BAM!

By brendon February 06, 2008 @ 10:27 AM

Christina Aguileras nose seems to get bigger every day as she gets more and more pregnant, but who cares, because so do her boobs, as you can tell in these pictures taken yesterday at a signing of her Back To Basics DVD.  She looks s a little rough, but at least she had the good sense to accentuate her enormous rack.  In fact in some of these I swear there's a spotlight on it, as if her boobs are in some kind of talent show.  A talent show about bouncing.

HASTILY WRITTEN UPDATE – oh yeah, she had her kid last month, didn't she.  a boy named max.  too many of these whores are pregnant, its hard to keep track, and its national signing day so im all distracted.  if patrick johnson decommits from lsu im gonna fuckin kill myself.



MAX LIRON BRATMAN

By brendon January 14, 2008 @ 1:49 PM

I know it was already mentioned over the weekend that Christina Aguilera gave birth to a son, her first child with husband Jordan Bratman, but details at the time were sketchy and so here you go.  People.com says:

Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman welcomed a baby boy on Saturday at 10:05 p.m.
"Christina and Jordan are proud to announce the birth of their son Max Liron Bratman. He is a beautiful, healthy baby boy!" a rep for the couple tells PEOPLE. "Mom is resting and doing well!"
Despite various media reports that Aguilera had her baby on Friday, Max – 6 lbs. 2 oz. and 20.5 inches long – arrived late Saturday night in L.A.

"Max".  Nice.  Leave it to Christina Aguilera to giver her son a normal, dignified male name.  I hate these stupid Hollywood names.  Spec Wildhorse (John Mellencamp).  Tu Morrow (Rob Morrow).   Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee).  Kal-el (Nic Cage).   It's like these kids came here on a spaceship.  Might as well have named him, Dunk My Head In The Toilet Mellencamp.

AGUILERA, CHUPACABRA ARE NEW MOMS

By brendon January 12, 2008 @ 9:29 AM

Christina Aguilera gave birth this morning in Los Angeles at around 4am.  It is the first child for her and husband Jordan Bratman, whom she married in November of 2005.  E! news says:

The couple announced the birth in a quick text message to friends and family around 4 p.m.: "Baby has arrived. Mom and dad are doing well!"
There were no further details immediately available. "As soon as I have more information I will let you know," the singer's rep said.

And a few hours earlier at the very same hospital, the Chupacabra gave birth to … god only knows … something ugly I promise you that.   People says:

Nicole Richie and her boyfriend Joel Madden are the parents of a daughter.
Harlow Winter Kate Madden was born Friday at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center and weighed 6 lbs. 7 oz.
"The beautiful healthy baby girl left the hospital with her ecstatic parents," says the rep, who confirmed the birth to PEOPLE exclusively.

No word on when the first pictures of Harlow will show up, or if film will even agree to capture her image.  There's no way around it, this bitch is gonna be ugly.  I think a funny joke would have been for the doctor to take one look and then push it back in, saying "I don't think this ones done yet!"  Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!



DO NOT WANT – UPDATE

By brendon November 28, 2007 @ 11:18 PM

Pregnant women are absolutely terrifying, and all the naked pop superstars in the world aren't ever gonna convince me otherwise.  She might as well burst into a thousand beetles or have snakes crawling out of her mouth this is so god damn creepy.

(better copies HERE and HERE)

 

SEXY UPDATE – well, not really an update, just photoshopped treachery, thanks to Bill and his shared disgust for pregnant fatties.  Do you see how quickly a naked chick goes from creepy to hot once you remove the human being crawling around inside of them?   So if you see Christina Aguilera today, and you see a guy next to her who isn't punching her in the stomach, rest assured, that's not me.  Or Bill. 



CHRISTINA FORGOT SOMETHING

By brendon November 21, 2007 @ 10:58 AM

Pregnant women are gross, but Christina Aguilera is hot and chicks with no underwear are hot.  And last night at Amalfi restaurant in Hollywood, those worlds collided.  And the result is a day my penis won't soon forgot.  I showed him these, and he got very quiet.  Then he put on his coat and walked around town, lost in thought, absentmindedly kicking a can down the sidewalk.  The he went and fed some ducks at the park.  Last I saw him he was at the beach on some rocks, watching the sun go down and trying to figure out what it all means.  Should he be turned on?  Disgusted?  It's times like this we find out what we're really made of, my friends. 

RANDOM MORNING STUFF

By brendon November 15, 2007 @ 11:44 AM

SHERYL CROW IS UPTIGHT – Sheryl Crow doesn't approve of her ex-boyfriend Lance Armstrong dating Ashley Olsen.  Presumably because Lance is 36 and Ashley is 21.  Life and Style says, "Sheryl rolled her eyes and said, 'That's pathetic. Ashley's a kid.' "  Whatever.  Sheryl is just jealous because she's 45, and now her ex is stabbin someone half her age.  If they even are having sex.  Maybe Lance just likes her as a companion.  Ashley Olsen is an amazing woman, and like all 21 year old girls, I bet she has some really fascinating stories.  

BRITNEY CANCELS HER VIDEO - Britney Spears was supposed to shoot the second video from "Blackout" tomorrow, but she has abruptly canceled.  Not surprisingly, the production team assumed this would happen, so they've been rehearsing with a stand-in and are even prepared to shoot some of the video with the double posing as Britney.  Britney will only be needed for close-ups, presumably of her chewing and dancing, then bending over and gasping for air.

KANYE WILL NOT PERFORM TONIGHT – Kanye West has cancelled his performance at tonights Victoria's Secret Fashion Show to mourn the death of his mother, Donda.  Nobody likes a quitter Kanye.

CHRISTINA AGUILERA IS HAVING A BOY
– As first reported by OK! last week, Christina was seen, "on a blue-themed shopping spree at celeb baby boutique Petit Tresor" and if that's not all the proof you need that she's having a boy, while speaking to reporters Tuesday night, Christina referred to her baby as "him."  Still not convinced?  Try punching her in the stomach.  If she says, "oh no, my unborn son!", well there you go.  If not, hey, no harm done.