EVA LONGORIA IS A DAMN MIDGET

By brendon March 16, 2007 @ 3:02 PM

Please believe me when I tell you that you have 50 chicks in your office right now better looking that some of Hollywood's famous stars.  Marcia Cross looks like she'd burst into flames right this second if the sun came out.  She'd certainly crumble to dust if you poked her.  Thanks to that smart ass judge with the God complex and the sensitivity classes that followed my "incident", I know that Eva Longoria isn't technically a gnome, but unless that car is three stories tall, I'm still pretty sure I could carry her around in my pocket.  Don't get me wrong, short chicks are fuckin hot, it's just weird you see some of these chicks and there's something like a car in the picture to give perspective.  Like Jessica Simpson here.  Or Christina Aguilera here.  Can Jessica even reach the peddles on a human sized car. Or do her adorable little feet just sexily dangle over the edge of the seat, her hard smooth legs flexing and stretching, erotically kicking for the brake and she hotly rams into a tree.

Um, okay I'm not really sure where I was going with that.



CHRISTINA AGUILERA FORGOT SOMETHING

By brendon March 05, 2007 @ 7:43 AM

Christina Aguilera was in Vegas for a concert Saturday night at the Mandalay Bay Hotel, then rushed over to host an after-party down the street at Pure in Caesars Palace.  And maybe that's why she didn't have time to put on any underwear.  Is it that, or is it maybe because she's just coming into her own as a sensual woman and wants to get to know the pleasures of life!  Who knows what passions may burn in her heart!

NELLY INVOLVED WITH NBA GUNFIGHT

By brendon February 19, 2007 @ 3:09 PM

Las Vegas police are investigating a shooting at a strip club that was hosting a post NBA All-Star Game party.  Several celebrities were in attendance including rapper Nelly.  Eyewitnesses say a fight broke out after the celebrities threw thousands of dollar bills onto the strip club stage just before 5am this morning.  According to police, the club's security escorted everyone outside.  Minutes later there were five gunshots.  Police say three people have been shot, two are in critical condition.  Police are also investigating a shooting inside the parking garage at the MGM Grand that took place just before 4am and is thought to be related to the All Star Game.  One person was shot in the hip and is expected to recover.   Las Vegas police are reporting 300 people involved in NBA related festivities have been arrested since Thursday.  Police also say it's about god dammed time rappers and dudes from the NBA went to a gun range and got a little practice.  3 people shot with 5 bullets is like the best percentage ever recorded for a rap star gunfight.  Normally they couldn't hit the Statue of Liberty if you gave them an AK-47 and 6 hours.  This shooter shouldn't be arrested, he should be  immortalized.  The mayor should give him the key to the city on the stairs of a courthouse or put his picture on a coin. 

(the pictures are Christina at halftime of the all-star game)



JORDAN BRATMAN IS A SORCERER

By brendon February 07, 2007 @ 3:41 PM

Christina Aguilera says she has no problem walking around the house naked when home alone with husband Jordan Bratman.  In fact, they even have an entire day devoted to it.  CNN says:

"We claim ourselves to be the coziest couple ever. We have something called 'naked Sundays,' " Aguilera tells Ellen DeGeneres in an interview set to air Wednesday … “You have to keep marriage alive, spice it up," says Aguilera. So the couple stays in on Sundays, she says. "We do everything naked. We cook naked."  "You cook naked?" asks DeGeneres.  Aguilera replies: "Yeah, we cook naked."  "Nothing with grease — that could splatter," says DeGeneres.  "Well, unless you want the grease," Aguilera replies.

I would normally make fun of Jordan Bratman here and point out how amazingly out of his league he is, but he's clearly some kind of wizard, since that's the only rational explanation for him punching this kind of kitty.  And also because one time I tried to shoot him because I was jealous but when I whipped my gun out he turned it into a bouquet of flowers.  And then he turned me into a little piggy.  True story!



CHRISTINAS MARRIAGE IS IN TROUBLE?

By brendon December 18, 2006 @ 5:24 PM

Life & Style magazine says that the marriage of Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman may be in trouble after just the first year.  The two were married almost exactly 13 months ago, on November 19, 2005 in Napa Valley.  A source tells the mag:

"The couple has been seen partying sans wedding rings. On December 6, Christina left Hotel Plaza Athenee in Paris without her ring, she looked upset. Over the course of three nights, Jordon did the club scene with friends- also without his ring. He was looking sad and distressed."

Sources say the trouble began when Christina Aguilera realized she's Christina Aguilera and she's married to a cartoon turtle.  This dude should be trying to talk his mail order bride out of the bathroom, not Christina Aguilera into anal.


THIS DUCK IS SMOOTH

By brendon October 27, 2006 @ 11:22 AM

I’m not technically a veterinarian, but I'm pretty sure this picture is 100 percent real.  Ducks are natures perverts.  I don't really like to talk about it, but trust me, I was raised on the bayou.  It's still pretty I WAS RAPED, OKAY!  ARE YOU HAPPY – I WAS RAPED!  THERE, NOW YOU KNOW!  (brendon runs off and locks himself in the bathroom, the shower starts to run)