Get a Prius, I Want My Fucking Guacamole

By Lex March 06, 2014 @ 8:09 PM

I didn’t bitch when your carbon footprint caused the once lush and fertile valleys of sub-Saharan Africa to dry up leaving behind hordes of starving tribesmen. And when your combustion engines and bacon caused a typhoon drenched Philippines to stop being that place everybody wanted to move to, I said nothing. But now your insatiable demand for modern machinery is fucking with my guacamole.

The good and decent organic sustainable local farming peasants from the Chipotle fast food corporation have given a hint that global climate change could fuck up the price of avocados and make guacamole too expensive too reasonably offer at their franchise outlets:

“Increasing weather volatility or other long-term changes in global weather patterns, including any changes associated with global climate change, could have a significant impact on the price or availability of some of our ingredients.”

Sure it sounds like a standard blanket corporate disclaimer about the variable cost of supplies. Or it means the end to the best fucking guacamole in any Mexican QSR. Old ladies with hairy facial moles in Chihuahua can’t crank out creamy green goodness like the master chefs at Chipotle. I don’t understand why you can’t just start driving electric cars. Electricity is given to us emissions free by the God of Thunder who pulsates its healthy rays down the Bifröst so we can have a green planet. Flip your $30,000 golf carts into the on position, I want my fucking guacamole.