Chris Brown Is All Better Now

By Travis December 23, 2013 @ 12:00 PM

When the majority of people in America and maybe even around the world think that you’re a colossal asshole, it’s generally going to take a lot of PR spin and goodwill to change those minds. But now that Chris Brown has been ordered by a judge to work on his anger management and he’s done with his incredibly short stint in rehab, the singer that once tried to punch Rihanna’s head off of her body showed that he’s all better by giving away a bunch of toys to some kids in Los Angeles on Saturday. Chris even posed for some pictures with random people before he played basketball with the kids, and he probably capped it all off by saying, “See? I didn’t even try to beat the shit out of anyone. It’s a Christmas miracle!”

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Michael Buble is Not So Good at Telling Jokes

By Lex December 19, 2013 @ 2:58 PM

I was  going to ask who the fuck watches the Michael Buble Christmas Special, now in its third year of providing banal entertainment to the elderly and infirmed (I guess I just answered my own question). The better question is who writes the monologue he has to uncomfortably deliver at the beginning of the show? Buble kicked off his special with the following ha-ha about advice from fellow musicians on how to make his show amazing:

Miley Cyrus said I should start the show by twerking in an elf outfit, Justin Bieber said I should drive 140 mph through a residential zone, and Chris Brown told me if I did either of those things he would punch me in the face.

His audience laughed, which made me believe none of them had any idea what the hell he was talking about but were instead looking at show producers pantomiming uproarious chuckles. That got Chris Brown defenders into a tizzy online, which was actually helpful in compiling a list of the first people to euthanize when it’s time to cull the herd. Since nobody under nearly-dead was actually watching the show, I’m not sure how the wayward teen cretins who would take the time to defend Chris Brown even knew about this poorly delivered joke. I guess their underground is stronger than first thought. We’re going to need more spray.

R. Kelly Thinks Chris Brown Is Jesus

By Jack December 10, 2013 @ 6:02 PM

R. Kelly came to the defense of fellow creepy singer Chris Brown by comparing him to Muhammed Ali, Martin Luther King, and Jesus Christ. Kelly was giving an interview for his new album Black Panties when the subject of his many controversies came up. You know, like him peeing on underaged girls on sex tapes and generally being a weird asshole. But how in the name of Christ can Chris Brown be like Jesus? He says of the haters that,

“I feel sorry for them, not Chris Brown, because he’s obviously one strong individual to be able to do what he’s done. He got knocked down a little bit and he climbed up. You know, that sounds like Ali to me. That sounds like Martin Luther King to me. That sounds like a lot of the greats that have walked this earth. It even sounds a little bit like Jesus to me.”

Umm, it’s been a while since I read the Good Book but I’m pretty sure Jesus never beat any girls so bad they had to go to the hospital. Martin Luther King never had a neck tattoo and a coke habit and Ali isn’t in anger rehab right now throwing rocks through his mom’s car window. What is it with rappers claiming to be like Jesus? Kanye literally thinks he’s a god and regularly compares himself to people like MLK. Guys, you figured out how to rhyme words over someone else’s beats. You aren’t special. You’re lucky.

Chris Brown Denied Weed In Rehab

By Jack November 27, 2013 @ 1:19 PM

Chris Brown is having a little bit of trouble adjusting to anger management rehab. The reason? They took his weed away. It seems that Chris got into an altercation with the staff when they wouldn’t let him carry his dank stash into the facility. You know, since they’re pretending it’s rehab and all. He agreed to give up his phone and the Internet but said that the weed was medically prescribed for depression by his lauded physician, Dr. Greenthumb. The staff wasn’t buying it. But now they’ve got an unmedicated Chris Brown on their hands. Guess who’s going to suffer the most here? My guess is one if not all of the rehab staffers will be tossing a pound of Strawberry Cough into Chris’ room by Friday.

Chris Brown Ordered to Rehab for Being Thrown Out of Rehab

By Lex November 21, 2013 @ 6:53 PM

I remember voting in favor of ballot initiatives in California that send non-violent drug arrests to rehab instead of prison. I guess I didn’t read the fine print that said violent celebrity offenders also included. Chris Brown got kicked out of rehab for throwing a rock through the window of his mom’s car because she thought he should stay in rehab. He was in rehab for punching a dude in the face in D.C. Those seem like violent acts, but I guess it was technically gravity that caused the rock to smash through his mom’s window and in D.C., Chris was just helping his nation sign up less than willing younger people for ObamaCare. Celebrity jurisprudence decided to send Chris back to rehab as penalty for being booted out of rehab. On top of that, the ever popular community service. Except that Chris has only completed 20 hours of his 1000 hours of community service still on the books from his super non-violent hit and run earlier this year. It turns out, community service makes Chris Brown depressed. Which makes him a little less tough than Lindsay Lohan who did her 480 hours in the County Coroner’s office, drinking Stoly and toe-tagging bodies without so much as a whimper.

Anger Rehab Made Chris Brown So Angry

By Lex November 20, 2013 @ 4:44 PM

You’d think that violent outbursts in Anger Rehab were pretty common. Sort of like counselors discovering Courtney Love’s special rehab pillow cases were made entirely out of edible Oxycodone. Just a by-product of the environment. Apparently not so according to TMZ (who now uses ALL CAPS for emphasis since hiring teams of pre-menstrual high school girls to cover their celebrity beat):

Chris Brown went into a VIOLENT RAGE while in rehab earlier this month for his anger issues … TMZ has learned … throwing objects and breaking them. We’re told the rehab facility wanted him OUT after the incident … and that’s why he bailed after only 2 weeks.

According to TMZ, who is either right or about to forget to print a retraction, the D.A. is going to ask for Chris Brown’s Rihanna-beating probation to be revoked today. Getting kicked out of rehab does look pretty bad on the bullshit celebrity ‘I’m not a criminal, I’m sick’ legal defense resume. Is today the day Chris Brown finally gets his comeuppance behind lock and key? If I close my eyes, I can already see Chris sobbing out Look at Me Now while being given a forcible colonoscopy, but my Magic 8 Ball here says the outlook is not so good. The Magic 8 Ball is completely random, though still statistically 47% more accurate than TMZ.