Cindy Crawford Too Real

By Matt March 02, 2015 @ 7:07 AM


The photographer who took this leaked photo of Cindy Crawford claims it was stolen and then photoshopped to make Crawford look past her prime. Also, he concluded that the cops framed OJ. The photographer’s hired a lawyer to send out cease and desist letters to news outlets and the fugly women who use this as their screensaver. Fuck, I’ll be getting two.

This is a slap in the gut to the chorus of Mercer Island lesbians who were empowered by this because they’ve confused being unattractive with making a social statement. Crawford is 49 and has two kids. Nobody expects her to be carved out of marble. It’s some people’s job to look perfect. They’re called models. When they take a fairly revolting photo they normally have the sim card heel crushed by a German porn star and then they mechanically pose in a supine position for hours until they capture the lighting that negates whatever happened here. They cry and post it to Instagram in an attempt to set the record straight.

Crawford is ashamed at what the women’s rights crowd considers real. Because what they consider real is someone at their worst. Both taut sex objects and those confined to a futon have social security cards. That’s the secret. You’re all real. Some are just hotter than others. Have some integrity and gain some more weight. We’re drinking beer at the softball park and liberating the shit out of ourselves.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Cindy Crawford Gets An A For Effort

By Matt February 18, 2015 @ 7:11 AM


This photo from a Marie Claire shoot features a completely untouched image of 48 year old Cindy Crawford. It’s generating a chorus of applause from women pretending to champion the imperfection of the natural woman’s body. We’re now at the pendulum swing where you get credit for taking a bad photo. Blast some floodlights onto those wrinkles, now push your gut out and can we get a close-up on that ingrown hair? Is that eczema? Zoom in ! This photo wasn’t even supposed to go out. Somebody found it in the circular files. A far more flattering candid photo of Crawford taken by her husband got zero adulation. Why? There is a vocal minority of women who instead of looking at the empty Claim Jumper boxes piled up in their recycling bin or just admitting they didn’t hit the genetic lottery, push the theory that a chauvinist conspiracy has dictated the tastes of consumers around the world. Other way around, frumpy. I know you like it when models take bad photos, but they get paid to take good ones. Enjoy the novelty, it won’t last.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Cindy Crawford Selling the Cleanse

By Lex June 09, 2014 @ 11:45 AM

Cindy Crawford Poses In A Tank Top To Promote Urban Remedy In Malibu
There comes a point in the life cycle of every supermodel when you stop selling sex and you start selling wrinkle creams and the gentle means to unclog your lady shitter. Elvis died from having his pipes ballooning with ancient fecal beasts intended for the trash chute. Cindy Crawford will be damned if that’s going to happen to a bunch of people with enough disposable income and submissions to blind celebrity association to purchase Urban Remedy. It’s a juice colonic that will power cleanse your body of that steak you ate at Denny’s in 1997. Cindy’s still working on a tag line for the product, with ‘Shit on my mole and feel like a winner’ currently in the lead. Cindy may regret the official end of her sex appeal, but she won’t regret the buck seventy she receives every time somebody drops a semi-soft deuce that smells like Christmas.

Photo Credit:

Cindy Crawford’s Tits Can Still Sell Watches

By Lex March 26, 2014 @ 4:10 PM

Cindy Crawford In A Swimsuit For An Omega Watch SS14 Campaign
I don’t know how old Cindy Crawford is exactly and I’m not going to Google it because I’ll spend several hours looking at old nude photos of her. I don’t have time for that, not right now. She’s still the go-to model girl for upscale merchandise. Her name just says classy. Her tits says buy me. I’d purchase an Omega timepiece from inside her coat if she showed me her mole.

Photo Credit: Omega

Cindy Crawford Should Never Stop Taking Off Her Clothes

By Lex December 27, 2013 @ 5:58 PM

Cindy Crawford Poses Topless But Covered For The Winter 2013 Issue Of V Magazine
You know I love that Cindy Crawford mole. It’s back, but it’s being tainted by that topless dude in these photos. Why go to the trouble of getting Cindy Crawford rubbing her titties up against a tree then throw some random guy into your photos. I get the female fantasy bit of being out in nature and getting accosted by a swarthy Italian gay male farm hand. But can’t we all agree that you only need the one getting paid the big bucks to be in the photos. She’s the star. Step aside you six-packed earring wearing photobomber. If anybody is going to give Cindy awkward, unwanted touches it’s going to be me.

Photo Credit: V Magazine, Winter edition

Cindy Crawford Might Still Be Good Looking

By Lex December 24, 2013 @ 1:27 PM

Cindy Crawford Out In A Bikini Top In Los Cabos
Mexican paparazzi need to buy some better cameras. Whether you’re shooting celebrities with one boob hanging out of their robes or corrupt government officials taking cash from drug cartels, you’re going to want to invest in a decent long range lens package. I can’t even see Cindy Crawford’s mole. I can’t enjoy myself to Cindy Crawford without that mole. It’s like the ignition switch to pleasure town.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Splash