Coco Austin Can’t Fit Down The Chimney

By Lex December 25, 2014 @ 10:12 AM

Coco Austin Sexy Santa
Think of all the women in this world who cut, savage, and deform their bodies just so some percentage of lonely bastards might enjoy a good wank. These ladies are the real Santa Clauses. Not the fat old man who delivers presents to children around the world minus Africa because he’s racist. Think about the girl who says I’ll take needles full of centrifuged fat in my ass cap just so some guy in Muncie can splooge into a sock and make his life a little less miserable. By forty, I’m doomed to being the neighborhood freak that schoolchildren run from in horror, but for now, imagine finishing your thankless deed on my titty munificence. That’s true Christmas spirit. The rest of the world just seems like takers.

Merry Christmas.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Coco Austin Cooks In A Thong

By Lex November 25, 2014 @ 10:39 AM

Coco Austin Cooks In A Thong In The Kitchen
I understand why Coco forged the arctic migratory fat cap on the back end of her body. It’s like vocational training or school for the most of the rest of us. It opened doors to employment opportunities. But you can’t have that shitter hanging out at the dinner table. I don’t care how fucked up your in-laws are, nobody’s comfortable with an ass hair floating in the gravy.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Coco Looks Perfect

By Lex October 13, 2014 @ 10:55 AM

Coco Wears See Through Lingerie For Show Magazine
I can see the advantages of living with an airbrushed Coco. Perfectly large curves with no creases or cracks filled with undocumented aliens seeking out a better life north of the border. A face where you can’t detect the deep impressions left by years and years of semen carving canyons like the Colorado River through the Southwestern limestone. You wouldn’t even sense your pending doom as noxious gases leak through her immense squatted parts after serious rounds of Korean BBQ binging. I like this Coco. I could probably even grow to love her.

Photo Credit: Show Magazine

Coco Austin In A Thong Bikini

By Lex August 29, 2014 @ 8:44 AM

Coco Austin In An Orange Thong Bikini At The Beach In Barbados
I blame hip hop culture. For everything. Before rap, gasoline was ten cents a gallon, the merriment of children filled the streets, and big fat asses were simply known as big fat asses. Grotesquely enlarged butts just peaked in Barbados where Coco’s ass cheeks lifted her out of the water like pontoons harpooned into the side of a great white to keep it from diving. I would never tell another man what ought give you your jollies, but I do get to decide who comes to my Super Bowl party. If the thought of spelunking for that thong puts you in the reproductive mood, you’re not touching my chips and dip.

Photo Credit: Splash

Ice T Stands Up for Ass (VIDEO)

By Matt June 26, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

When you find yourself on national television explaining that your wife’s as is made of real human fatty flesh to an incredulous audience, you must realize the extent of your cartoonish fetishization. Ice-T explained that people often gawk at Coco’s ass like a freak show exhibit, assuming that the human form cannot naturally anthropomorphize itself into such a sexually exaggerated incarnation.

“When people see something that they can’t believe, then they go ‘oh it has to be fake’… it’s like ‘you got something that’s unusual’ and they can’t believe it so it’s gotta be fake.”

I don’t know. Just yesterday R. Kelly admonished us all to only believe what we see with our own eyes when discussing his daughter whose seventh grade project was becoming a boy. I’ve seen Coco’s ass. It looks fake. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I guess women like to call other women out for being fake. Most men could care less about such trivial debate. They just want to know if they can finish on your wife’s booty and make a puddle that lingers until next Tuesday. Since you asked, Mr. Ice. Now, you may kill me.

Coco Has a Clothing Line

By Lex May 29, 2014 @ 1:36 PM

Coco Austin Models Her Bikini Line
Coco took to Twitter to remind everybody of her swim and casual wear line. The bikini clothing line has been specifically designed for the woman with a gruesomely distorted set of ass cans and hyper inflated implants whose goal is to be passed around the back of the rapper tour bus. So, about one-third of America. Go get yourself some Licious before Coco’s man comes and makes you.

Photo Credit: Coco Austin, Licious