The answer is a resounding no. How are you only forty?

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Chelsea Handler Has a Brand New Old Bag

By Lex February 26, 2015 @ 9:41 AM

Chelsea Handler Bare Boobs On Whitney Cummings
Give Chelsea Handler some credit. When people stopped looking, she mixed things up. Change or die. Shove your mams in Whitney Cumming’s face. It’s fresh. A couple comedienne sevens gay baiting Instagram during their respective forever hiatuses from television. Next pic she’s titty fucking the new Ray Lewis statue or I’m canceling my subscription again.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Chelsea Handler Tits Are The New Measles

By Lex February 18, 2015 @ 9:12 AM

Chelsea Handler Flashes A Topless Pic During Mardi Gras
Whatever is compelling Chelsea Handler to flash her tits around the globe, it’s simply not going to stop. The laugh track backed comedian has a contingency whereby even if she is killed, thousands of these topless photos get distributed through a dispersed network of loyalist Nancies on Twitter. It’ll be the day we all come together and agree it’s time the Internet was shut down and buried in a subterranean cave for the talking apes to discover in the next millennium.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Chelsea Handler Titty Yawns

By Matt February 13, 2015 @ 7:42 AM


I never really thought I’d grow tired of a halfway attractive woman’s exposed tits but the moment has come. There just aren’t that many ways to make a slightly haggard pair of tits appealing, whether parading them on back of a camel or screening Rocky Horror Picture Show on them in a park for charity. Chelsea Handler is being applauded by the women’s liberation movement, who are no doubt simultaneously angry at her objectification. It’s like pissing on the lawn while you say some blowhard shit about water conservation. Never liked Handler. No longer like her tits. If you’re out of ideas it’s time to hang them up sister.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Chelsea Handler Just Stopped Trying

By Lex February 11, 2015 @ 11:25 AM

Chelsea Handler Flashes Bra
If your backup plan is flashing tits on social media, you can’t just drop down the ladder to bra peeks. It’s like Tom Brady deciding touchdown passes are overrated. You’ve got another year before you can occupy your audience of cackling hens with plugged celebrity interviews. If you’re going to run out of ideas, run out of ideas with your tits out and some rapper flashing his gold caps behind you. It’s called entertainment value. Take tonight to think about this then come back tomorrow with your shirt off. Or don’t come back. That’s sexist and honest so by definition not offensive.

Photo Credit: Instagram/”Chelsea Lately Show” E!