Chris Brown’s Temper Abides

By Michael March 03, 2014 @ 3:53 PM

Musical prodigy Chris Brown has been ordered to stay in anger management rehab for another two months. The judge thinks that Chris is still too much like a teen girl on her first period to be released into the free world. Brown affected meditation during the hearing so he’d look all zen and shit for the judge. His honor wasn’t buying the yogi routine. Brown is going to stay in the facility until April when he goes on trial for assault for the beating of a dude in Washington last year. Brown’s doctors say that he is, to use the clinical term, totally fucked in the head:

“Our clinical team believes Mr Brown became aggressive and acted out physically due to [an] untreated mental health disorder, severe sleep deprivation, inappropriate self-medicating and [post-traumatic stress disorder]“

So, Chris Brown suffers from having a crappy childhood like the rest of us, but the money to buy all-night party hookers and cocaine to drown his demons. I guess people like this should be locked up, or, whatever you call I’m So Angry classes at a beach front property in Malibu. But the world also needs human punching bags that we can collectively agree not to feel bad about beating. You know, the self-important shitty fighters like Shia Labeouf that we get a little thrill when we see them get popped in the nose. Chris Brown sans bodyguards could fill this role. I’d hope the judge would take this into account when arranging his fate.

Chris Brown Isn’t Going To Jail…Again

By Michael February 04, 2014 @ 1:43 PM

Chris Brown has his ass saved from prison lights out penetration once again after a judge dismissed a motion to take him out of rehab to serve time in prison. The screechy chick beating douche is currently serving a 90 day stint in rehab and anger management after beating up a guy in Washington, D.C.. This violated the terms of his probation for having kicked the living dog shit out of Rihanna’s face. Prosecutors wanted Brown to serve some jail time, but the judge said that Chris was doing well in Malibu by the shore and didn’t want to interrupt his tremendous progress in building sandcastles and Tweeting out insipid inspiration messages. Apparently the judge is unable to see the 99.9% likelihood that Brown is playing nice to get himself out of trouble. You might be able to kick drugs and booze but being an asshole psycho is a chronic and incurable affliction.

For now, Brown is safe in his cozy little rehab place sharing his feelings and triggers for violent behavior. Yo yo sometimes I just feel the feelings getting all over me like. For Chris Brown to see jail time, he’d probably have to punch Michelle Obama in the shnozz. I’d hate to see that. Please.

Chris Brown Ruined New Year’s From Rehab

By Lex January 02, 2014 @ 3:46 PM

The staff at Malibu Anger Rehab allows in-patients a half-hour on the villa’s front lawn each day to recreate as they please. Most end up gnawing viciously on the grass and cursing out their whore-bitch of a mother cunt, Chris Brown let his girlfriend chew on his tongue for a New Year’s photo. Chris told Karrueche Tran to keep on biting until the flood of memories of his childhood rapes had all passed before his eyes. It can take some time if all the various farm animals and inanimate objects are included. When it was all over, Karrueche Tran posted the photos to Twitter with the following genius poem:

Getting chrae on New Years Day

I’m pretty certain that’s iambic pentameter. I’m sure it sounds like a rhyme when spoken in her voice. I suspect it won’t be for some time before Karrueche realizes that her future dating pool now consists entirely of men who have no access to the Internet.

Chris Brown Is All Better Now

By Travis December 23, 2013 @ 12:00 PM

When the majority of people in America and maybe even around the world think that you’re a colossal asshole, it’s generally going to take a lot of PR spin and goodwill to change those minds. But now that Chris Brown has been ordered by a judge to work on his anger management and he’s done with his incredibly short stint in rehab, the singer that once tried to punch Rihanna’s head off of her body showed that he’s all better by giving away a bunch of toys to some kids in Los Angeles on Saturday. Chris even posed for some pictures with random people before he played basketball with the kids, and he probably capped it all off by saying, “See? I didn’t even try to beat the shit out of anyone. It’s a Christmas miracle!”

Photo Credits:

Michael Buble is Not So Good at Telling Jokes

By Lex December 19, 2013 @ 2:58 PM

I was  going to ask who the fuck watches the Michael Buble Christmas Special, now in its third year of providing banal entertainment to the elderly and infirmed (I guess I just answered my own question). The better question is who writes the monologue he has to uncomfortably deliver at the beginning of the show? Buble kicked off his special with the following ha-ha about advice from fellow musicians on how to make his show amazing:

Miley Cyrus said I should start the show by twerking in an elf outfit, Justin Bieber said I should drive 140 mph through a residential zone, and Chris Brown told me if I did either of those things he would punch me in the face.

His audience laughed, which made me believe none of them had any idea what the hell he was talking about but were instead looking at show producers pantomiming uproarious chuckles. That got Chris Brown defenders into a tizzy online, which was actually helpful in compiling a list of the first people to euthanize when it’s time to cull the herd. Since nobody under nearly-dead was actually watching the show, I’m not sure how the wayward teen cretins who would take the time to defend Chris Brown even knew about this poorly delivered joke. I guess their underground is stronger than first thought. We’re going to need more spray.

R. Kelly Thinks Chris Brown Is Jesus

By Michael December 10, 2013 @ 6:02 PM

R. Kelly came to the defense of fellow creepy singer Chris Brown by comparing him to Muhammed Ali, Martin Luther King, and Jesus Christ. Kelly was giving an interview for his new album Black Panties when the subject of his many controversies came up. You know, like him peeing on underaged girls on sex tapes and generally being a weird asshole. But how in the name of Christ can Chris Brown be like Jesus? He says of the haters that,

“I feel sorry for them, not Chris Brown, because he’s obviously one strong individual to be able to do what he’s done. He got knocked down a little bit and he climbed up. You know, that sounds like Ali to me. That sounds like Martin Luther King to me. That sounds like a lot of the greats that have walked this earth. It even sounds a little bit like Jesus to me.”

Umm, it’s been a while since I read the Good Book but I’m pretty sure Jesus never beat any girls so bad they had to go to the hospital. Martin Luther King never had a neck tattoo and a coke habit and Ali isn’t in anger rehab right now throwing rocks through his mom’s car window. What is it with rappers claiming to be like Jesus? Kanye literally thinks he’s a god and regularly compares himself to people like MLK. Guys, you figured out how to rhyme words over someone else’s beats. You aren’t special. You’re lucky.