By Matt June 09, 2014 @ 9:24 AM
Chris Brown threw a party for himself because he felt he deserved a little love for his tireless work being prison overcrowded out of jail. His party was packed with more porn stars than a mobile HIV station on the first of January. If there’s one thing Chris Brown learned in the slammer, besides not choosing the bedsheets with the mysterious bloody holes in the middle, it was that porn stars tell no tales. Chris has suffered much in life from his bitches just not keeping quiet. Women bitches, man bitches, they just can’t shut up about the beat down Chris Brown had to give them to make the voices stop. But you can’t just start punching people with self-worth and lawyers and get away with it. Enter the porn stars. The human punching bags with oral cavities designed solely for ingress. You could water board Bonnie Rotten and she’d just rub her gyny and tell you how wet she was. Chris Brown has discovered his new playground of tell-no-tales victims. We really need to stop sending this guy to prison. He keeps coming out just a bit less dumb.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Lex June 06, 2014 @ 12:37 PM
Can’t blame Chris Brown for feeling a little nervous when he’s blindfolded and told he’s been taken off to an exciting surprise. Just a couple week’s ago at the L.A. County Men’s Central Jail, that meant something completely different. But his new old former ex-girlfriend Karrueche Tran had something more fun than prison block gang sodomy planned. A BBQ. A big old fun BBQ with all of Chris’ dear friends and paid friends and rappers friends and not his mom who he throws rocks at or the people he’s ordered his bodyguards to punch or the women he’s assaulted. You only get out of jail once, give or take a few, why not celebrate with some ribs.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex April 09, 2014 @ 5:17 PM
From deep inside his prison walls, Chris Brown faked out a bunch of girls to come into a casting call for his new modeling agency, Legendary Faces. And, yes, Chris Brown owns a. modeling agency. I think he started it during rehab as a positive outlet for his repressed rage against his mother. Within the confines of the modeling agency, he can beat and degrade women and it all falls within modeling agency norms. Russian model Stasiya Maria is threatening to sue Brown and Legendary Faces because they had an open casting call, then used video from the casting call to promote the agency without showing her the rubles. Chris is currently in the hoosegow in DC awaiting trial on beating up a photo bomber so he was unavailable to make an ebonical denial. The model who looks an awful lot like Princess Sarah Ferguson is standing up for the rights of girls in Hollywood, which means she’s going to lose. And probably be disappeared into a soccer stadium in South America.
By Michael April 02, 2014 @ 12:24 PM
Chris Brown is going to have to take a coach seat on con air for his trial in Washington DC. The U.S. attorneys don’t trust the lady beating douchenozzle to get on a plane on his own and not skip the country. So, the prosecution wants his ass shackled and put on a prison transport plane from LA to DC, just like in the awesomely shitty Jerry Bruckheimer flick Con Air. Right now he’s in trouble in LA for parole violations and being a total fucking dirty dick licker. He has to appear in court in DC on April 19th and the attorneys, understandably, think he’s a flight risk. Chris believes the whole thing is totally unfair because he’s technically not a prisoner and should be able to fly first class on United or whatever and get the orange juice in the champagne flute and shit.
I say Con Air is too good for the likes of Chris Brown. They should strap his ass to the hood of a 1989 Chevy pickup truck like a deer carcass and drive cross country. That will give him some time to reflect on his life as he cries for one of his bitches to come pick the bugs out of his teeth. Anger management rehab doesn’t have to be complicated. Whack whack, yeah, your nose is bleeding. You’re done.
By Michael March 17, 2014 @ 1:09 PM
Canadian chode Drake is now officially and exclusively dating Rihanna. The two annoying superstars have been rumored to be hooking up for a while. This has reportedly caused tension between Drake and Rihanna’s former lover, Chris Brown, who thinks he still owns Rihanna because you can still see his knuckle prints in her face. Rihanna really likes Drake because he’s quite and about as exciting as mold growing on a rock. Their private life together is probably equally as lame. I imagine that they get back from antiquing or watching a Canadian hockey game or whatever and settle in for a night How I Met Your Mother on TV. They then eat some leftover vegan Lo Mein and go to bed at 10pm. Maybe they have quick and passionless sex before Drake turns out the lights and cries because his ancestors were once escaped slaves in Egypt with no time for their bread to rise. This relationship should last about Chris Brown released from jail time plus one hour. He’s going to break it up with his anger and what is commonly referred to in professional wrestling parlance as a ‘foreign object’.
By Lex March 14, 2014 @ 6:20 PM
Chris Brown got thrown out of rehab. Again. You’d have to think Anger Rehab has a pretty high rate of rule breakers, and Chris is one of them. He got tossed out of the last place for throwing a rock at his mom’s car when she came to visit. Crazy little scamp. And now he’s been booted again. Apparently it’s not for drugs or violence or even having sexual relations with one of the staff members at rehab, which he did. YOLO. That’s so Chris Brown. But whatever the hell rule he broke, he got tossed which according to his last court order means he has to go back to jail. Which is where the L.A. County Sheriff deputies are escorting him right now. He’ll probably be placed into isolated custody, which means he can only injure himself. They should give him some props and obstacles to contend with. That would be one awesomely angry pay-per-view.