By Lex May 19, 2015 @ 11:02 AM
Ironic Jesus came to me in a dream and told me that if I watched enough music award shows, he’d make something heavy fall on Taylor Swift. A hanging speaker or roof panel or Adele. I relented and watched the Billboard music awards. Kanye was booed by the upper deck and his mom in heaven because he refused to splurge on the platinum lipo package. Mariah Carey was so tightly cinched her head threatened to go Scanners. At one point the assistant who holds the lint roller came up and wiped up visible smudges on her gown which turned out to be hemoglobin osmosed through her flesh. The Devil’s cut. Nothing fell. Where do I got to get my five minutes of fast forward back?
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Matt April 28, 2015 @ 8:05 AM
Bill Belichick was bustted checking out Chrissy Teigen’s ass at the White House Correspondent’s Dinner, a yearly gig where the President books future talk show appearances and actors and models feel vindicated for writing me-too political shit on their Twitter feeds. John Legend Tweeted the photo because it’s not as if there are ever going to be moments of his wife winning science fairs. She has nice ass. That’s not nothing. When she asks you why you love her, just say sweet and smart. She’ll know you mean ass but you won’t have to sleep on the couch. On the plus side, Belichick took a step closer to being human, even though he is clearly devising the most methodical way to rub one out later. I think you dropped something, Mrs. Glory Singer. Where are my blockers?
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Matt April 17, 2015 @ 6:32 AM
Since Chrissy Teigen’s stretch mark selflie, hordes of other hens have posted photos of their stretch marks to Instagram. It doesn’t take much for chicks these days to self congratulate themselves. Posting pictures of your spent tampon is always an efficient way to stick it to your step father or that TGI Friday’s manager who paid you the same as your male counterparts. I hadn’t realized you deserved a pat on the back for rapidly changing your body weight. Doctors would even advise against it. I’m confused. It seems there are entire aisles of products aimed at getting rid of stretch marks. If those fail just pretend they’re cool. Pretty soon I’ll be posting stern faced photos of my beer gut in the name of alcoholism and rocking a blue ribbon for liver cancer. Some women have stretch marks. I get it. People have hemorrhoids too. At what point do you keep it to yourself? I’d be willing to bet all these chicks at some point felt irrationally insecure about them. I’d feel insecure about these photos as well. There’s a middle ground. It’s called other people.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex April 14, 2015 @ 9:49 AM
The body acceptance bandwagon is leaving the station, ladies. Get on board or accept your role as part of the problem. You don’t necessarily want to highlight your every woman flaws until you’ve made yourself oodles of fame and fortune with a decade of Photoshopped modeling pictures. A marriage to a dude worth $20 million should be in the bag. Then, you are ready to show off some subtle stretch marks on your legs and point them out on Instagram. Real women get stretch marks. Deal with that, all you men out there who would give your left nut to bang Chrissy Teigen and don’t give a shit about her stretch marks. Pigs.
Photo Credit: Instagram/Sports Illustrated
By Lex March 12, 2015 @ 3:05 PM
I can already feel Chris Pine crying over my left shoulder. This is some pretty moving shit. John Legend and his troublemaking model wife with the spectacular yabbos got shot without their respective tops on along Miami Beach. Whoever they hired to wrangle away the crowds in no way stopped at least one paparazzi from shooting the topless shit out of Teigen’s bare breasts moist from the ocean blue. Sometimes paparazzi take creepy pictures of toddlers in the park or cause pre-op trannies to plow into innocents on the PCH. But you can’t throw the baby out with the bathwater when the baby is a sweet pair of Eurasian titties we’ve been waiting years to see fully.
Photo Credit: INF
By Lex March 06, 2015 @ 1:07 PM
That uneasy feeling you get when you realize Chris Brown has shut you out of his life. There’s really no preparing for it. It hits you like a dirty hand of hot Chinese mustard to the lachrymal gland. You’ll pretend you’re just vulnerable from your period, but really you’re hurting much deeper. The place where Chris Brown used to touch you. No, deeper. Yep, there. Now understand that it will never feel this way again and let flow the sorrowful torrents. Thankfully Chrissy Teigen drinks. It’s like crying in reverse.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet/INF