Clay Aiken Will Run For Congress

By Jack February 05, 2014 @ 4:44 PM

Clay Aiken is going to put his flailing music career on hold to run for Congress. The crooning pixie will try and get the seat currently held by Renee Ellmers in North Carolina. Aiken has been toying with the idea of having his member democratically elected for a while now. He feels that his credentials as a guy that came in second place in a singing competition ten years ago gives him the knowledge and experience required to help run the country. It’s hard to say anybody could be worse than the barrel of failed businessmen and dimwitted activists and combed-over pederasts currently filling the hallowed halls of the Capitol. But Clay Aiken forces that conversation. At least give me Ruben Studdard. He actually won American Idol and he’s lost over 200 pounds like five times. I appreciate Clay’s impressive transformation into a lady Lithgow, but Studdard is the guy to solve the national debt crisis with song and a salad.

Clay Aiken Bum Rushed

By Jack April 09, 2013 @ 1:58 PM

Clay Aiken got a shock the other day when a stalker tried to break into his North Carolina house. A woman named Barbara Saylor circumvented the security at the Aikendome and jumped the fence. She reached the front door before the cops showed up and arrested her and giggled to each other about a woman trying to get with Clay Aiken. The former American Idol runner-up was at home grooming his poodles or watching Beaches or wondering how nobody guessed his secret for so many years despite the fact that his name rhymes with ‘gay’. Apparently, Saylor had shown up at C-Aik’s place before and thrown her phone over the fence and claimed she had been invited, or her phone was, I don’t really understand because I don’t speak batshit crazy. You have to admire her dedication, though. She lives in Seattle and is 57 years old and yet she crossed the country and lugged her stalker ass over a fence. All that for Clay Aiken. Or, the chance to get the fuck out of Seattle.

SHOCKING, ISN’T IT

By brendon September 24, 2008 @ 6:35 AM

So where were you when you heard the shocking news that Clay Aiken had come out of the closet?  When did you first suspect his true sexuality?  I think the biggest hint was the way he acted like a mincing gaywad every single day for the last 5 years.  In hindsight, that was sort of a giveaway.