Good Luck Ever Selling That Car, Chris Brown

By Travis April 25, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

Chris Brown may be a douchebag, but he wants to remind everyone that he’s the king of all douchebags thanks to the new makeover that he ordered for his 2005 Lamborghini Gallardo. Just like his other Gallardo, Brown wanted to make sure that this one stood out when he pulled up to clubs, so he enlisted West Coast Customs founder Ryan Friedlinghaus to turn his Lambo into a giant Gobot.

Brown showed the new look off at the Supperclub in Hollywood on Tuesday night, where he partied with Wiz Khalifa, Ne-Yo and other rappers, before presumably leaving the club to drive home in that painted up new car that screams, “Hey, pull me over because I obviously make horrible decisions.”

Chris Brown Comes to Justin Bieber’s Defense

By Steve G. April 03, 2013 @ 9:09 AM

Chris Brown is an asshole version of Nanny McPhee. When you don’t need him and don’t want him, he’ll be there. (Yes, I did just make a Nanny McPhee reference. No, I don’t want to tell you how I know that.)

Brown compared himself to Bieber, saying the press has used both of them as punching bags. “With [Justin], it’s a case of how I feel. It’s being young, having limitless amount of income for whatever you want to do as a young guy. And then, at the same time, you don’t have nobody that’s gonna say, ‘Hey, bruh, you look whack right now.’”

Well that clears that up, he just didn’t know he couldn’t beat a woman unconscious because he has money. So next time Chris Brown decides to step out with a young lady and she complains that he…

“…punched her in the left eye with his right hand (and) continued to punch her in the face… The assault caused her mouth to fill with blood and blood to splatter over her clothing and the interior of the vehicle.”

…someone should pull him aside and tell him that he looks pretty whack right now. Chris they actually make a little remedy to cure this kind of stupidity, it’s called a Colt .45, suck on one. Rihanna can write a sad ballad about your tragic end and become even more famous. Then you’ll finally be even.

Chris Brown Learns It’s Not OK To Beat Women (VIDEO)

By Jack April 01, 2013 @ 2:11 PM

Chris Brown sat down with the folks at the Today show to talk about his relationship to Rhianna. He revealed to Matt Lauer that while in court appointed counseling he learned that beating women to a pulp is not a good thing.

This dude is 23 years old and he’s just now finding out that you shouldn’t beat a woman so bad that she has to go to the hospital. Putting aside for a moment how monumentally stupid it is for Rhianna to get back together with a psychopath with a rage disorder, just how fucking stupid is this dancing Auto-Tune? Didn’t his mama teach him that you never EVER hit a woman? There’s no ‘First One’s Free’ gaming promotion on smacking a woman. Here’s an idea, go throw a punch at a dude much bigger and stronger than you, so, basically, any other dude besides Drake, and see what happens. In fact, go do that a lot. Asshole.

Rihanna Is Serving Us, Going To Marry Chris Brown

By Steve G. March 20, 2013 @ 12:50 PM

Game. Set. Match. Rihanna.

A source close to the singer, 25, reveals: ‘This is her “F-ck you!” to the world.’ Unsurprisingly, the couple are planning to break with tradition at their wedding, which is likely to happen on a beach near the Sandy Lane resort. ‘Rihanna doesn’t want a big dress or boring old confetti,’ says our insider. ‘She wants to get married in her bikini and have a carnival atmosphere. ‘They want it to be relaxed and fun, like a “playground”, and to celebrate with the people who have stood by them.’

She wins. All I get is a life without fear of a serious beatdown anytime I so much as break wind. Meanwhile this Caribbean queen gets to walk off into the sunset with the mentally unstable asshole of her dreams. Pour it up indeed.

These two are like a trashier version of Mickey and Mallory. And those two killed for fun. Can’t wait to watch the highlights of the wedding video where Chris beats the shit out of Rihanna because she was standing a little too close to the priest and he thought his bitch was getting all up on him. That busted lip is just ‘playground’ baby.

Chris Brown Threatens Parking Attendants on Principle

By Steve G. March 08, 2013 @ 8:29 AM

Chris Brown says the reason he lost his temper and threatened a valet Wednesday night was because the guy tried to fleece him.

…the valet outside PINZ bowling alley in Studio City, CA — where Chris was attending a charity event — was supposed to charge $5 a pop … but when Chris tried to pick his car up, the valet tried to scam him by charging $10.The source says other people who parked at PINZ last night were charged $5. Chris believes he was singled out because he’s famous.Chris says it’s not about the money … it’s the principle of the thing.

Oh ok. Well that settles that. Chris Brown is just a man of the people sticking up for what’s right and not just a giant prick. He’s like Batman. If Batman had decided not to grow up to be a superhero and protect those who can’t protect themselves and instead chose to became a raging asshole who went around tasering gay rappers and beating the shit out of women because fuck them, on principle. We were too quick to judge, we know that now. Sorry Chris.  Also I hope you get Lou Gehrig Disease.

Chris Brown Tries Not to Be a Dick, Fails

By Johnny Redd March 07, 2013 @ 1:50 PM

People who point to Chris Brown beating on Rihanna as the sign of his douchebaggery just aren’t digging deep enough. Chris Brown is a shit stain on so many levels, hitting a woman only scratches the surface. But is Chris really to blame or does life just keep throwing him curveballs?

What’s a top bottom verstaile R&B star to do when your bodyguard is not giving you respect? You’ve got to kick his ass off your private jet refueling in Bermuda. Pal or no pal, your bodyguard has to give you your propers. Did he forget somewhere over the Atlantic that you’re the fucking Chris Brown?

And when a valet at a kids’ bowling alley charity event asks you for $10 to cover your parking, you’ve got to get your up in his grill and lay some knowledge on him as to who he’s fucking with. Did he not see your signature diamond earring studs? Dumbass valet. You’re lucky you didn’t get capped.

Someday, Chris Brown is going to get his comeuppance. Hopefully it won’t be a bullet through his arm by Jimmy from Degrassi or some shit like that where he gets to brag about his gangster lifestyle . More like a deep bowel ass-raping by an escaped Russian circus bear. That’s hard to spin into street cred.