Chris Brown Has the Best ‘Out of Jail’ Parties

By Lex June 06, 2014 @ 12:37 PM

Chris Brown Is Lead Blindfolded By Karroueche Tran To His 'Out Of Jail Party' In Los Angeles
Can’t blame Chris Brown for feeling a little nervous when he’s blindfolded and told he’s been taken off to an exciting surprise. Just a couple week’s ago at the L.A. County Men’s Central Jail, that meant something completely different. But his new old former ex-girlfriend Karrueche Tran had something more fun than prison block gang sodomy planned. A BBQ. A big old fun BBQ with all of Chris’ dear friends and paid friends and rappers friends and not his mom who he throws rocks at or the people he’s ordered his bodyguards to punch or the women he’s assaulted. You only get out of jail once, give or take a few, why not celebrate with some ribs.

Photo Credit: Splash

Chris Brown Screws White Woman From Inside Prison! You Won’t Believe What Happens Next

By Lex April 09, 2014 @ 5:17 PM

Stasiya Maria Poses Topless And Covered
From deep inside his prison walls, Chris Brown faked out a bunch of girls to come into a casting call for his new modeling agency, Legendary Faces. And, yes, Chris Brown owns a. modeling agency. I think he started it during rehab as a positive outlet for his repressed rage against his mother. Within the confines of the modeling agency, he can beat and degrade women and it all falls within modeling agency norms. Russian model Stasiya Maria is threatening to sue Brown and Legendary Faces because they had an open casting call, then used video from the casting call to promote the agency without showing her the rubles. Chris is currently in the hoosegow in DC awaiting trial on beating up a photo bomber so he was unavailable to make an ebonical denial. The model who looks an awful lot like Princess Sarah Ferguson is standing up for the rights of girls in Hollywood, which means she’s going to lose. And probably be disappeared into a soccer stadium in South America.

Chris Brown To Fly Con Air

By Jack April 02, 2014 @ 12:24 PM

Chris Brown is going to have to take a coach seat on con air for his trial in Washington DC. The U.S. attorneys don’t trust the lady beating douchenozzle to get on a plane on his own and not skip the country. So, the prosecution wants his ass shackled and put on a prison transport plane from LA to DC, just like in the awesomely shitty Jerry Bruckheimer flick Con Air. Right now he’s in trouble in LA for parole violations and being a total fucking dirty dick licker. He has to appear in court in DC on April 19th and the attorneys, understandably, think he’s a flight risk. Chris believes the whole thing is totally unfair because he’s technically not a prisoner and should be able to fly first class on United or whatever and get the orange juice in the champagne flute and shit.

I say Con Air is too good for the likes of Chris Brown. They should strap his ass to the hood of a 1989 Chevy pickup truck like a deer carcass and drive cross country. That will give him some time to reflect on his life as he cries for one of his bitches to come pick the bugs out of his teeth. Anger management rehab doesn’t have to be complicated. Whack whack, yeah, your nose is bleeding. You’re done.

Drake Is Officially Plowing Rihanna

By Jack March 17, 2014 @ 1:09 PM

Canadian chode Drake is now officially and exclusively dating Rihanna. The two annoying superstars have been rumored to be hooking up for a while. This has reportedly caused tension between Drake and Rihanna’s former lover, Chris Brown, who thinks he still owns Rihanna because you can still see his knuckle prints in her face. Rihanna really likes Drake because he’s quite and about as exciting as mold growing on a rock. Their private life together is probably equally as lame. I imagine that they get back from antiquing or watching a Canadian hockey game or whatever and settle in for a night How I Met Your Mother on TV. They then eat some leftover vegan Lo Mein and go to bed at 10pm. Maybe they have quick and passionless sex before Drake turns out the lights and cries because his ancestors were once escaped slaves in Egypt with no time for their bread to rise. This relationship should last about Chris Brown released from jail time plus one hour. He’s going to break it up with his anger and what is commonly referred to in professional wrestling parlance as a ‘foreign object’.

Chris Brown Hauled Back to Jail, Was He Ever Even In Jail?

By Lex March 14, 2014 @ 6:20 PM

Chris Brown Partying At 1 Oak Nightclub In Las Vegas

Chris Brown got thrown out of rehab. Again. You’d have to think Anger Rehab has a pretty high rate of rule breakers, and Chris is one of them. He got tossed out of the last place for throwing a rock at his mom’s car when she came to visit. Crazy little scamp. And now he’s been booted again. Apparently it’s not for drugs or violence or even having sexual relations with one of the staff members at rehab, which he did. YOLO. That’s so Chris Brown. But whatever the hell rule he broke, he got tossed which according to his last court order means he has to go back to jail. Which is where the L.A. County Sheriff deputies are escorting him right now. He’ll probably be placed into isolated custody, which means he can only injure himself. They should give him some props and obstacles to contend with.¬†That would be one awesomely angry pay-per-view.

Chris Brown’s Temper Abides

By Jack March 03, 2014 @ 3:53 PM

Musical prodigy¬†Chris Brown has been ordered to stay in anger management rehab for another two months. The judge thinks that Chris is still too much like a teen girl on her first period to be released into the free world. Brown affected meditation during the hearing so he’d look all zen and shit for the judge. His honor wasn’t buying the yogi routine. Brown is going to stay in the facility until April when he goes on trial for assault for the beating of a dude in Washington last year. Brown’s doctors say that he is, to use the clinical term, totally fucked in the head:

“Our clinical team believes Mr Brown became aggressive and acted out physically due to [an] untreated mental health disorder, severe sleep deprivation, inappropriate self-medicating and [post-traumatic stress disorder]“

So, Chris Brown suffers from having a crappy childhood like the rest of us, but the money to buy all-night party hookers and cocaine to drown his demons. I guess people like this should be locked up, or, whatever you call I’m So Angry classes at a beach front property in Malibu. But the world also needs human punching bags that we can collectively agree not to feel bad about beating. You know, the self-important shitty fighters like Shia Labeouf that we get a little thrill when we see them get popped in the nose. Chris Brown sans bodyguards could fill this role. I’d hope the judge would take this into account when arranging his fate.