Courtney Stodden’s Mom To Adopt 40 Year Old Man

By Matt June 11, 2015 @ 7:26 AM

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Courtney Stodden’s mom Krista Keller used to be her manager before she released a video of herself masturbating with a Swiffer and lied about it being stolen. I’m not sure what managing Stodden entailed prior to that but I’d assume it encompassed creating Backpage ads for the computer illiterate. It’s not a good sign when you don’t share the name of your birth mother and dad’s never in your family Christmas cards. Perhaps an astute social services employee figured something wasn’t right early on. Namely an unemployed 15 year old doesn’t need a manager or to marry one of the Max Weinberg 7 before she gets boobs.

Keller is now managing Internet talk show host John Kerwin and says she will be legally adopting him as her son, even though she’s only 13 years his senior:

“Yes, the subject has come up. I am a motherlike figure to him. John really feels close to me and I am going to love being his mumager. We shall see what the future holds.”

All of this seems like a deleted scene from Clockwork Orange and I wish them both the absolute worst. I can’t help but notice your momager is eating the ficus. Please exit the premises immediately. You can finish that chili dog in the parking lot. Where the fuck is Tacoma?

Photo Credit: Facebook 

Photo Credit: Instagram

The Courtney Stodden Sex Tape Is Here (VIDEO)

By Lex May 14, 2015 @ 9:35 AM

Courtney Stodden Sex Tape Stills
What defines a sex tape? Sex? Tape? You got that here. After three long days of a brutally long promotional cycle, Vivid is releasing the Courtney Stodden sex tape to the public. It’s unclear whether demand will mimic the throngs of people lined up for the Disneyland opening in the 1950′s, or whether it will be more like Disneyland today with mostly Asians buying online with coupon codes. It’s pretty clear the days of I’m going to film you fucked up and show everybody your vagina sex tapes are long gone. There’s still illegally hacked shit like in The Fappening, but the commercially distributed celebrity sex tapes are not even hiding the professional porn lighting these days. The fact they all seem to take place in the same hotel room in Vegas can still be written off as a coincidence. If you pay her, she will just come back for more. If you don’t pay her, she’ll have to come back for more. I’ll noodle on this conundrum and get back to you.

You can see the Courtney Stodden topless sex tape teaser and photos on Egotastic.

You can download-buy the Courtney Stodden sex tape on Vivid.

Photo/Video Credit: Vivid for Egotastic.com

Coutney Stodden Sex Tape Will Save Lives

By Matt May 12, 2015 @ 8:06 AM

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After consulting her family pastor and her ATM machine, Courtney Stodden has chose to allow Vivid to distribute a video of herself masturbating with a toilet brush. Stodden claims she never wanted the video released even though she shopped it around to a handful of porn companies and an end cap filler for Smart and Final. Stodden claims a male friend stole the tape:

“[He] made it clear that he will stop at nothing to double cross me… I’ve been painted into a corner.”

Yes we all know the situation. Someone commits sex crimes and grand larceny but conveniently you forget the number to 911. Stodden claims she will donate the four hundred dollars raised by this video to charities, including animal rights and “Children with Cancer” which I’ve never heard of but their public relations team sucks. Leave the children out of it. This toilet brush smells especially toilet.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Courtney Stodden Pretend Suing Vivid

By Lex May 08, 2015 @ 9:01 AM

Courtney Stodden Cries While LEaving Starbucks
Courtney Stodden fired off legal letters to Vivid threatening the porn shop if they release a tape of her diddling herself. Vivid conveniently found the tape forgotten in the back of a Denny’s restaurant and are prepared to violates local, state, and federal laws to distribute it commercially without her consent. It’s like the Pentagon Papers, but with a country swamp vagina. The bogus legal conflict is designed to garner free media exposure and convince people that watching a low rent reality star shove a dildo up her twat is worth a ten dollar download. People who buy porn online are multiple times more apt to purchase something they believe is leaked or stolen property. This goes back to the days Kris Jenner was taking meetings in back alleys to haggle over a fair price on her daughter’s sex on film. I’m not sure how it’s going, but seeing Courtney Stodden leaving a Starbuck’s in tears probably means not so well. Somebody needs to sing her a song from Annie and remind her that she could be huge in the U.A.E. Girls with blond hair and big tits don’t need a travel visa.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Courtney Stodden Hawking Sex Tape

By Matt April 29, 2015 @ 7:05 AM

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Courtney Stodden, who is known for marrying Lost actor Doug Hutchison when she was 16 and he was 50 and absolutely nothing else, is trying to sell a video of herself masturbating, presumably with a Mountain Dew Code Red bottle. The couple are still married yet at age 20 Hutchison feels she’s getting a bit long in the tooth and is eying the Shakey’s salad bar. It’s a precarious situation because I could count a number of porn stars who are actually more famous than Stodden. They’re doing a lot more than just diddling themselves on camera, often to the point of exhaustion. When you’re on set and see our fine young women getting an IV while sitting in an ice bucket you really understand the value of professionalism. I don’t need to see this tape just like I don’t need Matthew Perry telling me who to vote for. Stick to what you do best. Make your creepy husband happy. He’s got SAG benefits. You’re probably running low on Huggies. There’s no way he’s booking the Full House reboot after marrying a chick less than 1/3 his age. No sex tape in the world can change that. When you’re 35 he’ll be 73. Don’t even think about recording it.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Courtney Stodden in A Tiny Bikini

By Lex March 10, 2015 @ 1:33 PM

Courtney Stodden Tiny Bikini On Instagram
I must admit, when I don’t see or hear from somebody like Courtney Stodden for a while, I just assume they’re dead. It’s not mean, just expedient. If they show up again then I’m pleasantly surprised. Great, you’re still here. And how’s your jealous older boyfriend with the gun collection? If not, I’m prepared with a platitude for the reporters about how I suspected something was wrong by their absence. It is unusual for your above average attention whore to disappear for several months. It’s possible she gave birth to a baby born of one thousand maniac inmates, or maybe just went and had her tits run through the centrifuge in Star City to restore their oblong shape. Also, maybe, some college and a salad.

Photo Credit: Instagram