Picking up trash because you punch girls in the face got a little bit sexier today when Chris Brown took off his shirt after a hard day of court ordered public service. He’s a jackass but he’s got good abs, I’ll give him that.
Back in Louisiana, I had a black friend named Curtis and he was built like one of the X-Men, like 220 pounds and all ripped out for no reason. As if his mom had been raped by a bear or something. For a while me and another friend had a theory that he was Batman. And one day I asked Curtis how the hell this happened because he’d never touched a weight in his life, and he patted his stomach and said, “it’s all those white girls man.” But I don’t think he knew either because I was sleeping with white girls too and I didn’t look like that.
Another time me and him were driving around and some hicks in a truck started yelling at us and he told me to pull over. And so I did. And then they did. And before I knew what was happening he took off his shirt and jumped out of the car and ran after them screaming like a lunatic and they sped off as fast as their POS truck would take them. And he got back in the car and I said, “what the hell are you doing”. And he said, “nah it’s cool. White boys are scared of big niggas.” And I said, “you are gonna put your shirt back on, right?”
My stories rarely go anywhere or have any point, in case you hadn’t noticed.
Chris Brown is furious today over rumors that he can’t remember the night when he beat the shit out of Rihanna (you better watch your back, rumors. Chris Brown will choke a bitch). He issued a statement to People magazine last night, and this Chris Brown wants to make it clear that he does remember hitting Rihanna, and that the Chris Brown who was on Larry King was lying when he said he didn’t.
“There have been reports on the Internet that I didn’t remember what happened that night with Rihanna. I want to try and set things straight.”
“That 30 seconds of the interview they used of me was taken from a one hour interview during which that same question was asked something like four or five times – and when you look at the entire interview you will see it is not representative of what I said.
“The first four times – or however many times it was – I gave the same answer – which was that I didn’t think it was appropriate for me to talk about what happened that night. I said it was not right for me and it really wasn’t fair to Rihanna. The fifth time – or whatever it was – I just misspoke. I was asked, ‘Do you remember doing it?’ and I said, ‘No.’
There’s little doubt that this kind of interview can be nerve-wracking, so maybe he really did just fumble over his words and say “no” because he didn’t want to go into details. I guess that’s possible. It’s also possible that I nail Megan Fox in the ass before noon today, but the odds of that are 50 percent, at best. Maybe 60, but only because I look especially hot today. In summation, I’m very attractive and this motherfuckers lying. The End.
Chris Brown has recorded an interview with Larry King to air Wednesday night, and in this preview clip Brown says he doesn’t remember the night when he “punched (Rihanna) in the left eye. He then drove away and continued to punch her in the face … (this) caused her mouth to fill with blood and blood to splatter all over her clothing and the interior of the vehicle.” What he told Rihanna that night was:
“I am going to beat the shit out of you when we get home!”
What he told Larry King when asked, “Do you remember doing it” was…
“No. I don’t, it’s like, it’s crazy to me, like, I’m like, wow.”
He and his gentle sky blue sweater and bowtie all seemed pretty surprised to hear that he had done this. I bet Rihanna was pretty surprised to when he “began applying pressure to her right carotid arteries causing her to be unable to breath. She began to lose consciousness. She reached up with her left hand and began to attempting to gauge his eyes in attempt to flee herself. Brown bit her left ring and middle fingers and released her.”
I judge books by their cover, and since sky blue is calm and soothing no one who wears it could possibly be a bad person, but I wonder if it’s still too subtle. For his next interview I’d like to see him dressed as Santa with his arm around a baby panda in a wheelchair.
When Chris Brown was sentenced yesterday to 5 years’ probation and 6 months’ of community service for beating Rihanna on February 8th, the judge also refused Rihannas request to strike down the order demanding Brown stay at least 300 yards away from her at all times. Equally surprising was that the judge confirmed reports that Brown had been violent before. The Daily Mail says…
A probation report prepared for Tuesday’s sentencing describes two previous incidents … the first happened about three months before the February beating while the couple was traveling in Europe; Rihanna slapped Brown during an argument, and he shoved her into a wall.
In the second instance, Brown allegedly broke the front and passenger side windows on a Range Rover they were driving while visiting Barbados. Neither attack was reported, the probation report states.
I realize that some people will look at those two instances and suggest they’re no big deal because he didn’t actually hit her on those occasions, and I think that’s a pretty good way to judge how much of an asshole this guy is, because it means the simple act of not punching a girl has somehow become commendable.
JOHN GOSSELIN – filmed scenes today for “John and Kate Plus 8″ where the adorable kids sell lemonade to raise money for a fire station and he wears a shirt that says “Lies Lies Lies…”. “Because screw those kids,” John probably thought to himself. ” It’s not ’8 Plus John’. Me me me!”
CHRIS BROWN – will be sentenced today, at 2pm pct, after pleading guilty to assaulting Rihanna. He’s expected to get 180 days of community service and 5 years of probation. This was unexpectedly moved from Thursday to today to avoid a media circus. I’d be great at that sort of thing. I’m quick witted, and I’m so pretty I really don’t even need makeup.
LINDSAY LOHAN – I actually had a dream about her (seen here jewelry shopping yesterday) last night where a bunch of people were doing some financial intervention, including me and the mayor of New York who appeared to be the black guy from Fringe. The words haven’t been invented yet to explain how depressing this was. I really gotta get laid.
I don’t know who the hell Kyle is, but he’s the undisputed leader when it comes to sending tips to poorly written websites. Radar, TMZ and the Sun all mention today that, despite a court order commanding him to stay 50 yards away at all times, Chris Brown waited in an SUV last night across the street while Rihanna had dinner at Via Dei Mille in New York.
And five days ago, they both checked into the Trump International Hotel. So she’s either taken him back, or he has a lot to learn about stalking. If they are back, they’re at least being careful enough to keep Chris out of jail. Kyles email says…
I was at the Katy Perry show last night at the Hammerstein Ballroom, sitting up in the balcony near stage left. It was a few randoms like my group mixed in with what seemed to be a lot of music industry bigwigs (I deduce this from all the Blackberrys, their self-congratulating high-fives, and just their general disinterest in anything but themselves).
Anyway, we thought it was cool enough when Donald Trump showed up after the opening set by Cobra Starship and was waving to people, but then roughly two songs into Katy’s set (while it was dark) Rihanna and a small entourage come creeping up the steps, sneaking up to the box with Trump.
She was nice enough and was kind of waving, but clearly she wanted a low profile. What was interesting though was the clear absence of Chris Brown after the report of them checking into the same hotel. There wasn’t anyone she appeared to be “with” per se, but definitely no Brown.
If this was a normal email “tip”, it would have said, “I was Katy Perry last night. Then Rihanna. Chris Brown? Crazy right?” It’s like they’re sending me a secret message, except they never bothered to send the key I would need to crack it.
And as the Sun points out, she still has those purple star things on her tits (these). The ones she wore in Vegas on July 4th (here). What in the hell kind of glue did she use? I’m starting to think they may just be a birthmark.