Chris Brown Ordered to Rehab for Being Thrown Out of Rehab

By Lex November 21, 2013 @ 6:53 PM

I remember voting in favor of ballot initiatives in California that send non-violent drug arrests to rehab instead of prison. I guess I didn’t read the fine print that said violent celebrity offenders also included. Chris Brown got kicked out of rehab for throwing a rock through the window of his mom’s car because she thought he should stay in rehab. He was in rehab for punching a dude in the face in D.C. Those seem like violent acts, but I guess it was technically gravity that caused the rock to smash through his mom’s window and in D.C., Chris was just helping his nation sign up less than willing younger people for ObamaCare. Celebrity jurisprudence decided to send Chris back to rehab as penalty for being booted out of rehab. On top of that, the ever popular community service. Except that Chris has only completed 20 hours of his 1000 hours of community service still on the books from his super non-violent hit and run earlier this year. It turns out, community service makes Chris Brown depressed. Which makes him a little less tough than Lindsay Lohan who did her 480 hours in the County Coroner’s office, drinking Stoly and toe-tagging bodies without so much as a whimper.

Anger Rehab Made Chris Brown So Angry

By Lex November 20, 2013 @ 4:44 PM

You’d think that violent outbursts in Anger Rehab were pretty common. Sort of like counselors discovering Courtney Love’s special rehab pillow cases were made entirely out of edible Oxycodone. Just a by-product of the environment. Apparently not so according to TMZ (who now uses ALL CAPS for emphasis since hiring teams of pre-menstrual high school girls to cover their celebrity beat):

Chris Brown went into a VIOLENT RAGE while in rehab earlier this month for his anger issues … TMZ has learned … throwing objects and breaking them. We’re told the rehab facility wanted him OUT after the incident … and that’s why he bailed after only 2 weeks.

According to TMZ, who is either right or about to forget to print a retraction, the D.A. is going to ask for Chris Brown’s Rihanna-beating probation to be revoked today. Getting kicked out of rehab does look pretty bad on the bullshit celebrity ‘I’m not a criminal, I’m sick’ legal defense resume. Is today the day Chris Brown finally gets his comeuppance behind lock and key? If I close my eyes, I can already see Chris sobbing out Look at Me Now while being given a forcible colonoscopy, but my Magic 8 Ball here says the outlook is not so good. The Magic 8 Ball is completely random, though still statistically 47% more accurate than TMZ.

Chris Brown Is Already Done With Anger Rehab

By Travis November 15, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

Singer Chris Brown checked himself into rehab on October 29 after he was accused of assaulting a man in Washington DC, and he had agreed to voluntarily spend up to three months as a patient at a Malibu facility in order to get to the bottom of his rage and violence issues. But fuck all of that, because he has already checked out after just 16 days, and, according to Radar, his people say that he’s going to serve out the rest of his treatment on an outpatient basis while “completing his community service in the Los Angeles area.” So if you’re out and about in L.A. and you see Chris picking up trash, don’t be afraid to tell him that he sucks, because he totally won’t flip out on you and try to kill you. A cured man would never do such a thing.

Photo Credit:

Chris Brown Sues Woman Suing Him Because He’s Bored

By Lex November 13, 2013 @ 2:09 PM

From deep within his Anger Management rehab lair in Malibu, Chris Brown is still effectively managing his personal empire like a stalwart mafia don on the inside. Step one, sue some opportunistic chick who’s suing him for knocking her to the ground at a nightclub last summer. Chris claims he’s innocent. To clear his good name, he’s suing Deanna Gines for defaming him by suing him. It all makes sense if you pay your Century City attorneys by the hour and you’re bored as fuck in fake rehab. You’d think Chris might have more important things on his mind as he faces jail for violating his probation in his latest assault case. But you’d be wrong. He doesn’t have important things on his mind. He’s Chris Brown.

Photo Credit: Deanna Gines/

Chris Brown’s Fury Ruined Halloween

By Lex October 31, 2013 @ 4:08 PM

Two night club Halloween parties canceled. One in L.A., one in Vegas. All thanks to mini-maestro Chris Brown and his fists of uncontrollable rage. I can’t imagine the disappointment of thinking you’re heading to a Chris Brown Halloween Party only to have Chris check himself into Bruce Banner rehab in Malibu. That sucks. No Chris Brown for you. Who the hell is going to punch you in the face because he thinks your costume is faggy. Or that you were touching his girl. Or because you look like the volunteer who used to fondle his nut sack in after-school care. Why, that’s not a Halloween at all.

Chris Brown Wants to Understand Why People Get Upset When He Hits Them

By Lex October 30, 2013 @ 3:27 PM

Chris Brown Performs At The iHeartRadio Festival In Las Vegas
You may remember that last time Chris Brown went to anger management counseling, he learned that he can’t be leaving visible marks on his bitches when he gets to feeling like a boiling teapot. But that was court appointed counseling. In the manner of the new celebrity justice S.O.P., Chris Brown has checked himself into anger management rehab before he’s formally rung up on his latest assault case.

“We talked today and he said, ‘I want to take some time and do a little introspection and understand everything that’s going on around me,’” lawyer Mark Geragos told the Daily News. “It was his decision, and he should be applauded.”

Yes, that lingo sounds exactly like Chris Brown. We should applaud a man who wants to understand everything going on around him. Like understanding that surprised dude standing over there with the bloody nose you just sucker punched in the face. Or that big ass bodyguard who travels with you to finish off your fights. Or that policeman coming toward you yelling at you to put your hands behind your back. All this understanding is going to take some quiet time. Preferably along the beach in Malibu with complementary WiFi. Dick.

Photo Credit: Getty