Chris Browns new album says he beats women

By brendon September 14, 2012 @ 2:49 PM

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Chris Browns new album ‘Fortune’ has been marked with warning stickers saying he beats women, though it’s not really an official thing, but the work of an anti-domestic violence campaign across London.

And he totally deserves it, because he’s an asshole who beats women (or “woman” at least), but I don’t get the warning. He’s… he’s not behind me is he? Is he here in the store? Wait where’s my girlfriend?

Rihanna hugged and kissed Chris Brown at the VMAs

By brendon September 07, 2012 @ 12:06 PM

Rihanna really is a moron who deserves every mean thing a boyfriend will ever do to her, because when she went on stage at the MTV VMA’s last night, Chris Brown hopped right up and they gave each other a little hug and kiss.

Keep in mind that the last time they were this close at an awards show, he was getting texts from another girl and then beat Rihanna when she found out. Most girls would still be mad just about the texts. And if they were beaten like Rihanna was, the only way they’d speak to you is to tell you what field they threw your penis in after cutting it off in your sleep.

(image source = getty)

Drake beat up Chris Brown over Rihanna (update!)

By brendon June 14, 2012 @ 12:55 PM

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Chris Brown, literally the least sympathetic ass-whooping victim on earth, had his ass whooped last night in New York after a fight broke out between him and Drake over Rihanna. “Hahaha”, said Everyone.

Rumor has it that Rihanna cheated on Brown with Drake while the two were going out, and the two have been at loggerheads ever since.
Brown (reportedly) tried to bury the hatchet by sending a bottle of champagne to Drake’s table at New York’s WIP nightclub, but the bottle was promptly returned with a message that read “I’m f*ckng the love of your life [Rihanna], deal with it.”
An altercation ensued, during which Drake allegedly punched Chris in the face before “someone” cracked his chin open with a bottle.

And Brown even tweeted the picture of his busted chin above, because, as it turns out, having someone stronger than you beat your ass for no reason kinda sucks. My only issue is that they were at a club and not a Renaissance fair where Drake could have hit Brown with a mace or pulled him apart with horses.

DELIGHTFUL UPDATE – now with pictures of blood on Browns Escalade, and if you didn’t think he deserved to get smashed in the face with a bottle before, please note that he replaced his Cadillac emblem with one of Optimus Prime.

(sorry to disappear yesterday btw. I’ve had some health issues for the past few months and every now and then it really fucks me up)

Chris Brown thinks the Syrian massacre was “not cool”

By brendon May 29, 2012 @ 1:22 PM

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At least 108 people in the Houla region of Syria, including 34 women and 49 children, were slaughtered over the weekend after loyalists to President Bashar Assad stormed though the poverty stricken villages and gunned down entire families to quell the 15-month uprising against Assad.

“OMG!!!!! Not cool”, Chris Brown noted on twitter. Because someone needed to put those jerks in their place. Atta’ boy Chris, let ‘em have it!

Chris Brown brags about “smashing” Rihanna like a pumpkin

By brendon May 10, 2012 @ 12:24 PM

You were wrong if you thought Chris Brown couldn’t be any more of a dickhead but in your defense, you didn’t know he was going to release a remix of the Kanye song ‘TheraFlu’ last night, and say this at the 1:12 mark:

“Don’t fuck with my old bitches
Like a bad fur
Every industry nigga did had her
Trick or treat like a pumpkin just to smash her.”

That may or may not be about Rihanna, but she seems to think it is because she unfollowed him on twitter last night, and then a short time later he unfollowed her. And I have to take her word for it because I don’t understand how an ex-girlfriend is like a bad fur, and I can’t even begin to translate “trick or treat like a pumpkin just to smash her.”

Is he saying the pumpkin goes trick or treating? And then gets to “smash” Rihanna? So the pumpkin gets to fuck Rihanna? I guess he could mean the pumpkin gets to punch Rihanna after trick or treating but, and I didn’t think it was possible either, but that somehow makes even less sense.

Chris Brown is breeding and selling pit bulls now

By brendon April 27, 2012 @ 1:18 PM

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Chris Brown is selling seven pit bull puppies for $1,000 each on a new site called CBBreeds. A name that actually sort of implies that he’s the one fucking the dogs and getting them pregnant but whatever.

A release from the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals Los Angeles (spcaLA) called Brown a “backyard breeder” and encouraged the singer to use his celebrity to encourage shelter adoptions.
“There is no reason to breed and produce more Pit Bull puppies when there are Pit puppies waiting for homes in every shelter in America,” said spcaLA President, Madeline Bernstein in the statement. “The $1000 price tag for a Chris Brown puppy could be better spent money saving the lives of shelter animals.”

What a dynamite idea. The only thing the public embraces more than guys who beat their girlfriends is young black guys who breed enormous pit bulls. This should get mainstream America back on his side in no time.