Can we just be serious for one second please. How GD amazing is it that Jordan Bratman gets to F Christina Aguilera?  More people were killed by gorillas last year than dudes who pulled ass this far out of their league.  I can't believe I never even got to sleep with her once.  I think maybe she was put off by my promiscuous past.  I made it clear to her that I'd never been with a prostitute (in this country) and I even showed her my negative test for STD's, but she wouldn't give it up.  Granted my STD test was a true-false test that I wrote myself, and upon closer inspection it would appear I do in fact have several STD's, but the test is framed in a frame showing Tigger sitting on Winnie the Poohs tummy.  Awwwww!

I really don't think its too much to ask that all pregnant chicks look like Christina Aguilera.  And by that I mean, don't change in any way except for getting enormous boobs.  I don't need to see something kicking around inside your giant stomach like there's a damn alien in there who's gonna punch its way out then chase me across the room.  Pregnant chicks are so unnatural.  They're terrifying.  It seems like we should have a better system for this by now.  Can't we grow those little fuckers in a lab or something.  Some of the early kids may get giganticism or have glow in the dark tentacles or something, but look at Britney’s fat little lumps or that goblin Ben Affleck had.  The natural way isn't so great either, now is it.

These pictures won't settle whether Christina Aguilera is pregnant or not, but they will settle whether Christina Aguilera has giant implants or not.  No one was asking that question, but the answer is yes, yes she does.  Those things are awesome.  Honest to God, I don't think I've ever been this impressed by any human accomplishment that didn't end with a touching medal ceremony.



Two weeks ago, the rumors began that Christina Aguilera was pregnant with husband Jordan Bratman.  Now a "well placed source" confirms those rumors to Page Six:

The rumors that Christina Aguilera is expecting a baby "are definitely true," according to a well-placed source. "She's been telling friends," said one snitch, who revealed, "she has to be three months now, because she's announcing it." This would be the first for Aguilera and her husband, Jordan Bratman.

I guess this means she'll have to start being a lot more conservative, and while some will miss the way she would dress all trampy for awards shows and costume parties, I'll miss the quiet times when we just sat by the fire and read a good book.

Christina Aguilera showed up at one of her concert after parties last Friday night wearing pretty much the tightest, shortest skirt of all time.  And even though her face is kind of a mess here, she still looked fantastic.  Because hot chicks who dress like tramps are fantastic.  This of course makes it all the more amazing that Jordan Bratman gets to sleep with her.  Not only is he goofy lookin, but he's almost cartoonishly Jewish.  He's like a drawing you'd see of a Jewish person in an neo-Nazi flyer, right next to a picture of 2Pac.  And in the cartoon "the covetous Jew" is wearing a cape and a top hat and rubbing his hands together over a pile of gold coins.  It's just funny to see him with what could be the Aryan poster girl.  I bet this is what Hitler sees when he closes his eyes.  Then he wakes up in a cold sweat.  “Nein, nein!  Ich werde Sie bekommen, Jordan Bratman!"