Nobody Cares That Chris Brown Was Raped

By Lex October 14, 2013 @ 5:29 PM

Chris Brown’s revelation last week that he first had sex at age eight created buzz for about five seconds then nobody cared. Except for the rape culture people who care about shit like this, because it’s actually kind of important, if you remove the name Chris Brown from the equation. Lily Rothman even wrote a big story about it in Time magazine.

“Reading Brown’s description of the event—grins and chuckles, not being afraid, early access to pornography, attributing early experience to “a beast at it” later—it seems that Brown himself is ignoring or ignorant of the fact that he was raped.”

Chris Brown says it was nothing special since he’s ‘country’ and they just watched a lot of porn as kids, you know, as country kids do. So even the youngin’s was imitating what they saw on the TV on the back porch. Lily calls it rape. Technically, it is. Also legally. I give it about a none percent chance that Chris changes his ‘I got me some at eight’ headline story into an ‘I was raped in third grade’ confession on Oprah’s couch. Chris Brown is currently in no less than three fights on social media. He can’t afford to let people think he’s weak. They might Tweet shit about him.

Chris Brown Says People Hate Bieber Because They’re Racist

By Jack October 07, 2013 @ 3:59 PM

Professional asshole Chris Brown came to the defense of his BFF Justin Bieber by saying that the reason people hate Justin is because of racism. They are hating on Bieber for hanging out with cool black people…like Chris Brown. According to Brown, Bieber-scorn has nothing to do with the Canadian midget being late to concerts, treating fans like shit, spitting on people, or being carried up the Great Wall of China:

“Justin’s not a bad kid, I’ve been around him. But if he hangs with too many black people, ‘oh he’s hanging with the n—-s, so we’re going to let you go’. That’s strictly what it is. It’s unconscious racism. C’mon, y’all know this s— is bulls—. So like at the end of the day, people f— with people and Justin does great music. He’s still pop, but he hangs with the black people. I can identify with what he’s going through. People don’t understand certain people, so if they don’t understand you, they automatically hate you. They cancel you out. I’m speaking out now because I really don’t care anymore.”

To be fair to Chris Brown, he’s so fucking high he has no idea what he’s saying. Though he’s also so fucking stupid when he’s sober he might just believe the same. Chris Brown is the official friend to the friendless. He knows what it’s like to be kept down, like when the cops come and hassle you for beating on your woman. Or Drake’s posse tries to throw a bottle at somebody in your posse. Or when he’s asked to simple addition and the whole class laughs at his clumsy answer. He and Bieber are like two peas in a pod that you can only wish a green giant would squish until the screams stopped.

Chris Brown Called That Time He Beat Up Rihanna A ‘Wake-Up Call’

By Travis October 07, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

In a new interview with The Guardian, Chris Brown opens up about a lot of aspects of his life, from his claim that he lost his virginity at age 8 so he could get started on becoming the greatest sexual being this world has ever known to his belief that the media makes everything up about him and he’s actually a good little boy who just accidentally gets into trouble. But the biggest thing that he talked about was that time that he bounced Rihanna’s face off the window of his car, which he now refers to as a “wake-up call.”

“But at the same time, I learned from it,” he continued, “and it was almost like… I wouldn’t say it happened for a reason, but it was something to trigger my mind to be more of a mature adult. To handle myself in situations, don’t throw tantrums, don’t be a baby about it.” Funny, I remember a lot of the tantrums my little sister threw when she was young, yet I don’t recall any of them ending in this.

(Photo Credit: Getty)

Justin Bieber And Chris Brown Are Best Friends

By Travis September 06, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

Justin Bieber posted the above photo to his Instagram account yesterday, showing off the new graffiti art that Chris Brown sprayed for his half pipe, while calling the guy who bounced Rihanna’s face off of a car window “super dope.” These two have been friends for a while, which might actually explain a lot about the way both of them behave. Best case scenario: they’re both eventually arrested for murder, they blame each other and then spend all of their money hiring people to try to kill each other and their douchebag friends. Worst case scenario: They record another song together.

Sure, the former might seem a little drastic and far-fetched, but given the choice I think I know which way we’re all leaning.

Chris Brown Says The LA DA Is Racist

By Jack August 23, 2013 @ 3:48 PM

Everyone’s favorite woman beating dickhole, Chris Brown, is accusing the LA County DA of racism for not accepting his bogus community service forms. It seems that the “singer” fudged some of his community service hours and the DA was all like, “Nuh uh. I call bullshit Chris Brown!”, and he was all like, “Hell yes, bitch! Y’all are racist”. He had to fulfil the community service as part of his sentence for beating the living dogshit out of Rihanna. The judge added another 1000 hours to his sentence for being a shitdick. But in Chris Brown land the fact that they won’t accept his bullshit hours makes the DA racist. Sure, the LA County DA is a Black woman, but so what? Brown tweeted,

“Nigga done 6 months community service wit police and the DA racist ass crying to the judge that I didn’t do it.  Fuck the SYSTEM!”

This guy really is the biggest fucking toolbag on earth. Look dude, you beat up a really famous woman. What the fuck did you think was going to happen? He got off easy with some community service hours due, I’m sure, to the fact that in America it doesn’t matter what color your skin is so long as you are rich and famous. Yeah, real racist. I hope Chris Brown goes to jail one day and gets his crannies violated by a racially mixed biker.

Drake And Chris Brown Don’t Have To Pay Shit To Club

By Jack July 22, 2013 @ 5:08 PM

A judge threw out a lawsuit aimed at feuding hip hop assmunches Drake and Chris Brown. A company called Entertainment Enterprises (that’s vague and porny enough) sued the dimwits for 16 million dollars after they got into a massive brawl and tore up… a completely different club. Entertainment Enterprises owns a club called Greenhouse which is next door to W.i.P. Lounge where the fight actually took place. Entertainment Enterprises claims that their place got a bad rap because of the rapper fight next door and people stopped coming. The judge told them to STFU and to stop filing stupid lawsuits. Which even though it’s right means that Drake and Chris Brown face little to no consequences for their bottle tossing entourage girly fight. Other than being thought of as total dicks by most of the world. But I can tell you firsthand that’s not much of a punishment.