Chris Brown’s Fury Ruined Halloween

By Lex October 31, 2013 @ 4:08 PM

Two night club Halloween parties canceled. One in L.A., one in Vegas. All thanks to mini-maestro Chris Brown and his fists of uncontrollable rage. I can’t imagine the disappointment of thinking you’re heading to a Chris Brown Halloween Party only to have Chris check himself into Bruce Banner rehab in Malibu. That sucks. No Chris Brown for you. Who the hell is going to punch you in the face because he thinks your costume is faggy. Or that you were touching his girl. Or because you look like the volunteer who used to fondle his nut sack in after-school care. Why, that’s not a Halloween at all.

Chris Brown Wants to Understand Why People Get Upset When He Hits Them

By Lex October 30, 2013 @ 3:27 PM

Chris Brown Performs At The iHeartRadio Festival In Las Vegas
You may remember that last time Chris Brown went to anger management counseling, he learned that he can’t be leaving visible marks on his bitches when he gets to feeling like a boiling teapot. But that was court appointed counseling. In the manner of the new celebrity justice S.O.P., Chris Brown has checked himself into anger management rehab before he’s formally rung up on his latest assault case.

“We talked today and he said, ‘I want to take some time and do a little introspection and understand everything that’s going on around me,’” lawyer Mark Geragos told the Daily News. “It was his decision, and he should be applauded.”

Yes, that lingo sounds exactly like Chris Brown. We should applaud a man who wants to understand everything going on around him. Like understanding that surprised dude standing over there with the bloody nose you just sucker punched in the face. Or that big ass bodyguard who travels with you to finish off your fights. Or that policeman coming toward you yelling at you to put your hands behind your back. All this understanding is going to take some quiet time. Preferably along the beach in Malibu with complementary WiFi. Dick.

Photo Credit: Getty

Tyson Tells Chris Brown To Stop Punching People

By Jack October 29, 2013 @ 2:18 PM

Chris Brown was let out of prison today after beating on a guy in D.C.  We told you yesterday about the incident in which Brown and his bodyguard kicked some dude’s ass outside of the W Hotel for trying to photobomb a picture Chris Brown was taking with a skank fan. The charges were lowered from felony assault to a misdemeanor. But he might still be fucked…literally. He’s still s on probation for beating up Rihanna and a misdemeanor could be enough to get him a one way ticket to pound town prison. This mutherfucker really is out of control. Even Mike Tyson says Chris Brown is too violent and needs to stop hitting people. Tyson offered this advice,

“I like and admire that little guy. I’m just worried about him…they’re gonna put him somewhere where that’s all they do is assault people. Chris should know this…if you’re not humble in this world, this world will thrust humbleness upon you.”

You know that shit is bad when convicted rapist and all-around punchy Mike Tyson tells you you need to stop hitting people. It’s like Amanda Bynes calling you crazy or John Travolta disparaging you as a butt pirate. It’s a wake up call. C’mon, Chris Brown, nobody wants to see you actually go to prison. We’ll never get camera footage of your beat downs like we will the day you sucker punch a dude in public who knows how to fight and your bodyguard is slow to react because he hates you too.

Chris Brown Arrested For Assault…Again

By Jack October 28, 2013 @ 11:51 AM

Hey, guess what Chris Brown was arrested for doing? If you said assault then you are correct! This time he was arrested for beating up some dude outside of the W Hotel in D.C. Witnesses say that the guy tried to put his face into a photo Chris was taking with some skank outside the hotel at 4 in the morning. Naturally, Chris made a slur about the dude being gay then punched him in the face. Chris’ big bodyguard then decided he had to earn his keep so he punched the guy too. As much as photobombing has become the sport of assholes, you still can’t beat on a guy for doing it. At least, that’s my interpretation of the law.

The dude was taken to the hospital where his face was swelled up like a Vegas whore’s pussy during CES. I’m sure they got some great photos of his busted up mug. Cops arrested Brown and he’s being held at the station until he is arraigned this morning. This could be bad fucking news for Chris and good news for his future prison husband. Chris is on probation for, you know, kicking the crap out of Rihanna. This could be it for this slimy fucker. He could face four years in lockup for assault and violating his probation. Or, more likely, celebrity justice of 100 hours of speaking to the kids about staying off drugs and the dangers of photobombing. Here’s to hoping against all odds for the former.

Nobody Cares That Chris Brown Was Raped

By Lex October 14, 2013 @ 5:29 PM

Chris Brown’s revelation last week that he first had sex at age eight created buzz for about five seconds then nobody cared. Except for the rape culture people who care about shit like this, because it’s actually kind of important, if you remove the name Chris Brown from the equation. Lily Rothman even wrote a big story about it in Time magazine.

“Reading Brown’s description of the event—grins and chuckles, not being afraid, early access to pornography, attributing early experience to “a beast at it” later—it seems that Brown himself is ignoring or ignorant of the fact that he was raped.”

Chris Brown says it was nothing special since he’s ‘country’ and they just watched a lot of porn as kids, you know, as country kids do. So even the youngin’s was imitating what they saw on the TV on the back porch. Lily calls it rape. Technically, it is. Also legally. I give it about a none percent chance that Chris changes his ‘I got me some at eight’ headline story into an ‘I was raped in third grade’ confession on Oprah’s couch. Chris Brown is currently in no less than three fights on social media. He can’t afford to let people think he’s weak. They might Tweet shit about him.

Chris Brown Says People Hate Bieber Because They’re Racist

By Jack October 07, 2013 @ 3:59 PM

Professional asshole Chris Brown came to the defense of his BFF Justin Bieber by saying that the reason people hate Justin is because of racism. They are hating on Bieber for hanging out with cool black people…like Chris Brown. According to Brown, Bieber-scorn has nothing to do with the Canadian midget being late to concerts, treating fans like shit, spitting on people, or being carried up the Great Wall of China:

“Justin’s not a bad kid, I’ve been around him. But if he hangs with too many black people, ‘oh he’s hanging with the n—-s, so we’re going to let you go’. That’s strictly what it is. It’s unconscious racism. C’mon, y’all know this s— is bulls—. So like at the end of the day, people f— with people and Justin does great music. He’s still pop, but he hangs with the black people. I can identify with what he’s going through. People don’t understand certain people, so if they don’t understand you, they automatically hate you. They cancel you out. I’m speaking out now because I really don’t care anymore.”

To be fair to Chris Brown, he’s so fucking high he has no idea what he’s saying. Though he’s also so fucking stupid when he’s sober he might just believe the same. Chris Brown is the official friend to the friendless. He knows what it’s like to be kept down, like when the cops come and hassle you for beating on your woman. Or Drake’s posse tries to throw a bottle at somebody in your posse. Or when he’s asked to simple addition and the whole class laughs at his clumsy answer. He and Bieber are like two peas in a pod that you can only wish a green giant would squish until the screams stopped.