Chris Brown Solves the Healthcare Crisis

By Jack June 19, 2013 @ 11:46 AM

Chris Brown has entered the contentious debate over healthcare by declaring on Twitter that everyone should have free access to medical care. This comes on the heels of him ending the multi-generational war between the Bloods and the Crips in his latest music video, Don’t Think They Know. It makes sense that Brown would be interested in affordable healthcare. Not because he’s a humanitarian but because when he puts someone in the hospital through his cowardly acts of aggression, he doesn’t want to have to pay for it. When he beat Rihanna into the ER a few years ago it probably cost quite a bit of money to treat her wounds and pay for the cat scan to check for cerebral bleeding. He doesn’t want to get sent a $10K hospital bill the next time he gets in a bottle throwing fight with someone from Drake’s entourage. Let Obama pay for that shit. Or, you know, wherever it is Obama gets the money. Chris Brown doesn’t have time to drill down on policy, he needs to focus on his art.

Drake Vs. Brown: It Could End Really Badly

By Jack June 18, 2013 @ 11:29 AM

Drake and Chris Brown continue to have their bitchy little prick waving contest over Rihanna and Drake is afraid it’s going to end “badly”. I don’t know if he means gunned down in the street badly or that time Audrina and Lauren fought over Ricky Bobby on The Hills sissy girl badly. I’d go with the latter. Drake was asked about his beef with America’s favorite lady beater in GQ and here is what the suburban childhood actor turned P.R. machine bad-ass had to say:

“I wish we could sit down, just like you and me are right now, and talk it out man-to-man…But that’s not going to happen. I’m not confrontational, but if someone challenges, I’m not going to back down…If I think about it too much, I feel it wrapping around my foot, like I get a feeling it could end really badly.”

I’m not sure what the “wrapping around my foot” stuff is all about,. Does he mean like a pair of socks you’re trying to get on while your feet are still a bit wet from the shower and they just won’t pull over your damn heels. Cause I really hate that. I will tug that fucking sock until it starts to stretch out of shape. That shit will end badly. I get it now. Chris Brown is the sock and Drake is the wet foot. This is old school gangster.

Someone Threatened To Kill Chris Brown

By Travis May 20, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

Singer Chris Brown was on hand at last night’s Billboard Music Awards to perform his latest single, “Fine China”, and because he’s like a geography lesson come to life, the performance included Chinese-themed backdrops and Asian backup dancers. Brown also showed off a variety of new dance-fight moves, possibly to let any interested ladies know what they can expect on the first date, but more likely to inform any would-be assassins out there know that he won’t go down without a fight.

According to TMZ, the threat is alive and well, as an unknown man has been phoning in death threats to Brown’s attorney, Mark Geragos. The severity or specificity of the threats are unknown, but if the caller claimed that he was going to slap and tickle Brown to death, my money is on Drake.

(Photo Credit: Getty)

Chris Brown Ain’t Up For Wife-ing, Not On His Birthday

By Jack May 06, 2013 @ 3:44 PM

Chris Brown Partying At 1 Oak Nightclub In Las Vegas
Piece of shit woman beater Chris Brown announced that he and Rihanna have broken up…again. This time it appears that it has to do with Brown’s fear of commitment. You’d think that once you punch a woman into the hospital that that would bond you forever, but no. When asked by an Australian radio show if he was going to spend his 24th birthday alone, he answered not so intelligibly:

“Yeah, Imma do it solo. I mean, at the end of the day, shawty doing her thang, she on the road …It’s always gonna be love. I’m just gonna do me. I’m a grown man. Just gotta fast forward…And at the end of the day, she’s a young girl. I can’t really be focused on wife-ing somebody that young.”

That’s right, wife-ing. That’s the act of making some shawty yo wife. It’s a verb, like drinking, abusing, or douchebagging. I’m sure Rihanna is still broken up. Girls get that way even over breakups with abusive tools who can’t take the time to master ebonics.

Here’s Chris Brown at his birthday over the weekend doing solo. It’s painful to think about just how many girls offered to blow him for free.

Photo Credit: Splash

Good Luck Ever Selling That Car, Chris Brown

By Travis April 25, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

Chris Brown may be a douchebag, but he wants to remind everyone that he’s the king of all douchebags thanks to the new makeover that he ordered for his 2005 Lamborghini Gallardo. Just like his other Gallardo, Brown wanted to make sure that this one stood out when he pulled up to clubs, so he enlisted West Coast Customs founder Ryan Friedlinghaus to turn his Lambo into a giant Gobot.

Brown showed the new look off at the Supperclub in Hollywood on Tuesday night, where he partied with Wiz Khalifa, Ne-Yo and other rappers, before presumably leaving the club to drive home in that painted up new car that screams, “Hey, pull me over because I obviously make horrible decisions.”

Chris Brown Comes to Justin Bieber’s Defense

By Steve G. April 03, 2013 @ 9:09 AM

Chris Brown is an asshole version of Nanny McPhee. When you don’t need him and don’t want him, he’ll be there. (Yes, I did just make a Nanny McPhee reference. No, I don’t want to tell you how I know that.)

Brown compared himself to Bieber, saying the press has used both of them as punching bags. “With [Justin], it’s a case of how I feel. It’s being young, having limitless amount of income for whatever you want to do as a young guy. And then, at the same time, you don’t have nobody that’s gonna say, ‘Hey, bruh, you look whack right now.’”

Well that clears that up, he just didn’t know he couldn’t beat a woman unconscious because he has money. So next time Chris Brown decides to step out with a young lady and she complains that he…

“…punched her in the left eye with his right hand (and) continued to punch her in the face… The assault caused her mouth to fill with blood and blood to splatter over her clothing and the interior of the vehicle.”

…someone should pull him aside and tell him that he looks pretty whack right now. Chris they actually make a little remedy to cure this kind of stupidity, it’s called a Colt .45, suck on one. Rihanna can write a sad ballad about your tragic end and become even more famous. Then you’ll finally be even.