By Lex September 04, 2014 @ 10:17 AM
I feel like we were just getting to know the real War Machine. The MMA fighter slash adult film stunt cock slash gay private party server slash best boyfriend ever. They just hit him with 32 counts of assault against the porn star girlfriend who really got under his skin. I’m not sure who counted that up. I thought you just got assault for beating the crap out of somebody. But I guess when you’re a fucking war machine, every blow is a separate count.
War Machine’s enhanced whey powder fanatics are defending their favorite lady beater by insisting that Christy Mack wasn’t beat up as bad as she claims. As far as legal defenses go, that’s not such a strong one. If the dude Christy was banging when War Machine found her wasn’t a witness, he might stand a chance of some bullshit plea. But as it is, he’s looking at life behind bars, or a 2-game suspension from the NFL.
I’m not a huge fan of alternative sentencing, but couldn’t we maybe drop this guy in Syria and give him 36 hours to go find the crazy Muslim who runs ISIS and take him out. That’s what we would’ve done if Rambo had knocked his girl senseless. A War Machine behind bars seems pretty senseless. If he imagines all the ISIS bastards are his cheating girlfriend, he could probably get this done. We could plant a homing chip in his neck tattoo like they did to Snake Plissken. If Reagan were still President, War Machine would already be halfway to Damascus.
Photo credit: Twitter
By Matt August 11, 2014 @ 5:33 PM
It appears War Machine caught porn star girlfriend Christy Mack fucking another dude before he beat the living shit out of her. War Machine is now a fugitive but tweeted some weird shit to Mack from his bunker which suggests that relationships between ex-cons and porn stars can be trying at best:
I only wish that man hadn’t been there and that Christy & I would behappily engaged.I don’t know y I’m so cursed.One day truth will come out.
I love you and hope you’re okay. I came him early to surprise you and help you set up for your convention. I can’t believe what I found and can’t believe what happened… All I wanted was to surprise you and help and do something nice…now this… I’m so heart broken…in all ways. I will always love you.
It’s possible he caught her performing a voodoo seance which conflicted with his Christian values, but more than likely Mack was getting plowed by the mailman. Given his ten million arrests and imprisonments for violent outbursts, it’s also possible War Machine is a horse juice fueled lunatic who thinks there are times when beating a woman half to death is appropriate. I don’t think there are, but if you had to pick a time that might be it. If you are with a guy named War Machine and have somebody else’s dick inside you when he gets back early from Home Depot, some shit might go down. If I worked for ESPN, I would now be suspended.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Lex January 30, 2014 @ 1:53 PM
If there’s two things nerds love, it’s Legos and sex with rubberized versions of female vaginas while thinking of that chick from Battlestar Galactica, doesn’t matter which one. Imagine the rampage of palm sweat that took place when porn star Christy Mack went on Twitter to tell Lego nerds everywhere that she’d blow the lid off their oral virginity if they built her something Lego awesome. I have no idea what connection Christy Mack has with Lego, but apparently it’s not strong as the Danish toymaker told her to cease and desist using their name in her sucky proposal.
This seems like a pretty classic misstep by Lego of not understanding their customer’s complementary pursuits. They just spit in the face of millions of nerds who for their entire lives have dreamed of a porn star gobbling their knobs while they assembled their Boba Fett slave ship. Maybe the NFL should start calling people losers for drinking beer or the women on The View should tell their audience to get a fucking job already. You’re not selling a product, you’re selling happiness to a person.
Some dude and his nerd buddy built this for the competition. I guess they were planning on receiving their prize together. Now, what will these two lonely, desperate, and horny geekboys do trapped alone in their Lego build room? Way to make your customers gay, Lego.