By Lex August 18, 2014 @ 2:09 PM
Last month it was a Chris Brown celebrity kickball game with all the felonious minions and Kardashians he could gather up. Now, flag football against Puff Daddy’s son. Chris Brown is either building his curriculum vitae for a middle school P.E. teacher vacancy or he’s fulfilling the community service portion of his probation in the most Chris Brown way possible.
These events certainly make it simpler for the local weed and small arms dealers to get to their customers all in one place. And for the twenty or so people who came to watch the game and help raise money for a charity that will never share the accounting, it was a spectacular day all around. Chris Brown just has one ice water bucket challenge and celebrity skeet shooting event in his backyard and his slate is clean in the eyes of the law. He’s like a reverse Hurricane Carter.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Pacific Coast News, Splash
By Matt July 30, 2014 @ 6:41 AM
Chris Brown’s neighbor threatened to shoot him if he sets foot on his property. It is unclear why the guy has a problem with Brown though equally unclear why anyone would not have a problem with Brown. Chris has been throwing loud parties and some of the depraved whore guests have spilled their fake cleavage onto his front yard. Unlike the millions of people who fantasize about accidentally pushing Chris Brown into an oncoming train, this neighbor guy sounds crazy enough to follow through:
“It can be the devil. I can care less. I don’t care if they’re having orgies. It can even be Saddam Hussein for all I care, as long as he doesn’t trespass onto my property, if he does, I shoot him.”
Consider this is a challenge for the rest of us to get Chris Brown to walk across this guy’s lawn. Maybe we Hansel and Gretel out a trail of joints that leads Chris across the adjoining property lines. If he won’t budge, we can experiment with catapults provided by the History Channel. We can’t just let this opportunity pass. This is the best lead we’ve had in years.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex July 21, 2014 @ 9:08 AM
Only mostly everybody at Chris Brown’s Kick’N’ It for Charity Celebrity Kickball game in Glendale had rap sheets. Chris, DJ Khaled, The Game, and a few other charitable fellows famous for drugs and beating women showed up for a cause nobody could actually name. Paris Hilton’s jail house record got her into the match where she showed that one lazy eye and nonchalance is all it takes to not be able to kick a slow moving rubber ball. The Jenner girls showed looking for future abusive boyfriends. Their teen friend Pia Mia Perez arrived off the plane Kanye flies her around in international air space so he can sodomize her without fear or legal reprisal. After the final run was scored the U.S. Attorney showed up with a court order preventing that same group of convicts from being within five hundred feet of one another. It’s really hard to think of anything more Americana than this Amish barn raising.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Matt July 10, 2014 @ 7:11 AM
Chris Brown posted a photo to Instagram again confirming his gang affiliation with the Bloods. Even though Brown is happy to be allowed shoelaces again, the point of this photo was in the caption which read:
“It’s bool! I stand on my own two feet when life gets brazy!”
Bloods like to replace the letter B in words that start with C because they have the intellectual capacity of schoolgirls and pig Latin proved too difficult for many members. Brown likely struck up a kindling with the Piru Bloods after he beat the shit out of Rihanna, when every normal dude in America felt like kicking his ass. Just not enough to get shot. The Bloods let Brown play gangster in exchange for free advertising. Brown also sprayed Bloods graffiti on a wall in Hawaii, because the Four Seasons is a hotbed of street gang territorial disputes. I’m pretty certain repping a gang is a parole violation, but I’d rather the penal system look the other way and Brown just get shot in a drive by while performing community service because the orange vest is not a neutral gang color.
Don’t get me wrong, I hope he lives. Only a sick bastard roots for somebody else’s death. I’d settle for a relatively complicated splenectomy.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex July 08, 2014 @ 10:22 AM
In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.
That’s Karrueche Tran quoting Buddha on social media. Most girls who date Chris Brown take the ancient communal meditations strong to their heart. They help to soothe the swelling from the punches.
According to RadarOnline, the couple just broke up again after Chris posted a picture of his girlfriend’s ass and Vietnamese hooker tattoo to Instagram. That was apparently too much for Karrueche who had previously found her boyfriend’s rage and assaults and arrests and banging Rihanna intermittently to be just Chris being so damn cute. I assume she thought he was taking the photo of her bare ass for his scrapbooking club. Karrueche Tran promptly deleted all pictures of Chris from her Instagram account, which is how people with immense egos break up in 2014. She also insisted that no Chris Brown music be played at the 4th of July party she attended over the weekend. Her friends obliged. Because when you’re friends with models who date Chris Brown, it’s already too late to be judgmental.
Photo Credit: Karrueche Tran/Instagram
Chris Brown was so drunk after the BET Awards after-party his posse had to carry him back to his lambo where his girlfriend awaited to usher him away. Somebody remarked about what an asshole Chris Brown had become while another bystander corrected the first on his use of the present perfect tense.
Read all about Chris Brown’s latest bad decision. (Defamer)
Megan Fox looks kind of funny. (Drunken Stepfather)
Anais Pouliot looks hot as fuck in lingerie even if she is Canadian. (Popoholic)
Most young Americans are too fucking fat to be in the military. (io9)
Michelle Rodriguez is one swinging bikini-clad lesbian. (The Superficial)
Woman unleashes racist tirade on North West. All joking aside, that’s fucked up. (Huffington Post)
Amanda Bynes has been cleared of pot charges but remains guilty of cuckoo. (COED)
Photo credit: Getty Images