By Lex July 22, 2015 @ 8:30 AM
Russell Wilson and Ciara decided Access Hollywood was as private as any place to announce they were not going to fuck each other until they were married. For Wilson this was a profoundly religious decision based on a conversation with a very important friend:
[Ciara] was on tour, and I was looking at her in the mirror, and God spoke to me. He said, ‘I need you to lead her.’
God is like that. He won’t remind you to hand the ball to Lynch up the middle for the ring, but he’s right there to deny you fornication with the hot chick who can fuck like a fiend. That’s the thing about faith. It tests you like a motherfucker.
Ciara admits it’s been tough to keep her hungry vagina free and clear of famous black guy cock for any length of time, but given that she just had the rapper Future’s baby and her twat is still healing from 50 Cent and Cam Newton back to back, an ice pack and some healing time might be the right call. So, like virginity, but the exact opposite. Wilson is quick to note it’s hard for him as well to keep his paws off his hot girlfriend, but that focusing on the upcoming season and hot male cock in his hands and mouth ease the burden. This should go well.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Matt April 24, 2015 @ 7:04 AM
Russell Wilson has been porking pop singer Ciara and is now taking her to the White House Correspondent’s Dinner if she promises not to bring her own bottle of hot sauce in her clutch. Besides being a singer which can only be verified by her Wiki page, Ciara is adept at getting fucked by famous dudes. She has dated rappers Bow Wow, Fifty Cent, and Future, with whom she has a most certainly DNA test verified kid, as well as NBA player Amar’e Stoudemire. Wilson’s choir boy image could take a hit if any ex-lovers attend the wedding and a gang fight breaks out over the color of their ties. Ciara might be a nice chick who flies by the seat of her pants and is attracted to alpha male types who just happen to have a lot of money and be at the pinnacle of their careers. Or she could squeeze the contents of the condom into her when you pass out. You only live once. Go long.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex August 13, 2014 @ 2:36 PM
Ciara spun the rapper wheel of sperm and got knocked up by Future, who proceeded to fuck around on her because he’s a rapper and his name is Future. With their baby, also named Future, just three months old, Ciara has told Future to take a hike because she’s heartsick from his cheating ways. I guess Ciara’s heart isn’t well-versed in the rapper fidelity statistics put out each year by the RIAA. The odds are not in your favor, Katniss.
“I knew right away that he was different. Now he’s my best friend in the world, my partner.”
But that was a full month ago in Brides magazine with Ciara talking about her pending wedding to her baby daddy. You know, talking about her Future. This slight error in judgement shouldn’t be used against Ciara when she starts writing celebrity motherhood and relationship books. You want advice from a woman who thought a 25-year old rapper was the perfect partner. You can’t be the shepherd until you’ve fucked a few sheep.
Photo credit: Splash News
By Travis February 13, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
In a very important reminder that she still technically has a job, Kim Kardashian filmed a segment of her “reality” series at a high end baby store in Los Angeles yesterday. And to show that she’s really still one of the most powerful women in the world with scores of A-list celebrity friends at her disposal, Kim was with Ciara, who is a singer or actress or something like that. Needless to say, a small crowd of idiots formed to gawk at Kim, so she put on her most serious “I just queefed and the aroma is stunning” face and she looked down the whole way to make sure that she didn’t trip over her own giant ass that was squeezed into a ridiculously tight leather skirt.
Photo Credits: Michael Wright/WENN.com
By Lex November 07, 2013 @ 4:59 PM
Hollywood award shows in general are sucky bits of self-congratulatory circle jerks among people who call themselves artists. The People’s Choice Awards raises the self-satisfaction bar a bit higher by allowing millions of teen girls to decide on the winners. I think the Jonas Brothers win for most heterosexual siblings each year, just to show you the information level of the voters. I guess Ciara really wants one of these trophies for her mantel, next to the trophies she won for 3rd grade attendance and losing a rapper boyfriend to Chelsea Handler. So she wore an incredibly short skirt to the nominations event and flashed her panties a bit. It probably won’t help her with the teen girl voters or the Jonas Brothers for that matter, but it was enough to get me to Google Ciara and learn that bit about 50 Cent swapping out her coop for Chelsea Handler’s. That had to be an ego bruise.
Photo Credit: WENN
By Lex April 15, 2013 @ 4:03 PM
Contrary to popular opinion, hot girls aren’t swarming around gay men in Hollywood. Closeted gay actors, for sure. They’ve got supermodels hanging on their arms and telling tales of insatiable hetero appetites. But an openly gay channel like Logo holds their big awards show and, meh, not much talent. J-Woww showed up and flashed her boobs in a perfunctory manner. Fergie came looking for her husband. And Ciara dispelled rumors that she was born with male genitalia by whipping out her dick in the men’s room and taking a leak into Ryan Seacrest’s gaping maw. An uneventful evening by all accounts.
Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin