By Lex August 29, 2014 @ 8:44 AM
I blame hip hop culture. For everything. Before rap, gasoline was ten cents a gallon, the merriment of children filled the streets, and big fat asses were simply known as big fat asses. Grotesquely enlarged butts just peaked in Barbados where Coco’s ass cheeks lifted her out of the water like pontoons harpooned into the side of a great white to keep it from diving. I would never tell another man what ought give you your jollies, but I do get to decide who comes to my Super Bowl party. If the thought of spelunking for that thong puts you in the reproductive mood, you’re not touching my chips and dip.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Matt June 26, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
When you find yourself on national television explaining that your wife’s as is made of real human fatty flesh to an incredulous audience, you must realize the extent of your cartoonish fetishization. Ice-T explained that people often gawk at Coco’s ass like a freak show exhibit, assuming that the human form cannot naturally anthropomorphize itself into such a sexually exaggerated incarnation.
“When people see something that they can’t believe, then they go ‘oh it has to be fake’… it’s like ‘you got something that’s unusual’ and they can’t believe it so it’s gotta be fake.”
I don’t know. Just yesterday R. Kelly admonished us all to only believe what we see with our own eyes when discussing his daughter whose seventh grade project was becoming a boy. I’ve seen Coco’s ass. It looks fake. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I guess women like to call other women out for being fake. Most men could care less about such trivial debate. They just want to know if they can finish on your wife’s booty and make a puddle that lingers until next Tuesday. Since you asked, Mr. Ice. Now, you may kill me.
By Lex May 29, 2014 @ 1:36 PM
Coco took to Twitter to remind everybody of her swim and casual wear line. The bikini clothing line has been specifically designed for the woman with a gruesomely distorted set of ass cans and hyper inflated implants whose goal is to be passed around the back of the rapper tour bus. So, about one-third of America. Go get yourself some Licious before Coco’s man comes and makes you.
Photo Credit: Coco Austin, Licious
By Lex May 16, 2014 @ 4:33 PM
Vulgarities like Nigerian kidnappings and Ukrainian annexation and E! pretending that Kim Kardashian’s third sold wedding is romantic can cause you to wonder what kind of shit hole we call home. Just when you’ve lost your faith in humanity, Coco takes her damn top off. I’m still not paying $20 to a guy named Stu to let me into anything burlesque, but at least one Massive Unidentified Terrestrial Organism is doing something to make this world a little better. What the hell did you do today that made somebody shout out, ‘Man, look at this big-ass fake titties?’. Exactly. Challenge yourself to do more.
Photo credit: Driven By Boredom for the Village Voice
By Travis April 30, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
Twerkmaster General Coco Austin, or Ice T’s wife with the huge tits and ass, as most people know her, has been pushing a new fitness app that she claims has been making her big ass even bigger than scientists had said was ever possible. Because her fans didn’t believe her, or she just knows that people follow her on Instagram because she posts photos of her ass, Coco proved all of her doubters wrong with a new photo that shows that her hips have grown from a 40 to a 42 all because of her incredible app and the sheer magnitude of booty power. For comparison, I’ve included some photos of Coco from the Tribeca Film Festival earlier this month, and you’ll definitely see the difference and probably wonder why she didn’t wear the yellow dress to such a classy event.
Photo Credits: Getty
By Travis April 16, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
Other than just being Ice T’s wife and having a huge ass and matching breasts, I don’t really know what Coco Austin does for a living. She could be the world’s smartest scientist and currently have in her possession a single mega-cure that will rid the world of AIDS, cancer and Kardashians, but we wouldn’t know it, because every story that is written about her always comes back to that amazingly gigantic ass of hers. But whatever Coco does, she’ll always be a friend to her fans, first and foremost, because when people ask her to give them photos of her ridiculously curvy body squeezed into tight fitting dresses, she’s always quick to post them on Twitter or Instagram like she did yesterday. I couldn’t be more thankful either, because she just reminded me that I have to pick up a honey-baked ham for Easter.