If Christina Aguilera is the kind of person who writes out her goals, and her goals for last nights seemingly endless tribute to Aretha Franklin on the Grammys were to…
1. Get fatter.
2. Scream until all people hear is a ringing sound.
3. Fall down.
Then it was another home run for Christina, because that’s what she did. Luckily she caught herself and didn’t hit the ground. The two singers next to her tried to help but unless they both happen to be Superman, she probably would still be there right now.
Back in October, Christina Aguilera’s 9 year relationship and 6 year marriage to Jordan Bratman came to an end, just 12 days before the release of her movie Burlesque. Unfortunately the movie kind of sucked, so that didn’t really help her mood any either (in 10 weeks it’s made $81.5 million worldwide).
After that she reportedly sunk into a depression that ended with her unannounced and uninvited at Jeremy Renner’s birthday party, where she got drunk and passed out on his bed. Those two had never previously met, by the way.
So, with all that in mind…
…her staff banded together with a plan to persuade her to get some help.
But when Aguilera caught wind of their plan, she threatened to fire all of them for even suggesting that she has a problem, a source told Page Six.
“They wanted to talk to her carefully about the issue, but they’re not going to because they are scared after she threatened to fire them. Her people desperately want this to come out so she will get help.”
To be fair, having a disappointment like she did can drive anyone to drink. Or at least that’s what my dad told me after I dropped that touchdown in pee-wee football.
The National Anthem is 8 lines long. And it’s not some random collection of flowery words. It’s a story. The American flag was flying above Fort McHenry during fighting with the British in the War of 1812. It was there as the sun went down. As fighting went on it could be seen as the sky was lit up by explosions. At dawn, the flag was still there. Fort McHenry had been defended. It’s really not that tough to understand, or remember.
Unless you’re Christina Aguilera, who messed up the lyrics last night at the, uh, do I have to say “the Big Game”. Are they gonna sue me if I say Superbowl? Fuckers. But instead of singing, “O’er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming,” she sang, “What so proudly we watched at the twilight’s last gleaming?” But at least she’s apologized…
“I can only hope that everyone could feel my love for this country and that the true spirit of its anthem still came through.”
Obviously this isn’t really a big deal. She made a mistake, and she probably feels terrible. It happens. But she should have had a teleprompter. If nothing else than to block her big ass hips. I bet she wouldn’t just try to wing it if it was really important to her, like a recipe for double chocolate bacon brownies.
NO STRINGS ATTACHED – was the only new movie in theaters this week, and it made 20 million to win a very slow weekend box office. So finally we’ve discovered that people will watch an Ashton Kutcher movie, as long as they have nothing else to choose from. (box office mojo)
SKINS – has lost two more sponsors, Subway and Schick, citing concerns that the show may be child pornography. Jersey Shore went through this same kind of thing when they started, though for different reasons, and now it’s the biggest show MTV has. It’s also dumb on Schicks part because I assume pedophiles buy lots of razors. (hr, tmz)
CHRISTINA AGUILERA – will sing the National Anthem at the Super Bowl in two weeks, then play guard for Pittsburgh. (the sun)
OPRAH WINFREY – revealed on todays show that she has a sister she never knew about. “Oprah explained that her mother had kept her pregnancy a secret and (gave the baby) up for adoption when she was nine years old.” Wait, Oprah was 9? And she never noticed her mom was pregnant? Jeez, open your eyes dummy. And women take advice from this dolt? (ew)
ELISHA CUTHBERT – has still got it, as she showed in the Toronto airport this weekend. “It” being horrible taste in clothes and a nose like a piggy. (splash)
Tina Yothers Christina Aguilera is not only fat and ugly these days, but she’s also a lush who crashes parties and passes out drunk in strangers beds too. I’m honestly surprised there’s not a part in this story where she pisses on herself.
Popping up uninvited at Jeremy Renner’s 40th birthday bash on January 8, Aguilera, 30, got “wasted” then lay down in the star’s bed, a source tells the new Us Weekly.
“Someone comes and tells me she’s in my room,” (Renner told friends). “I run up and open the door and I’m like, ‘Um, hi. What are you doing?’ She just starts slurring. Her boyfriend was rubbing her back. Who comes to someone’s birthday party that they don’t know and gets in their bed?! My parents were there!”
Adds another source, “Christina was a mess at that party. She acted like a fool. Her boyfriend was shushing her and telling her to go to sleep.”
It’s too bad that she’s not hot anymore, because then the answer to the question, “Who comes to someone’s birthday party that they don’t know and gets in their bed”, would have been, “That girl covered in my semen, that’s who.”
No point in denying it. No point in ignoring it. It’s official. Christina Aguilera is ugly now. She used to be a crazy hot little piece of ass, but she put on like 15 pounds and it’s turned her into a monster. Which is unbelievable because that’s not very much weight. But she still tries to be sexy. It’s gross. Who is she blowing kisses too? Is someone dressed as a slice of pizza?