The Mother Daughter Experiment on Lifetime follows from the never ending line of surgery riddled moms and daughters with substance addictions screaming and crying on camera so that fat women and gay men can have something to talk about on Facebook. It’s unclear how any moral judgement distinguishes this from pornography. You’re either selling the cheapest part of yourself for a few shekels or you’re not.
In the show teaser we learn that Courtney Stodden who is 21 going on a hard stripper 40, accuses her born again mom with fake 50-something tits of falling in love with her husband. That would be the old dude from Lost who avoided statutory rape charges by marrying Stodden before the Sheriff Coltrane could arrest him. I spoke to Courtney Stodden’s mom one time and she told me God had a special plan for Courtney which is either a lie or super embarrassing for God. Search your soul and consider whether or not The Almighty wanted you to get enormous fake tits and con people for a living. Denny’s is always hiring. There’s no shame in being helpful.
There’s no reason to assume Courtney Stodden’s elderly husband’s sperm is the least bit motile, but whoever is standing in to perform reproductive services it doesn’t seem to be taking because I’d swear I’ve seen her picking up pregnancy kits at the drug store a dozen times now. It’s possible the level of silicate in her body is causing her menstrual schedule to align with the blood moon cycles. Or she’s fucking somebody on the side in hopes of becoming with child before she turns 21 or 47, both of which happen next week. Either way, she’s definitely choosing to go to the Beverly Hills drug store where all the paparazzi hang out versus Amazon.com where only her UPS driver would ever know. Since it might be the UPS driver she’s fucking, I can see how that might be a problem.
PETA has figured out that sex sells a message. Also that 95% of the general population loves eating animals more than making sure they have three square meals a day and subsidized cable. Consider naked ladies your last best option for changing minds. PETA used to run porn-disguised click bait on blogs for men that featured naked women and sex acts and led you to an animal rights page. They’ve put naked women with college loans and no idea how to pay for them into cages dressed as tigers and aardvarks. Aardvark if you showed up first that day.
Just for a Hollywood fundraiser PETA will drag out Joanna Krupa and Pamela Anderson and foie-gras style force feed them Stoli until their eyes are half open and their tis are half out. Does any of this work in changing hearts and minds? I don’t know. We’re still killing hormone injected cows with giant Wile E. Coyoto ACME hammers and the Japanese are still eating whale blubber with their Cheerios. Bob Barker already covered off the spaying and neutering business. All these tits may just be gratuitous. Which would make it PETA’s greatest accomplishment. The animals have to be laughing at us. Fuckers. Let’s eat.
After nobody bit on Courtney Stodden’s sex tape that was fake stolen from her barely pubescent agent’s Van Nuys strip mall office she moved on to more desperate tactics as if it could get any worse. Time to move to Germany. They have unions for this shit. If it wasn’t obvious, she’s got a bunch of tape on her tits and stuck inside her pussy and that drill smells like a shrimp cannery. The tape thing is kind of clever but people don’t really jerk off to Woody Allen movies. Except Woody Allen and every film critic in the five boroughs. Usually you’ve got to have something to back it up. She’s the opposite of nebbish. Her left arm looks like Dolph Lundgren’s circa the steroid era. Her pussy is probably pretty tight. Because it’s taped shut. For once.
The Fourth of July may be over but that doesn’t mean we can’t appreciate Courtney Stodden’s massive tits spilling out of an American flag bikini. It’s the seventh best thing happening in the god damned United States today.
The red, white, and blue never looked so juicy. (Egotastic)
Two years in prison for fucking on a beach? Thanks, Obama. (TMZ)
Chrissy Teigen, no one wants to see John Legend’s ass. Now your ass, on the other hand…(Huffington Post)
Courtney Stodden’s mom Krista Keller used to be her manager before she released a video of herself masturbating with a Swiffer and lied about it being stolen. I’m not sure what managing Stodden entailed prior to that but I’d assume it encompassed creating Backpage ads for the computer illiterate. It’s not a good sign when you don’t share the name of your birth mother and dad’s never in your family Christmas cards. Perhaps an astute social services employee figured something wasn’t right early on. Namely an unemployed 15 year old doesn’t need a manager or to marry one of the Max Weinberg 7 before she gets boobs.
Keller is now managing Internet talk show host John Kerwin and says she will be legally adopting him as her son, even though she’s only 13 years his senior:
“Yes, the subject has come up. I am a motherlike figure to him. John really feels close to me and I am going to love being his mumager. We shall see what the future holds.”
All of this seems like a deleted scene from Clockwork Orange and I wish them both the absolute worst. I can’t help but notice your momager is eating the ficus. Please exit the premises immediately. You can finish that chili dog in the parking lot. Where the fuck is Tacoma?