Courtney Love’s Clairvoyant Powers Prove Rusty

By Lex March 18, 2014 @ 3:03 PM

The true tragedy of that missing Malaysian jet liner has yet to unfold. As far as collateral damage, I can tell you that my plans to never ever visit Malaysia have been extended by ten more years. It’s not you, Malaysia, it’s me. The good news is that whether the plane was hijacked and crashed, was suicided into the sea by a pilot with a name that would make us say ‘of course!, or just super malfunctioned into the vast oceanic expanse, Courtney Love and her other worldly vision done found out. So she posted her doodle to Facebook:

I’m no expert but up close this does look like a plane and an oil slick.

While common sense would tell you that a drug-addled woman stinking of elderberry trolling an online satellite imaging site would be the one to find the missing plane, not so fast. Sometimes the blind soothsayer is just blind. The satellite website quickly discounted Courtney’s find:

Sometimes our eyes see what we want them to see

I think they left off the second part ‘and sometimes speedballs don’t actually give us the E.S.P. powers we think they do’. Nevertheless, Courtney remained chipper, as if naturally happy or severely medicated:

Yeah, I went to the satellite site and just uploaded tons and tons of pictures. I really doubt aliens took it. It’s got to be somewhere. I’m a little obsessive. I mean I don’t know anything about aviation per se,

She does know something about aviation through the course of her arrests for being fucked up and dangerous on commercial airlines, but I think she’s referring more to the science of aeronautics. Or any science or book learning, per se. Courtney can now repurpose her extraordinary mind’s eye to searching for D.B. Cooper and the Oxy bottle she remembers stashing in a piece of furniture.

Courtney Love Wins Twitter Defamation Case

By Jack January 27, 2014 @ 2:32 PM

Courtney Love was cleared of all charges in her Twitter defamation case by a judge in LA. It all started when the cackling dope fiend fired a lawyer named Rhonda Holmes. She had been hired to try and get more of Kurt Cobain’s estate money so that Love can buy more cheap makeup and heroin. When Holmes failed to get the greedy harpy what she wanted, Love implied that Holmes had been bought off by a tabloid or something,

“I was fucking devestated when Rhonda J. Holmes esq. of san diego was bought off @FairNewsSpears perhaps you can get a quote.

Holmes didn’t like the implication so she sued for 8 million dollars. The judge dismissed the lawsuit saying that Love had not defamed Holmes because it’s Twitter and she’s a fucking moron and everybody understands she’s wasted and not to be taken seriously. If everyone who said something stupid on Twitter was brought to trial, the entire judicial system would come crashing down. If she had said the exact same thing to the press instead of typing it in her iPhone from the floor of a Chevron bathroom where she was tying off, she would have probably had to pay up. But, for now Love is perfectly safe to bark her insane ramblings on Twitter like the crazy woman on the subway that’s covered in her own shit. As for Rhonda Holmes, 0-2. Maybe time to hang it up.

Courtney Love Has to Prove She’s Too Stupid to Be Taken Seriously

By Lex January 09, 2014 @ 3:14 PM

Courtney Love Carries Her Guitar Barefoot Out Of The Chateau Marmont In West Hollywood
Courtney Love is being sued by her former lawyer over a Tweet she made that kind of accused her attorney of being bribed off her Get Me Dead Kurt Cobain Money lawsuit:

“I was fucking devestated when Rhonda J. Holmes esq. of san diego was bought off @FairNewsSpears perhaps you can get a quote.

Anybody who has ever slipped in Courtney Love’s vomit at various spots around town knows that she’s a bit of a free spirit when it comes to shit that flies out of her mouth. This rant does seem kind of specific and I guess you can’t just go accusing people of professional negligence because they didn’t get you the drug money you were hoping for. At the same time, it is Twitter, the retarded person’s town square. It’s got to be like the drunk rule when it comes to sleeping with ugly people. You need some kind of Hall Pass for speaking out in the mental hospital checkers room. The judge ruled today that the trial will be open to the public, which means we’ll soon get to see Courtney Love’s new attorney arguing that his client is a haggard drug clown who the public certainly discounts as being full of shit. If Courtney yelled ‘fire’ in a crowded movie theater, nobody would panic, they’d just assume she was just asking for a lighter for her crack pipe.

Here’s Courtney Love leaving the Chateau Marmont with her guitar and no shoes. Unlike that mafia don who pretended to be nuts in his bathrobe, Courtney Love isn’t pretending.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Courtney Love Gets High on Charity

By Lex November 26, 2013 @ 3:56 PM

Courtney Love Shows Off Her Cleavage At Jony And Marc's (RED) Auction In New York
You simply can’t keep a good woman down. Or Courtney Love, who would not be denied an appearance at the Sotheby’s RED Auction, which she found only after three stops at various Sbarro locations looking for a guy she thought stole her earrings the night before. The RED auction brings together rich people to lay down six-figures for designer computers and earbuds with all the proceeds going to fight The AIDS, Tuberculosis, and Malaria around the world. We call it ATM in the industry. Bono even sang about something that made everybody cry and thirteen million dollars was raised. Big shot Bill Gates matched that shit with thirteen more million he had loose in his pocket. Courtney Love offered to let him fuck her clenched armpit by way of thanks.

Photo Credit: Getty, WENN

Courtney Love Dresses Like A Geisha For Sex

By Travis July 08, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

Aging rock star and opium depository Courtney Love took a moment to remind everyone on Saturday that she’s still a woman with needs and desires when she Tweeted the above picture of herself right after sex. She referred to it as her “inner geisha, following sex with mad kabuki warrior face”, but we all see it for what it really is – a guy asked Courtney to cover her face as much as possible during sex.

Of course, that begs the question: Who still has sex with Courtney Love? And I while I’m not positive, I think the answer is 12-inches of thick rubber.

Courtney Love Belongs at Coachella

By Lex April 22, 2013 @ 3:32 PM

Courtney Love In Sheer Dress With Cigarette At Coachella
If the past couple weeks of Coachella have reminded us of anything it’s that celebrities have a hard time fitting in with regular people. Even at Coachella, a real soft-serv version of an old school indie music festival, all these over-handled primadonnas simply can’t dress down or get down with normal folk. But Courtney Love can. She’s the first famous person I’ve seen at Coachella who looks born of the sweat and drugs and dirty sex that forms the foundation of any great outdoor public cultural event. She could suck on a cactus branch, tamp cocaine into the bloody folds of her shredded mouth, and wash it all down with a bottle of Jack and the cum of five strange men. And do it all with a blank smile and a ten-thousand yard stare. In fact, Coachella doesn’t even deserve her.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet