Todays headlines are sponsored by Barney, the fattest Dalmatian in England. He’s not the fattest black and white mix breed in England though. Hint hint, Mariah Carey. (barney pix here and here and here. source = splash)
DAVID FINCHER – was called in to create a menu screen for the BluRay release of ‘Fight Club’, so he copied the one from ‘Never Been Kissed’ starring Drew Barrymore. He meant it as a joke, but they do have things in common. They both make me want to punch someone, for example. (yahoo)
CHRIS BROWN – is struggling to fill even small venues during his comeback tour, and scalpers outside are selling tickets below cost. Maybe because lyrics like “babe pretty thick, that need to be hit” seem more threatening than sexy now. That’s either about a pretty girl he’d like to make love to, or a slow learner who needs a little reminding. (ny daily news)
BRAD PITT - turned down a $5M appearance fee and a trip to the United Arab Emirates because it was on Oct. 31st, and he wanted to go out with his kids on Halloween. What I’m trying to say is, Brad Pitt is an idiot. (msnbc)
BEHATI PRISLOO – is a pro. The model shot for Victorias Secret in New York today, and notice how everyone else is all bundled up and she’s essentially naked. Bullshit like this is why I got out of swimsuit modeling. (inf daily)
AVATAR – will have cost around $500 million when it hits screens next month, so it’s already breaking records as the most expensive movie ever made, and the one people most regret investing in. WTF is this nonsense? (la times)
RIHANNA – is a little tattle-tale, according to Chris Brown, who thinks she should have kept her mouth shut after he punched her in the face a few dozen times. Instead she went and narked. That’s fucked up. He trusted her, and she betrayed that. What a bitch. (the sun)
BRITNEY SLAMMED DOWN UNDER – is without question the laziest suggestive headline ever written. (the sun)
LINDSAY LOHAN – was seen outside Crow in West Hollywood crying as she left Friday night. Probably because they ran out of cocaine. (star)
RAMPAGE JACKSON – was on set to film for ‘The A-Team’ in Vancouver today. Here the stuntman for Jacksons character ‘BA Baracus’ is going down the side of a building for some reason. Maybe ‘cause he didn’t have no time fo’ no jibba-jabba. (inf)
Stuff about Rihannas GMA interview, which is uncut tonight on 20/20, should have been up yesterday but this is depressing. And part 2 this morning got even worse. Here she talks about what actually happened in the car when he started hitting her. And if that wasn’t bad enough, spell check recommends “rhinos” when you misspell “Rihanna”. That shit is racist!
Yesterday she admitted she did go back to Brown “eight or nine times” even after he beat her, but finally ended it because she was so embarrassed at the prospect of staying with someone who had done this to her.
There’s simply no way this could be any worse for Brown. If she had been cursing him out and saying she wants to kill him, he could say “I told you that bitch was crazy”. But here she looks heartbroken. Not because she got beat up but because she really loved him and now she can’t be with him. Brown is fucked. This makes him look even worse. His only hope was she would go on there and act like the black woman in Jerry Bruckheimer movies, the kind at a fast food counter in a sky blue church outfit and a big hat with feathers, yelling at the kid behind the counter about respect because they ran out of biscuits.
DAVID LETTERMAN – is now a woman. Or at least will be during the ‘Law and Order’ episode about a talk show host who gets blackmailed after having affairs with members of her staff. I know what you’re thinking. “Wow this post got surprisingly boring considering it started out by saying ‘David Letterman is now a woman.’” Yeah sorry about that. (e! online)
JON GOSSELIN – is so screwed. The law firm representing TLC in their breach of contract lawsuit against him have deposed his gf, his bodyguards, and even his former lawyers to find out if he was earning money from outside appearances. This moron is so done. TLC might as well coat him in honey and throw him in a bear cage too. (radar)
JAMES GANDOLFINI – punched a photographer trying to videotape him shopping in the West Village. And it would have hurt too, except that Gandolfini is a fat tub of shit and actors are all pussies. (huffington)
CHRIS BROWN – will run his comeback “Fan Appreciation” tour through a series of small and intimate venues, starting with the House of Blues in Houston next week. So far ticket sales have been steady. Because there’s nothing more steady than “zero”. (daily news)
DENISE MILANI – is here dressed as Wonder Woman because these headlines were all kind of boring. Her costume is a little different from the original, but she still has the golden lasso and the bulletproof bracelets. Know what else is bulletproof? My dick right now. (denisemilani.com)
Picking up trash because you punch girls in the face got a little bit sexier today when Chris Brown took off his shirt after a hard day of court ordered public service. He’s a jackass but he’s got good abs, I’ll give him that.
Back in Louisiana, I had a black friend named Curtis and he was built like one of the X-Men, like 220 pounds and all ripped out for no reason. As if his mom had been raped by a bear or something. For a while me and another friend had a theory that he was Batman. And one day I asked Curtis how the hell this happened because he’d never touched a weight in his life, and he patted his stomach and said, “it’s all those white girls man.” But I don’t think he knew either because I was sleeping with white girls too and I didn’t look like that.
Another time me and him were driving around and some hicks in a truck started yelling at us and he told me to pull over. And so I did. And then they did. And before I knew what was happening he took off his shirt and jumped out of the car and ran after them screaming like a lunatic and they sped off as fast as their POS truck would take them. And he got back in the car and I said, “what the hell are you doing”. And he said, “nah it’s cool. White boys are scared of big niggas.” And I said, “you are gonna put your shirt back on, right?”
My stories rarely go anywhere or have any point, in case you hadn’t noticed.
Chris Brown is furious today over rumors that he can’t remember the night when he beat the shit out of Rihanna (you better watch your back, rumors. Chris Brown will choke a bitch). He issued a statement to People magazine last night, and this Chris Brown wants to make it clear that he does remember hitting Rihanna, and that the Chris Brown who was on Larry King was lying when he said he didn’t.
“There have been reports on the Internet that I didn’t remember what happened that night with Rihanna. I want to try and set things straight.”
“That 30 seconds of the interview they used of me was taken from a one hour interview during which that same question was asked something like four or five times – and when you look at the entire interview you will see it is not representative of what I said.
“The first four times – or however many times it was – I gave the same answer – which was that I didn’t think it was appropriate for me to talk about what happened that night. I said it was not right for me and it really wasn’t fair to Rihanna. The fifth time – or whatever it was – I just misspoke. I was asked, ‘Do you remember doing it?’ and I said, ‘No.’
There’s little doubt that this kind of interview can be nerve-wracking, so maybe he really did just fumble over his words and say “no” because he didn’t want to go into details. I guess that’s possible. It’s also possible that I nail Megan Fox in the ass before noon today, but the odds of that are 50 percent, at best. Maybe 60, but only because I look especially hot today. In summation, I’m very attractive and this motherfuckers lying. The End.