Ice T Stands Up for Ass (VIDEO)

By Matt June 26, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

When you find yourself on national television explaining that your wife’s as is made of real human fatty flesh to an incredulous audience, you must realize the extent of your cartoonish fetishization. Ice-T explained that people often gawk at Coco’s ass like a freak show exhibit, assuming that the human form cannot naturally anthropomorphize itself into such a sexually exaggerated incarnation.

“When people see something that they can’t believe, then they go ‘oh it has to be fake’… it’s like ‘you got something that’s unusual’ and they can’t believe it so it’s gotta be fake.”

I don’t know. Just yesterday R. Kelly admonished us all to only believe what we see with our own eyes when discussing his daughter whose seventh grade project was becoming a boy. I’ve seen Coco’s ass. It looks fake. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I guess women like to call other women out for being fake. Most men could care less about such trivial debate. They just want to know if they can finish on your wife’s booty and make a puddle that lingers until next Tuesday. Since you asked, Mr. Ice. Now, you may kill me.

Coco Has a Clothing Line

By Lex May 29, 2014 @ 1:36 PM

Coco Austin Models Her Bikini Line
Coco took to Twitter to remind everybody of her swim and casual wear line. The bikini clothing line has been specifically designed for the woman with a gruesomely distorted set of ass cans and hyper inflated implants whose goal is to be passed around the back of the rapper tour bus. So, about one-third of America. Go get yourself some Licious before Coco’s man comes and makes you.

Photo Credit: Coco Austin, Licious

Coco Restores My Faith in People

By Lex May 16, 2014 @ 4:33 PM

Coco-Topless-In-Her-Burlesque-Show

Vulgarities like Nigerian kidnappings and Ukrainian annexation and E! pretending that Kim Kardashian’s third sold wedding is romantic can cause you to wonder what kind of shit hole we call home. Just when you’ve lost your faith in humanity, Coco takes her damn top off. I’m still not paying $20 to a guy named Stu to let me into anything burlesque, but at least one Massive Unidentified Terrestrial Organism is doing something to make this world a little better. What the hell did you do today that made somebody shout out, ‘Man, look at this big-ass fake titties?’. Exactly. Challenge yourself to do more.

Photo credit: Driven By Boredom for the Village Voice

Coco’s Ass Has Become Its Own Planet

By Travis April 30, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

Twerkmaster General Coco Austin, or Ice T’s wife with the huge tits and ass, as most people know her, has been pushing a new fitness app that she claims has been making her big ass even bigger than scientists had said was ever possible. Because her fans didn’t believe her, or she just knows that people follow her on Instagram because she posts photos of her ass, Coco proved all of her doubters wrong with a new photo that shows that her hips have grown from a 40 to a 42 all because of her incredible app and the sheer magnitude of booty power. For comparison, I’ve included some photos of Coco from the Tribeca Film Festival earlier this month, and you’ll definitely see the difference and probably wonder why she didn’t wear the yellow dress to such a classy event.

Photo Credits: Getty

Coco Austin Still Seems Like A Great Person

By Travis April 16, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

Other than just being Ice T’s wife and having a huge ass and matching breasts, I don’t really know what Coco Austin does for a living. She could be the world’s smartest scientist and currently have in her possession a single mega-cure that will rid the world of AIDS, cancer and Kardashians, but we wouldn’t know it, because every story that is written about her always comes back to that amazingly gigantic ass of hers. But whatever Coco does, she’ll always be a friend to her fans, first and foremost, because when people ask her to give them photos of her ridiculously curvy body squeezed into tight fitting dresses, she’s always quick to post them on Twitter or Instagram like she did yesterday. I couldn’t be more thankful either, because she just reminded me that I have to pick up a honey-baked ham for Easter.

Coco Knows How to Celebrate

By Lex February 10, 2014 @ 4:26 PM

Coco Austin Flashes Pedestrians In New York
Coco celebrated word that she and her old man were getting a new talk show by flashing her tits to a frightened Asian couple on the freezing streets of New York. This is not entirely unlike how my Aunt Maureen announced she was getting a new husband and moving to Texas when I was seven. Coco and Ice-T are working with TV giant Ryan Seacrest on the upcoming show. If you’re betting the over/under on lame and contrived, take the way fucking over.

Photo Credit: Jeff Rayner/Coleman-Rayner