AGUILERA, CHUPACABRA ARE NEW MOMS

By brendon January 12, 2008 @ 9:29 AM

Christina Aguilera gave birth this morning in Los Angeles at around 4am.  It is the first child for her and husband Jordan Bratman, whom she married in November of 2005.  E! news says:

The couple announced the birth in a quick text message to friends and family around 4 p.m.: "Baby has arrived. Mom and dad are doing well!"
There were no further details immediately available. "As soon as I have more information I will let you know," the singer's rep said.

And a few hours earlier at the very same hospital, the Chupacabra gave birth to … god only knows … something ugly I promise you that.   People says:

Nicole Richie and her boyfriend Joel Madden are the parents of a daughter.
Harlow Winter Kate Madden was born Friday at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center and weighed 6 lbs. 7 oz.
"The beautiful healthy baby girl left the hospital with her ecstatic parents," says the rep, who confirmed the birth to PEOPLE exclusively.

No word on when the first pictures of Harlow will show up, or if film will even agree to capture her image.  There's no way around it, this bitch is gonna be ugly.  I think a funny joke would have been for the doctor to take one look and then push it back in, saying "I don't think this ones done yet!"  Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!



DO NOT WANT – UPDATE

By brendon November 28, 2007 @ 11:18 PM

Pregnant women are absolutely terrifying, and all the naked pop superstars in the world aren't ever gonna convince me otherwise.  She might as well burst into a thousand beetles or have snakes crawling out of her mouth this is so god damn creepy.

(better copies HERE and HERE)

 

SEXY UPDATE – well, not really an update, just photoshopped treachery, thanks to Bill and his shared disgust for pregnant fatties.  Do you see how quickly a naked chick goes from creepy to hot once you remove the human being crawling around inside of them?   So if you see Christina Aguilera today, and you see a guy next to her who isn't punching her in the stomach, rest assured, that's not me.  Or Bill. 



CHRISTINA FORGOT SOMETHING

By brendon November 21, 2007 @ 10:58 AM

Pregnant women are gross, but Christina Aguilera is hot and chicks with no underwear are hot.  And last night at Amalfi restaurant in Hollywood, those worlds collided.  And the result is a day my penis won't soon forgot.  I showed him these, and he got very quiet.  Then he put on his coat and walked around town, lost in thought, absentmindedly kicking a can down the sidewalk.  The he went and fed some ducks at the park.  Last I saw him he was at the beach on some rocks, watching the sun go down and trying to figure out what it all means.  Should he be turned on?  Disgusted?  It's times like this we find out what we're really made of, my friends. 

RANDOM MORNING STUFF

By brendon November 15, 2007 @ 11:44 AM

SHERYL CROW IS UPTIGHT – Sheryl Crow doesn't approve of her ex-boyfriend Lance Armstrong dating Ashley Olsen.  Presumably because Lance is 36 and Ashley is 21.  Life and Style says, "Sheryl rolled her eyes and said, 'That's pathetic. Ashley's a kid.' "  Whatever.  Sheryl is just jealous because she's 45, and now her ex is stabbin someone half her age.  If they even are having sex.  Maybe Lance just likes her as a companion.  Ashley Olsen is an amazing woman, and like all 21 year old girls, I bet she has some really fascinating stories.  

BRITNEY CANCELS HER VIDEO - Britney Spears was supposed to shoot the second video from "Blackout" tomorrow, but she has abruptly canceled.  Not surprisingly, the production team assumed this would happen, so they've been rehearsing with a stand-in and are even prepared to shoot some of the video with the double posing as Britney.  Britney will only be needed for close-ups, presumably of her chewing and dancing, then bending over and gasping for air.

KANYE WILL NOT PERFORM TONIGHT – Kanye West has cancelled his performance at tonights Victoria's Secret Fashion Show to mourn the death of his mother, Donda.  Nobody likes a quitter Kanye.

CHRISTINA AGUILERA IS HAVING A BOY
– As first reported by OK! last week, Christina was seen, "on a blue-themed shopping spree at celeb baby boutique Petit Tresor" and if that's not all the proof you need that she's having a boy, while speaking to reporters Tuesday night, Christina referred to her baby as "him."  Still not convinced?  Try punching her in the stomach.  If she says, "oh no, my unborn son!", well there you go.  If not, hey, no harm done.



CHRISTINA AGUILERA IS RADIANT

By brendon November 14, 2007 @ 11:29 AM

Jordan Bratmans sperm must have some kind of poison in it because Chritina Aguilera looked like complete hell at the launch Of Rock The Vote 2008 last night.  She must just fill her sink with foundation and then dunk her head in it.  That shit is thicker than armor.  It wouldn't kill me to never see those giant fake lashes again either.  If she blinks really fast she could probably fly.

CHRISTINA IS HALLOWEENY

By brendon November 01, 2007 @ 3:12 PM

I assume it was Jordan Bratmans idea for his wife to spend Halloween with her giant boobs on full display, and god bless him.  Stuff like this is why I can't wait to get married.  Because then the woman is the mans property and she has to do whatever he says.  If there's a problem, maybe her friends the broom and the dustpan can talk some sense into her.