When I imagine a teen daughter telling me her dream is to pump up her tits and become a fame whore in Hollywood, I hear myself asking a follow up question or two. Courtney Stodden’s mom got the pitch, and without hesitation slammed a needle full of HSV vaccine into her daughter’s ass and bought a couple Greyhound tickets one-way to L.A.. That’s the kind of mom who will stick with you through your failed casting sessions, your personal heartbreak, and your first few abortions. When I told my dad I wanted to be a dancer,  he just punched me hard in the shoulder and called me a homo. Now I cry every time I attend the ballet while Courtney gets to flash her titties and ass around town with a confidently glazed smile. Self-esteem really is the greatest gift you can give your children.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, PCN, WENN

There are a couple phrases to listen for when you want to be sure somebody in Hollywood has absolutely nothing going on. The first is, ‘I’m currently in the studio’. ‘Currently in the studio’ is akin to ‘I’m about to be hired’. It doesn’t really mean much. Might as well say ‘I’m running for President’. Oh, shit, Bobby’s running for President. He’s got shit going on. The second is, ‘I have a reality show I’m not allowed to talk about’. Why aren’t you allowed to talk about it? Because E! and Bravo! despise free publicity and promotion from the gorgons on their shows? A legal gag order lest you get people excited and build buzz, sort of a reverse P.T. Barnum? If you’re willing to watch Courtney Stodden being interviewed by somebody even more annoying than she is (above), you will hear both.

Here’s Courtney at the same fashion event practicing for her real future career — fag hag.

Photo Credit: PCN

Say what you will about Teen Mom Farrah Abraham and her hungry earning bunghole, but she trumped the shit out of Courtney Stodden, the other obvious contender for a rip-roarious anal plunging ‘celebrity’ sex tape. Despite looking like a two-pack a day smoker since smoking was still allowed on airplanes, Courtney Stodden had her chance at barely legal porn and shunned it in lieu of her blossoming TV career, such as it never will be. Now, Farrah Abraham has big bottom bucks in the bank and is fielding offers for more. Courtney’s got shit, ironic only because she wouldn’t do anal, you get it, because… never mind. Point being, when skeevy opportunity knocks, people like Teen Mom and Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton are innately savvy enough to open the door and blindly cockgobble whoever is standing on the other side. Those who hesitate end up like Courtney Stodden.

Here’s Courtney shopping in a kid’s store causing many moms to have their first conversation with their children about what a hooker is and why daddy doesn’t come home anymore at night.

Photo Credit: Splash

Courtney Stodden looks like her white blood cells are barely being held together by duct tape and semen after a 30 year Hall of Fame career in porn. That’s obviously not the case, however, because she’s somehow only 18 and everyone from Playboy to Hustler to Penthouse has turned her down. But that doesn’t matter to me or the chubby reincarnated Corey Haim look alike she’s with because paid or not, we require all our 18 year old women to look like as big a whore as they can at all times.

Photo Credit: WENN