Someone Threatened To Kill Chris Brown

By Travis May 20, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

Singer Chris Brown was on hand at last night’s Billboard Music Awards to perform his latest single, “Fine China”, and because he’s like a geography lesson come to life, the performance included Chinese-themed backdrops and Asian backup dancers. Brown also showed off a variety of new dance-fight moves, possibly to let any interested ladies know what they can expect on the first date, but more likely to inform any would-be assassins out there know that he won’t go down without a fight.

According to TMZ, the threat is alive and well, as an unknown man has been phoning in death threats to Brown’s attorney, Mark Geragos. The severity or specificity of the threats are unknown, but if the caller claimed that he was going to slap and tickle Brown to death, my money is on Drake.

(Photo Credit: Getty)

Chris Brown Ain’t Up For Wife-ing, Not On His Birthday

By Jack May 06, 2013 @ 3:44 PM

Chris Brown Partying At 1 Oak Nightclub In Las Vegas
Piece of shit woman beater Chris Brown announced that he and Rihanna have broken up…again. This time it appears that it has to do with Brown’s fear of commitment. You’d think that once you punch a woman into the hospital that that would bond you forever, but no. When asked by an Australian radio show if he was going to spend his 24th birthday alone, he answered not so intelligibly:

“Yeah, Imma do it solo. I mean, at the end of the day, shawty doing her thang, she on the road …It’s always gonna be love. I’m just gonna do me. I’m a grown man. Just gotta fast forward…And at the end of the day, she’s a young girl. I can’t really be focused on wife-ing somebody that young.”

That’s right, wife-ing. That’s the act of making some shawty yo wife. It’s a verb, like drinking, abusing, or douchebagging. I’m sure Rihanna is still broken up. Girls get that way even over breakups with abusive tools who can’t take the time to master ebonics.

Here’s Chris Brown at his birthday over the weekend doing solo. It’s painful to think about just how many girls offered to blow him for free.

Photo Credit: Splash

Good Luck Ever Selling That Car, Chris Brown

By Travis April 25, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

Chris Brown may be a douchebag, but he wants to remind everyone that he’s the king of all douchebags thanks to the new makeover that he ordered for his 2005 Lamborghini Gallardo. Just like his other Gallardo, Brown wanted to make sure that this one stood out when he pulled up to clubs, so he enlisted West Coast Customs founder Ryan Friedlinghaus to turn his Lambo into a giant Gobot.

Brown showed the new look off at the Supperclub in Hollywood on Tuesday night, where he partied with Wiz Khalifa, Ne-Yo and other rappers, before presumably leaving the club to drive home in that painted up new car that screams, “Hey, pull me over because I obviously make horrible decisions.”

Chris Brown Comes to Justin Bieber’s Defense

By Steve G. April 03, 2013 @ 9:09 AM

Chris Brown is an asshole version of Nanny McPhee. When you don’t need him and don’t want him, he’ll be there. (Yes, I did just make a Nanny McPhee reference. No, I don’t want to tell you how I know that.)

Brown compared himself to Bieber, saying the press has used both of them as punching bags. “With [Justin], it’s a case of how I feel. It’s being young, having limitless amount of income for whatever you want to do as a young guy. And then, at the same time, you don’t have nobody that’s gonna say, ‘Hey, bruh, you look whack right now.’”

Well that clears that up, he just didn’t know he couldn’t beat a woman unconscious because he has money. So next time Chris Brown decides to step out with a young lady and she complains that he…

“…punched her in the left eye with his right hand (and) continued to punch her in the face… The assault caused her mouth to fill with blood and blood to splatter over her clothing and the interior of the vehicle.”

…someone should pull him aside and tell him that he looks pretty whack right now. Chris they actually make a little remedy to cure this kind of stupidity, it’s called a Colt .45, suck on one. Rihanna can write a sad ballad about your tragic end and become even more famous. Then you’ll finally be even.

Chris Brown Learns It’s Not OK To Beat Women (VIDEO)

By Jack April 01, 2013 @ 2:11 PM

Chris Brown sat down with the folks at the Today show to talk about his relationship to Rhianna. He revealed to Matt Lauer that while in court appointed counseling he learned that beating women to a pulp is not a good thing.

This dude is 23 years old and he’s just now finding out that you shouldn’t beat a woman so bad that she has to go to the hospital. Putting aside for a moment how monumentally stupid it is for Rhianna to get back together with a psychopath with a rage disorder, just how fucking stupid is this dancing Auto-Tune? Didn’t his mama teach him that you never EVER hit a woman? There’s no ‘First One’s Free’ gaming promotion on smacking a woman. Here’s an idea, go throw a punch at a dude much bigger and stronger than you, so, basically, any other dude besides Drake, and see what happens. In fact, go do that a lot. Asshole.

Rihanna Is Serving Us, Going To Marry Chris Brown

By Steve G. March 20, 2013 @ 12:50 PM

Game. Set. Match. Rihanna.

A source close to the singer, 25, reveals: ‘This is her “F-ck you!” to the world.’ Unsurprisingly, the couple are planning to break with tradition at their wedding, which is likely to happen on a beach near the Sandy Lane resort. ‘Rihanna doesn’t want a big dress or boring old confetti,’ says our insider. ‘She wants to get married in her bikini and have a carnival atmosphere. ‘They want it to be relaxed and fun, like a “playground”, and to celebrate with the people who have stood by them.’

She wins. All I get is a life without fear of a serious beatdown anytime I so much as break wind. Meanwhile this Caribbean queen gets to walk off into the sunset with the mentally unstable asshole of her dreams. Pour it up indeed.

These two are like a trashier version of Mickey and Mallory. And those two killed for fun. Can’t wait to watch the highlights of the wedding video where Chris beats the shit out of Rihanna because she was standing a little too close to the priest and he thought his bitch was getting all up on him. That busted lip is just ‘playground’ baby.